Living Dinosaurs Found!
Based on the findings of the expedition led by renowned paleontologist Otis Reaymon, a representative for the petroleum corporation has announced plans to step in. Marcus Scottbottom, a spokesman for the Executive Network Righting Oil Neglect said, “It’s now time for oil companies to take charge. We know how to deal with these creatures.”
Brazil, carrying huge amounts of national debit, has been open to talks with the oil cartel. JosÃ?© Pico, a representative of the Brazilian government, announced that the country is very anxious to exploit this latest natural resource. “We are a big, poor nation that has a lot of jungle. Having dinosaurs to sell could be our salvation.”
Brazil had been considering establishing a dinosaur preserve and charging people to tour and observe the dinosaurs. But after watching the “Jurassic Park” trilogy, government officials backed off that idea. “Besides,” added Mr. Pico, “the real money is in big oil.”
The National Association of Animal Rights, however, is attempting to block this move to corral these survivors of the Jurassic and Cretaceous eras. “These oil companies are going to take these dinosaurs and process them into oil,” stated Lorraine Newmont, president of NAAR. “Petroleum is a fossil fuel, formed under the earth’s surface by the decomposition of prehistoric animals. Now they want to take these amazing creatures and squish the oil out of them!”
But the oil companies claim they have no choice. Mr. Scottbottom explained, “Oil is running out. Everyone knows that. And everyone is always telling us to switch to renewal resources. Well, if we have dinosaurs here, and we can make oil out of them, hey, it’s renewable.” Scottbottom has noted the success of companies that have taken coal, added chemicals and pressurized it to create diamonds. “We can easily adapt the process to making new supplies of petroleum.”
But Ms. Newmont protests the concept. “We just found out that these creatures exist and now these people want to start killing them so they can run their SUVs a few days longer? It’s outrageous!” The organization’s protests have been getting results. Members of the Brazilian government had begun questioning the talks with the petroleum companies. Other environmental groups have been joining the crusades. One such group, Earth Re-Birth, was at first reluctant to join. Managing Director Mona Manson explained, “It was hard to get our brains around the initial ludicrous concept of real, live dinosaurs existing. But once we did, we kind of had to join the fight. We protect living things. I guess they qualified.”
But the oil Executive Network feels strongly. In an effort to complete their plans and turn back the “tree-huggers” the group has petitioned the US government to help clear the hurdles. “It’s not just the dinosaurs. There’s no democracy in the Amazon jungles. In fact, it’s mostly cannibals. They need democracy now. And to be saved from these prehistoric killing machines. That’s why this country must inflict itself upon the dinosaur community. To spread freedom,” Mr. Scottbottom told us. “Oh, yeah, and national security. Frees us from dependence on Arab oil. If we don’t kill the dinosaurs, then the terrorists have won.”
Paleontologist Otis Reaymon admitted annoyance of the fuel feud; “Here I nearly got myself killed bringing proof of living dinosaurs home and now they want to kill the dinosaurs. That’s like the definition of ironic, no?”
“Look, people raise cows so we can kill them and eat them,” Mr. Scottbottom continued, “so I don’t see the problem. These dinosaurs are just down there, helping no one. We can bring them back, raise them then process them down to a couple of gallons of hi-test. Same thing.”
