Lions, Tigers, and Peeing Bears
Camping seems much more rewarding when done right. Sure, hiking, fishing, and eating ravioli right out of the can sounds fun and exciting, but c’mon, who’s camping story doesn’t have any of those? When my friends begin telling me how their last excursion into the wilderness went, I can’t help that neon red signs go off in my mind flash, “BORING.” It’s clearly not my fault you can’t have a unique experience with nature, so if you want to be the talk of the town the next time you abandon your worldly pleasures and sink down to using outhouses, no showers, and smores for breakfast, then this is the article for you!
Imagine this: in the morning, you wake up with a familiar burning sensation, which is your body’s way of telling you that you need to pee. Through your tent, you can tell that the sun is not completely out yet, and it’s still a little dark, but the burning is too strong and annoying to go back to sleep and wait until later. So you peek outside your tent to remember where the bathroom is, when you see something very unexpected: four or five bears standing on their hind legs around your campfire. And as you look closer, you see that they’re actually peeing into the fire pit, and making giggling sounds. You wonder what brought the bears here, but remembered you and your friends ate fish for dinner, and traces of its smell must be in the air around the campfire. You look at the bears, then to your sleeping friends in the tent, and back to the bears. What do you do?
When I give people this scenario, they give me a weird look, but when they get past the insanity of the question, they find that they are not sure of what to do. Do they scare the bears away? Well, that would be stupid, because bears are very strong and, like me, would not enjoy being scared while peeing. The only thing worse than being torn to pieces by bear claws would be being torn to pieces with urine drenched bear claws. The chance of infection must skyrocket. Anyways, should we just let the bears do their business and ignore them? Yes, I guess we could, but where’s the thrill in that? It seems we’ve been given a wonderful opportunity to participate in an unusual ritual that nature has blessed us with.
Here are five things you should do if you ever encounter five peeing bears:
REMAIN CALM. Panicking never helps anything. And since you can hear the bears giggling, they’re probably not as fierce as your instincts tell you.
TAKE A PICTURE. Your family and friends probably won’t believe you if you tell them what you saw. Heck, even I wouldn’t believe it. So have your camera at the ready, but be sure to turn the flash off. The bears would most likely be too into their peeing game to notice your head poking out of the tent, but a flash in the morning might throw off their aim and make them hit each other with urine. That would “piss” them off quite a bit. Flash is definitely a no-no.
MAKE SURE YOUR FOOD IS LOCKED UP. If it’s not, the bears will be sure to get it once they’re done relieving themselves. And being bears, they probably won’t have the courtesy to wash their hands when they’re done peeing. So, for the rest of your trip, you’ll have bear urine smelling paw prints all over your table and ice chest. However, before you put all the food away, grab some honey and take it back to your tent.
COVER YOUR FRIENDS IN HONEY. If you and your friends are discovered by the bears, which do you think would be eaten first? A dirty, smelly man running away, or sleeping, scrupulous men covered in sweet, succulent honey? Even stupid animals like bears understand that a free, non-moving meal comes rarely in wildlife. Good thing Winnie-the-Pooh isn’t around. The one thing worse than being eaten alive because you’re covered in honey is being licked everywhere by a bear with a red T-shirt on. I don’t think Winnie-the-Pooh is the kind of bear to eat someone, since I always see him eating honey on TV. Winnie-the-Pooh hunting after animals to eat would definitely not make a good after-school special.
GET NAKED. Then, get out of the tent and join the quintet of giggling grizzlies. This step isn’t mandatory, but it’ll make the story to the children or random women in the grocery store line a lot more exciting than just, “I saw bears peeing.” The importance of being naked is to show the bears that you aren’t outside to hurt or scare them. As you approach the fire pit, make sure to strut with confidence. Don’t walk like a wimp, or be afraid, because if you do, they won’t see a man, they’ll see a piece of meat. Finally, smile to the bears, politeness is a key, and then start peeing. Once they see that, they’ll start giggling again and pee with you. It might even be a good idea to bring toilet paper just as a friendly gesture. The happier and friendlier you are, the better. And if the bears are hungry after they pee, remember, you still have some friends covered in honey in the tents not too far away.
So there you have it! After your adventures, make sure to tell your friends what had happened. Not only for shock value, but to warn them of what is now in their fire pit. Thus, this would make them realize that it’s not a good place to hide when you’re playing hide and seek or tag. To help them not get angry about being covered in honey, make something up like you heard on Animal Planet honey repels bears and the creators of Winnie-the-Pooh incorrectly portrayed what bears enjoy eating. Be creative. Just don’t mention how you might have had to offer them as food to the bears while you ran away.
With this information, you have the potential to put a good name back on camping stories. No more hearing how someone’s son peed in the stream, or about the animal that bit the boy when he was peeing. You’ll be the talk of the town, the most popular at any party, which could potentially lead to fame and fortune. Once you’re rolling in the Benjamins because some big company wanted the most popular guy in the world working for them, be sure to send me a check and a picture of the bears.
Disclaimer: Do not approach bears on any camping trip. It doesn’t matter if you’re naked or fully clothed. Do not cover your friends in honey, especially when they’re sleeping. Do not pee in campfires. Do not encourage or dare your friends to do anything mentioned in this article. This was only written for your fun and humor. However, if you feel like it, do send me a check.
