Kingdom Hearts: Supercondensed
Rikku: In other words, not ME.
Greg: Boy, was I dissappointed.
After building a rinky-dink RAFT, SORA, RIKU, and the subject of their dueling, KAIRI, talk about visiting OTHER WORLDS then go HOME. A STORM comes, and the HEARTLESS show up. RIKU uses the power of DARKNESS to ESCAPE, and SORA recieves the KEYBLADE. KAIRI winds up MISSING, and SORA is somehow transported to TRAVERSE TOWN. Meanwhile COURT WIZARD DONALD discovers KING MICKEY’S ABSENSE, goes CRAZY, and decides to FOLLOW the ORDERS the King LEFT BEHIND. He drags along CAPTAIN GOOFY, and they take a ride to TRAVERSE TOWN to find LEON.
Leon: The only reason they renamed me for this story was just to screw with Final Fantasy fans.
Sora finds Leon FIRST, and they FIGHT just to add DRAMA. In a lengthy cutscene, Leon and Yuffie explain to Sora what the HELL is going on while AERIS explains the SAME BLOODY THING to Donald and Goofy IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM, eerily CONTINUING EACH OTHER’S CONVERSATIONS. FANBOYS WEEP TEARS OF JOY AT SEEING AERIS ONCE AGAIN.
Aeris: If you’re wondering where my jacket is, Tifa’s borrowing it. She always borrows my stuff without permission. Mau…
Sora meets up with Goofy and Donald, and they decide to TEAM UP like COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS.
Yuffie: Don’tcha just love crossover stories?
The trio travel to WONDERLAND, OLYMPUS COLLOSSEUM, and TARZAN’S DEEP JUNGLE in NO PARTICULAR ORDER. They experience Disney STORYLINES, encounter Disney VILLAINS, and KICK ARSE with Final Fantasy MAGIC.
Sora: It’s a stranger combo than Pauly Shore and good taste.
Yuffie: When have those two been within seventeen miles of each other?
They return to TRAVERSE TOWN and learn that the KEYBLADE actually LOCKS WORLDS, preventing the HEARTLESS from KNAWING on a WORLD’S HEART OR SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT.
Sora: So it *doesn’t* just unlock giant, out-of-the-ordinary keyholes.
The DISNEYFIED CID HIGHWIND reveals himself to be the COINCIDENTAL AUTHORITY on GUMMI SHIPS, and manages to UPGRADE the trio’s Gummi ship WITHOUT CURSING ONCE.
Cid: And instead of #$!*&^% cigarettes, they gave me a %^&@#&* straw or something! AAAAARGH! Damn, I’m pissed!
Yuffie: Good thing he had about seventeen nicotine patches on him at all times otherwise the game would’ve been rated MA.
RIKU shows up out of the blue and gets all JEALOUS that SORA has NEW FRIENDS and a COOLER WEAPON. He suddenly goes from QUASI-EVIL to SEMI-EVIL.
Riku: But not quite the Diet Coke of evil.
The trio travel to a NEW BATCH of DISNEY WORLDS, and learn of a CONTRIVED AND NEFARIOUS PLOT centered around the ABDUCTIONS of several Disney LEADING LADIES.
Jasmine: Together we are known as…. the X-Girlfriends!
Belle: Watch us kick ass and take names in an era of chaos, sworn to protect the hordes that vaguely remember us!
Alice: ‘snikt’ Who wants some, bub?
Having no more worlds to MESS AROUND WITH, the trio head back to TRAVERSE TOWN. CID follows the PATTERN and UPGRADES the Gummi ship AGAIN. Talking with the FINAL FANTASY PEOPLE, it’s revealed they all hail from HOLLOW BASTION, an apty titled world that was TAKEN OVER by MALEFICENT with the aid of the HEARTLESS.
Maleficent: Yes, these small souless tools of infinite darkness, misery, and general bad ideas work outdoors, indoors, underground, on the roof, in the pool, or wherever else you need manual labor. Order now and get a set of twenty for $1999.95, not including shipping and handling. Illegal in Wyoming. Results may vary. Supplies limited.
The trio head to HOLLOW BASTION, being the ONLY place left to visit. RIKU SWIPES SORA’S KEYBLADE. Donald and Goofy follow the NEW keyblade master as per a technical LOOPHOLE, leaving SORA to tag up with the relentless BEAST.
Beast: I WILL GET BELLE BACK IF IT’S THE LAST THING SORA DOES!
Sora: Yeah, you tell ’em, big g- …..HEY!
SORA REUNITES with DONALD AND GOOFY, and BLAB ON about the power of FRIENDSHIP. SORA REGAINS the KEYBLADE and HANDS RIKU HIS ASS WITH IT.
Donald: ‘points to Goofy’ It’s strange that this big palooka turns out to be the wisest of us all.
Goofy: Aww, sheucks. Haw hyuk!
Riku: Yeah, the end of the world is near, and I mean that literally.
The trio find SIX of the PRINCESSES OF HEART. ANSEM, the SCIENTIST that had been STUDYING the HEARTLESS, POSSESSES RIKU. SORA fights and DEFEATS ANSEM/RIKU.
Sora: HAH!
HOWEVER, it’s found out that KAIRI’S HEART had been HIDDEN within SORA’S this WHOLE TIME, and to SAVE HER SORA SACRIFICES HIS HEART.
Sora: D’OH!
Sora becomes a HEARTLESS, but not one of the COOL ONES. He makes his way back to KAIRI, who RECOGNIZES HIM and RESTORES HIM with a HUG.
Riku: Chest-to-chest with Kairi. That lucky bastich. ‘grumble, mumble, other noises’
The four leave Beast to FEND FOR HIMSELF and TEAR ASS out of HOLLOW BASTION. They return to TRAVERSE TOWN AGAIN. Sora and Kairi make GOOGALY EYES at each other and chat about stuff. Cid installs ANOTHER NAVIGATION GUMMI to the ship, just for the hell of it. The trio pack up and DIVE BACK INTO HOLLOW BASTION through the BACK DOOR.
Sora: There’re a bunch of jokes here, but they’re way too dirty for this story.
Kairi: Hey, even the song is “Simple and Clean.”
The trio RESCUE the PRINCESSES OF HEART, and Sora LOCKS HOLLOW BASTION.
Sora: The end.
Don’t get ahead of yourself, kiddo. ‘ahem’ ANSEM moves his stuff to END OF THE WORLD.
Riku: I told you it was near.
The trio FOLLOW HIM to the ANTI-WORLD and BEAT BILLY ZANE- err, ANSEM SENSELESS. Ansem reveals his TRUMP CARD, KINGDOM HEARTS.
Ansem: Okay, get this. It’s a big doorway in the middle of the void that, when opened, floods the area with even more darkness. Or something like that. I’m not really sure.
Sora: Some scientist you are.
Ansem is POOCH-SCREWED, however, when KINGDOM HEARTS turns out to be the ESSENCE OF LIGHT. Ansem is FLABBERGHASTED, and DISSOLVES or just GOES AWAY or SOMETHING.
Ansem: Ah, well. Since this isn’t the core of all evil I guess I’d better head to New Jersey instead.
BEHIND the BIG WHITE DOORS is ANOTHER HEARTLESS WORLD, filled with heartless that would make JOHN WAYNE WET HIS PANTS. RIKU proves he ISN”T EVIL by helping the trio shut the doors from the INSIDE. KING MICKEY POPS UP FROM OUT OF NOWHERE, with a KEYBLADE NO LESS, on the other side of the doors. WORKING TOGETHER, KINGDOM HEARTS IS LOCKED BY SORA AND MICKEY, effectively leaving MICKEY and RIKU in the HEARTLESS WORLD.
Mickey: Woo-hoo! I’m bettin’ this is where the sequel starts off!
The worlds are RESTORED. SORA and KAIRI are SEPARATED. “SIMPLE AND CLEAN” PLAYS. A MONTAGE OF STUFF HAPPENS. After the credits, the trio wind up in a HILLY FIELD, and they begin their journey for the DOOR TO THE LIGHT, as Goofy calls it.
Sora: Nuh-uh! This is where the sequel starts! So nyah!
THE END… OF SOMETHING.
