Learning to Listen: The Lost Art of Listening

I used to teach at a small college. Everyday, class would be a series of questions. I don’t mean questions about the material we were discussing. I mean question about due dates, directions and “What page is that on, again?” The reason I was constantly fielding these queries was simple: the students weren’t listening when I said things the first time. Proof of this comes when another student would ask what his classmate just asked, and I just answered, five minutes before. I’d like to say my experiences talking to the walls are limited to these students who just needed to get organized or sign up for courses later in the day. I’m sure you’d like to say the only people who don’t listen to you are your tired significant other or your moody teenager who is “going through a phase”. However, the truth is our world is becoming a gigantic non-listening wall. The society so infatuated with being heard has become very bad at listening.

Look at our biggest societal complaints: families are falling apart. Politicians are out of touch with the people. Social discourse lacks civility. At the root of these issues is, in part, the same cause: people aren’t listening. Pop psychology, for example, seems to tells us the key to harmony in the home is articulating our every want and need: ask for more romance, tell him why it’s so crucial that he takes out the trash without your asking. The emphasis is on taking responsibility for being heard, not for hearing what the other person is trying to say.

Look at politicians. They all hold town meetings to hear out constituent concerns. But mainly, these forums serve as open mic nights for the candidate, not the voter, as the man or woman running for office spends most of the time twisting questions so he or she can give their pre-packaged statement. It’s not about responding to what’s been asked, it’s about getting out the message, staying on message. And as for debate on television, well, when was the last time you saw one of those no-spin talking heads on TV stop short and say “Really? I never knew that. I guess I was wrong.” The answer is: you never hear that. Those shows aren’t about listening and learning, they’re about shouting, showing off, pushing buttons, and being right. Whomever talks fastest and loudest wins.

Our culture has become so listening-lame that a lexicon has developed. “Zoning out” is how we excuse ourselves when we ignore someone else mid-conversation. “Sorry, I was just zoning out.” Then there’s “oversharing” a phenomenon wherein someone is so intent on being heard, he or she doesn’t realize there are things not everyone wants to know, or should know, for that matter, about another person. Self-censoring is a dirty phrase to some people. And what about that quintessential phrase and matching gesture: “talk to the hand.” Played-out, yes, but still symbolic of the “don’t listen” culture. What says more we don’t care what someone else has to say more clearly than a hand outstretched in the universal gesture for “stop.”

And maybe that’s what’s at the heart of why we’re not listening: an overwhelming lack of interest not just in what another person is saying, but in other people all together. Humans have always been egocentric, but when have we ever been so fired up about it, worn it like it’s a badge of honor? Self-help, self-actualization, self-improvement, “me time”. Everyday we’re bombarded by people overdosing on themselves. Talk show guests. Tell-all celebrities. Bloggers. Thirty year olds writing memoirs. Wow, it really IS all about me! So let me tell you ever detail about me while I don’t let you get a word in edgewise. And don’t mind me if, after oversharing, I zone-out, but what do I really have to gain from listening to your end of a conversation.

The desire to be understood is natural. Expressing our thoughts and feelings, believing they have worth, demanding to be heard and counted: nothing wrong with any of that. In fact, these things are probably essential for good mental health. But the right to be heard is encroaching on our corresponding responsibility to sometimes be the hear-er. It’s taking over the space where concern for others’ problems, stories and opinions should be. It’s taking over the space we should reserve for learning from the words of others. In this communication age, where technology lets us talk to anyone, anytime, we need to stop mimicking the cell phone ad guy constantly asking “can you hear me now?” and instead more often ask “Hey, could you use someone to listen?”