Is Getting Married Worth It?
I’ve been with my boyfriend Greg for over three years and even though I’d always vowed to never be one of the those women who pressure their boyfriends, here I was asking about “our plan”. “Our plan” as in what’s our next step, when are we buying a house, having kids, all those things real grownups do. Unlike many women, however, I haven’t been covertly choosing china patterns and fantasizing about a fantastic engagement ring, in anticipation of a wonderfully huge wedding. To the contrary, I’m pondering whether “the plan” should include marriage whatsoever.
Not that I don’t love Greg. I definitely see us growing old together. Dorothy Ratusny, a psychotherapist and couples counselor based in Toronto says: “There’s learning that happens when you live together that can’t happen any other way; the nuances of knowing someone 24/7.” Well, we’ve lived together for over two years so Greg’s experienced the wrath of Crabby Karen starving after a late class and I’ve endured Grumpy Greg after a hard day at the race track.
Along the way, we’ve also established some important stuff, such as how we want to have kids someday and how to share expenses. Even better, we’ve managed to fall more in love.
When Greg and I moved in together, it was a monumental step in our relationship. I was beginning the rest of my life with this one man; it was definitely not a temporary, out-of-convenience deal.
For me, marriage is about the ultimate partnership through life’s many trials and tribulations. You help bring out the best in each other and live happily ever after. However, recent findings contradict this happily-ever-after notion: the Journal of Personal and Social Psychology reports that while there’s a boost of happiness around the wedding, you return to your regular level of happiness thereafter. Well, if Greg and I have developed a relationship as solid as a rock, which we have, and marriage doesn’t guarantee a happier life, which it doesn’t, then what will change if we make it legal?
Sixteen per cent of Canadian couples are in a common-law relationship and the number is increasing every year. Are we all missing out on something by living in proverbial sin?
Jessica*, 32, was surprised at how quickly life returned to the status quo after her wedding. She lived with her husband for three years before they got married two years ago. “I remember talking with Richard a few days after the wedding and we thought we’d feel different and we didn’t.”
Dorian Solot, executive director of the Alternatives to Marriage Project (a non-profit organization that provides support to unmarried couples), says this is quite common. “There’s a risk that couples who live together may experience a letdown when married life is a lot like living-together life. Therapists even recommend that you change something, rearrange a room, move to a new apartment if you can, just to ensure that Ã?¯Ã?¿Ã?½something’ will be different as you begin married life together.”
When Katie, 32 and Darren, 35, announced their engagement to their friends, many were excited but asked them, “Why bother?” After all, the couple had been together for seven years and had lived together for the past five. The two married in the summer of 2001 and Katie says that marriage has changed the relationship for the better but finds the transformation hard to pinpoint. “It’s a very subtle feeling, the fact that you’ve formalized things is a way of expressing how serious the commitment is,” says Katie. “I find when I know Darren’s home before me, I have my keys out a block before I get home, I’m just so excited to get there and see him. I get this weird feeling and just think that I’m the luckiest person in the world to be with him.”
Sarah, 32, has also felt a profound difference in her emotions towards her husband, Danny, since they got married last summer. “I thought there’s no way that I could love him more, being married won’t affect us. It’s a piece of paper,” says Sarah. “But after going through the ceremony and the receptionÃ?¯Ã?¿Ã?½I feel that our bond is stronger,” she continues. “Sometimes I look at him and think Ã?¯Ã?¿Ã?½Wow, this is my husband, he’s going to be with me forever’.”
Are Katie and Sarah merely classic cases of newlywed bliss?
Julie, 27, who married her college boyfriend, Brian, five years ago, admits that the six phone calls a day and frequent lunch dates have since tapered off. In the past few years, it’s been replaced by a definite cycle. “Sometimes things will be really great and everything will be falling into place for six months,” says Julie, “and then we get in this little rut and everything will go astray and we’ll be crabby and not sleeping well. We both realize Ã?¯Ã?¿Ã?½Wow, we’re having a bad time’, and then it’ll go away and we’ll be back to our good times.” She agrees, however, that there is a stronger bond after you get married. “It’s a deeper connection. You stood up in front of your family and showed that you want to spend the rest of your lives together.”
Tying the knot instigated another change in Julie’s life, the not-so-welcome input from her in-laws. “Brian’s family felt they had more say in my life because I was now officially in their family and I felt a little strange with that,” she says. For Kim, 27, whose family is very traditional, it was her own parents who started acting differently. “It’s like they’re trying to push me offÃ?¯Ã?¿Ã?½they tell me to spend time with my in-laws.” Being accountable to an entirely new family has been an emotional struggle for her. Says Kim, “Just opening up my whole life to them now, welcoming them into my life, it stresses me out.”
Marriage isn’t always ’til death do you part as we all know. Ellen, 38, reflects on her short-lived nuptials to her ex, John. “When I got married, I was like Ã?¯Ã?¿Ã?½oh, we’ll have a life together and have furniture together and make decisions together,'” she explains. “But you take in the other person’s interests, their hang-ups, you assume all of that. It becomes part of you.” Even after having lived with John for a year before the wedding, this came as a blow to her. Ellen realized that she wasn’t ready for this level of commitment, and ended their marriage a year and half later.
I still question whether a ceremony that will cost a small fortune is the only way of achieving this intense emotional and spiritual connection.
Says Solot, “Married people certainly don’t have a monopoly on those feelings. Some people feel like they can reach that ultimate stage of couple-dom through marriage, while others are perfectly satisfied with living together.” How can I be sure that I am the latter?
Neither Katie, Sarah nor Julie predicted how strongly they would be affected by walking down the aisle. Says Katie, “To see everyone you care about cheering you on, I felt overwhelmed by my feeling of how lucky I am to have the partner that I do and that our friends and families are behind us 110 per cent.”
That does sound like a pretty incredible experience�¯�¿�½Okay, okay, if I must, I suppose I could don a Vera Wang gown for a day and take part in some wedding festivities. Purely for research purposes, of course.
* Some names have been changed.
