Keith Richards: The Top 4 Ways to Kill Him and the Top 4 Replacements

A few weeks back, Keith Richards (the slurred voice, boozehound guitarist of geriatric rockers, the Rolling Stones) under went “mild” brain surgery in New Zealand. Two things came into my own fractured mind upon hearing this news, 1. I couldn’t believe this was the first time that Richards has had a procedure like this and 2. Who describes brain surgery as “mild”? I got a mild ankle sprain last week, but if I ever got a blood clot in my brain and a doctor described it as “mild”, I would find another hospital. But enough about me, this is about Keith and the future of the Rolling Stones.

For a long time I thought of Keith Richards as indestructible and the Rolling Stones as a vehicle for him to show off his Superman-like durability and frustratingly average guitar skills (as well as a way for the Stones to showcase bass players). But with the news of his Kiwi surgery I realized something: Keith Richards isn’t going to live forever. I started wondering two things in my distorted, twisted mind, 1. How could I kill him dead? and 2. Who would be his replacement(s)?
And since I make lists, here are two more�

THE TOP 4 WAYS SOMEONE COULD KILL KEITH RICHARDS (If killing Keith Richards was, for some reason, your thing)

4. TAKE AWAY HIS SUBSTANCES – He will die of withdrawal.

You may think you are helping him; his family might even support you. But if you take away his heroin (I think his favorite these days is Egyptian Purple) and his vodka (the surprisingly non-exotic and kind of disgusting Popov) he will eventually perish. These are his lifeblood. He cannot live without them.

3. HIRE A HIT MAN – This hit man will kill him.

If you are a gigantic pussy or perhaps just not a murderer at heart, then you can hire someone else to do it. I don’t recommend this. Hit men can be expensive and you’ll feel better about yourself if you just do it yourself. But if you want to create a scenario for a hit man, here’s a good one. Wait until the next big Rolling Stones tour (you probably won’t have to wait long). Have the hit man pose as an aging Rolling Stones fan (this is easy: get a faded Voodoo Lounge tour T-shirt and a large breasted prostitute). Have this “fan” sneak into the venue with a small gun inside of a mullet wig. Wait until they play something from the shitty Rolling Stones period (“Miss You” would be the best time to do it, if they play that song) and then shoot Keith Richards in the face.

2. POISON HIS VODKA – If you ask me, this is kind of cowardly.

If you’re looking for an easy way to kill Keith Richards, then look no further. Keith needs vodka everyday. If you put some arsenic in his vodka, he is going to die. No questions asked.

1. PLAY THE BEATLES UNTIL HIS HEAD EXPLODES: This probably won’t take very long.

Keith Richards and Mick Jagger hate the Beatles. Even if they say they don’t (or worse: they say they’re better) they do. In fact, they hate the Beatles so much that, over the years, they’ve developed a rare disease. This disease is called Beatlejealiosis. If any of the original Rolling Stones (Charlie Watts not included) hear the Beatles music for a prolonged period of time, they’re heads will explode. Supposedly, to die of an exploding head is fairly painful.

THE TOP FOUR REPLACEMENTS FOR KEITH RICHARDS AS GUITARIST OF THE ROLLING STONES (Because you know that Mick Jagger will replace him)

Guitarist – Current Employer
4. Buckethead – Guns n’ Roses
3. Scott Ian – Anthrax
2. Eric Clapton – various, self employed
1. John Lennon’s Ghost – Heaven