Lessons on Boundaries When Dating

Recently, I sat and listened to a woman who had been married for 20 years with three children ages 12 – 17 tell me that in relationships, “It’s all about me”. I had looked at her and thought, “that seems a bit selfish”, though in hind sight of a recent few dates I would say she was exactly right.

Our lives are ‘about us’. Our likes and dislikes, beliefs, values, and opinions are uniquely decided and formed by us. Surely, we are affected by the lifestyles and cultures around us, but we decide what pieces of that we take back and make part of our own identity.

I have dated off and on for a number of years with large breaks in between where I didn’t establish romantic relationships. I am a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse in the earlier years of my life. This has, sadly, given me hurdles to stumble over each time I desire to get closer to another person. Establishing trust can be done. It takes time, care, and development. Getting to know someone seems the reasonable course. Yet, my own experiences recently in dating has introduced me to two types of men who were all about ‘what they wanted from me”:

The Octopuss

Charming, gregarious person who says all the right things, woos you in a moment and asks for the world all within a span of minutes. The word ‘no’ to this species seems to be foreign. Lot’s of head knodding occurs and reassurance followed by a return to a fast game of fend off the tentacles. Octopusses are clingy!

Mr. Suave

Intelligent, interesting, filled with toothy smiles. He says the right things, promises more and seldom lives up to his words. Trust your first instinct. First impressions are usually right.

Recenty, I met both of these men. After talking to Mr. Suave, I decided that his rather flippant response to dating married women made him a non-match for my values in life. He seemed the type of man who would “make agreements” with someone while dating me. He saw sex alot more casually than I am able. Of course, this is partially because of my past. Red flag alert! Up the flags and alarms went. The choices of his life and his sexuality were his. The question was, did I wish to comingle mine with his?

I decided not to return Mr. Suave’s calls for a potential date. This only served to spurn him on. He was ready for a challenge. Why would I a very overweight woman of 41 not be returning his calls? The possibilities of it must have simply been beyond comprehension. As he would share with me later, “he could have his choice of women.” Then he called me at work. Never give out your business card. It is a beautiful, professional statement of who you are, but in despiration the number may get used in a less than professional manner.

There I sat at work in the phone ques for a large daily newspaper. I specialize in advertising. My phones can be monitored at any time for quality. I answer the phone putting on my best smiling voice.

Mr. Suave: Lynnette?

Me: “Hello, I am glad you called.” Stupid me – I had fallen to his last message where he seemed so sensitive and encouraging and had asked for good communicaiton. Oh dear, I am a sucker for communicators!

Mr. Suave: “I was about to give up, but I thought why not call you one more time. I have been unable to reach you at home.”

Me: “Yes, I know. I hadn’t decided if I would return your call as I was concerned about a few things you said when we first met. I became a bit fearful about your intentions.”

Mr. Suave (now a bit ruffled around the edges): “Well, I am not certain what would have made you so afraid. You must have been hurt before badly or something occured for you to feel this alarm.”

Oh he sounds so logical. Help – I’m going to have to tell him about my past. That is going to make me more vulnerable than I am prepared for.

Me: “Well yes, you spoke so casually about having a previous relationship with a married woman. That concerns me. Also, you made a comment when I spoke of cancer & my inability to have children that was presumptuous. Your reply was, “That’s great you can relax now and enjoy yourself without worry of being pregnant.”

At the time, I thought he is trying not to seem shocked. What he really meant was HE didnt have to worry about getting me pregnant. Jeez, does he really think of me as a human sperm receptical?

Mr. Suave (indignant and offended): “I do not understand why you have jumped to conclusions. It would be better to have opened up and talked to me about this. You yourself had dated a man while he was still married.”

He was right. I had. The man was separated. His wife knew we were dating. I had always felt badly afterwards. I should have waited until his relationship was completely resolved. They deserved that time.

Me: “Yes, and I didn’t take that lightly, and I do not now. I have to be careful with whom I open up to because I have things in my past that make me need to take special care with msyelf.”

Mr. Suave: “Well, I dont know what it would have been. I can only guess that you have been very hurt by by someone.”

He sounds so stable. He is logically thinking through things. He is getting irritated, but it is nice to hear that he hasn’t had such negative relationships in his own past. I feel so damaged. I can see where my judgements of him, without clarification, would offend.

Me: “This isn’t something I wish to talk about here at work, but yes, there was abuse in my past. Because of that, I need to take time to know someone, to develop a level of trust with them. I am not interested in a casual sexual relationship. I feel like that is what you are seeking.”

Ouch.

Now Mr. Suave is really back peddling. More is said about me having jumped to conclusions. I cannot understand why he is unable to even try to see things from my point, afterall I am being extremely honest and letting him know exactly what he faces. I have wounds. I am trying to work through them and I have compassion for msyelf in this process . I know getting close to a wounder person is not an ideal situation. I apologize for us even needing to discuss these things at this early stage. I wonder if there is ever a good time?

Me: “Why don’t we just go out and spend some time together?”

I was thinking of the ease between us at the time of our first meeting. Maybe I have over complicated things. I will take another step and see what reality reports. For me, this is a brave step.

Mr. Suave now feeling angry and trying not to show his irritation checks his calendar, hmmms and ha’s, and acts like a child, and doesn’t really commit. Finally, I remind him that I am on the phone at work. My phone lines are tapped into periodically by management & I no longer wish to hold up the line.

“Why don’t you call me later and we can discuss where to meet.” We had alread established a time of 2:00 PM on Sunday.

I walked away from that phone call understanding why he felt judged. I had judged him and aside from having to feel his irritation I now had past memories open and swimming around me. This whole dating thing was not off to the right start. I remembered why I had been focused elsewhere the past few years. Always as a survivor of abuse, I have to be watchful of myself. I know I will be nervous, shy, and I know why I have kept myself unavailable. I was now trying to break that cycle and open up to new romance. Damn, where was the motive to continue forward? It would be so much earier to return to my peace. I would again, be alone.

That evening, I share the events of my day with a younger man I have met on the internet. He is thrilled to spend time with me. He is willing to drop his hat and drive an hour to join me for a movie. What a pleasant change from Mr. Suave’s irritation.

We enjoy a movie and stop by my apartment to chat for a bit before his long drive home. Of course, as you may have guessed, he is Mr. Octopus. He’s an endearing person, we laugh readily, but he has not learned good boundaries. The evening continues and he mentions his older brother and moments of them talking about women. I wonder how many “tips” he still has swimming in his head about how to please a woman. Suddenly I am reminded of a scene from the TV sit-com, “Friends”. The characters of Rachel and Monica teach Ross how to become a better lover for a woman he has been unable to sexually fulfill.

“First you hit point 1, followed by point 2”, Monica dutifully draws out a diagram.

“A stop in between at point 3.”

“Back to points 1, 2, 3.”

“Then four.”

“Four!”

“Four!”

We see Rachel and Monica melting at the mere thought!

Mr Octopus was both too young and just too handsy. I couldn’t make him realize I was not responsible for his penis and I certainly had made it clear before meeting him that night that things were not going to result in sex.

Goodbye, Mr. Octopus.

Sunday afternoon, sitting at my computer. The phone rings. Who else? It is Mr. Suave. It is now 2:30 PM. Despite the fact that he has not called to clarify that we are going to be meeting this day and he is now 30 minutes even beyond the date time, he asks, “Do you still want to meet today?” “No”, I say. I tell him I do not wish to meet and I cannot bring myself to have another difficult conversation.

Goodbye, Mr. Suave.

Monday morning at work. Ring. It’s Mr. Suave. He is sounding so nice and so sincere. He says he doesnt quite understand? Why is it that we cannot meet? He doesnt understand how we could have went from getting along so well when we met, to this point?

I laugh. It is all all a mess. I feel a good portion of responsibility given my own fear reactions. I tell him I just didnt know how we are to jump this hurdle given our lack of good feelings. If we were further into the relationship and we stumbled over conflict, we’d have positive feels to push us beyond this.

Mr. Suave: “You won’t regret meeting me again.”

“I don’t know what it is about you, but I have been unable to get you out of my mind.”

Oh! I like that!

He continues, “I think you are a very beautiful and interesting woman. I want another chance to get to know you.”

“I understand you were afraid. I have questions about that because I have never lived through something like you have.”

OH. He sounds so very rational. Intelligence is awfully sexy.

He continues, “If you like, I will describe to you how attracted I am to you.”

Oh Lord, here we go. Stop. Aren’t you listening?

“No, that wont be necessary. You definitely dont want to tell me that.” After much laughter on my part, I tell him that will make me run the othe way as fast as I can. He chuckles and offers to be my submissive.

A submissive. Hmmm.. a man who will allow me to dominate the sitatuation and the pace of this date.

“Afterall”, he tells me, “I am interested in spending more time with you, getting to know you, seeing what developes between us.”

Ah. This is sounding more normal. I can agree upon that course.

I learn later. Actions speak louder than words.

We make a date for Sunday. We sit in a park and talk for 4 hours. My goal is to find out more about him, to experience his company and let that tell me if I want to see more of him. That seems right. He asks good questions as he is trying to determine what it will be like to date someone like myself. I am very clear about having walls. His questions are reasonable. I find out more about him. He reems to be far less “quick to jump to sex” than I thought.

We head to my car as the sun begins to set. It’s gotten cold out and I am ready to go home. We say goodbye after a few very nice kisses and then he says, “let’s go home”. Oh. I do believe he just asked to come back to my place to hook-up. Ugh. I say, “No, I am getting to know you. You are getting to know me.” We agree to meet again on thursday evening for a movie.

Note to self. When you provide the person with a clear map, and they still repeat their original action, they are not listening.

I call him on Wednesday to suggest a movie on Thursday evening. I ask him to contact me either way if he is free or busy.

He doesn’t call until Friday. He calls me at work, again. He apologizes. Life is afterall busy. Yes I understand that, I too am often busy. We discuss the potentials of meeting on Sunday. He assures me that he would like to see a movie with me. He will call back to let me know for certain what time as he has to shuffle some plans. I react very neutral and assure him to just let me know, if not Sunday, there is always next week.

It is now Sunday. He has not called.

We have gone full circle.

Ah atlast, I remember, It is ALL about me.
Me doesn’t feel special in this budding relationship.
Me has had to set my fears aside simply to move forward.
Me is irritated at myself for not following my first impression and saying, “No.”

I have learned from this experience. I cannot speculate about the other person. I cannot feel responsible for their feelings or worry about hurting them. I need to take better care in my own boundaries. I will listen to that inner voice. The same voice that gingerly tells me it is time to move forward and put these lessons behind. Let go. Breath. Clarify my own needs. I feel positive that I have taken steps to open up to dating and love again. I remind myself of the reason I exist, to experience life. My perspective is unique; my life is really all about me.