John Mayer Takes a Trip on Jessica Simpson’s Body

I have a funny feeling that I’m not breaking any major news with this announcement, but here goes: Pop star John Mayer has been linked romantically to everybody’s favorite divorcee, Jessica Simpson. However, I do have a feeling that THIS is breaking news: When I heard about this couple, I immediately bought John Mayer’s “Your Body is a Wonderland” off of ITunes and proceeded to masturbate to images of John Mayer caressing and “discovering” the former Mrs. Lachey while playing said ditty in the background. Okay, that was gross, and I was kidding. I was actually looking at strange porn involving three donkeys and girl with a clef lipâÂ?¦ but not John Mayer. Yuck! He’s disgusting.

Seriously, do you think that Mayer traversed “one mile to ever inch of [Jessica Simpson’s] skin like porcelain”? Maybe he found “one pair of candy lips and [a] bubblegum tongue”? I don’t know. I do know this though: John Mayer is the only person in the world who could turn a make-out session into something out of a Dr. Seuss book.

I don’t like John Mayer and I don’t like him for nonsensical, vindictive reasons. You see, I had this girlfriend who loved him. And I’m not talking about “love” in a “got all his records/really respect him” kind of way. This was borderline psycho shit. We dated during the first wave of his popularity and since I didn’t have a license (due to a drug rap that got the better of me) she was in charge of the driving and, subsequently, the drive music. It was painful to watch her during “Your Body is a Wonderland.” Never mind the fact that she didn’t make eye contact during sex; the lustful pleasure in her eyes when this song was played, which was all the time, was torturous. Needless to say, I have issues with that song and John Mayer in general.

Fast-forward about four yearsâÂ?¦ I guess you can say that John Mayer has “matured.” If by “mature” you mean he’s entered his “I’m writing semi-political peace tunes as I grow my hair long and the media links me to recently divorced sexpots” phase. I’m sure this is a good phase for Mayer, career-wise. Personally, in the time since my “Wonderland” anguish days, I haven’t changed a bit. I still loathe Mayer, that song still sends me into steroid-like rage, and my new girlfriend also “thinks he’s cute” (though it’s worth noting that she’s not psycho for him in the least).

What am I getting at here? Nothing really. I just wanted to share. I can tell you this thoughâÂ?¦ The John Mayer and Jessica Simpson rumors are definitely true. Think about it; where there’s smoke there’s fire and if you saw Jessica denying it on The View you know why Nick Lachey divorced her. She’s a terrible liar.

One more thingâÂ?¦ How bad is that song “Waiting on the World to Change”? Complete hippie poop. And his new album? “Continuum: Music by John Mayer,” what is that all about? Like putting “Music by John Mayer” on the album cover is supposed to lend you some credibility? Face it Mayer, you’re a hack pop artist who makes songs for slutty chicks with unrealistic worldviews. That’s all.