Living in the Past

In many cases I don’t enjoy watching movies that leave me ill at ease and from time to time I come across characters that often remind me of myself and those reminders aren’t always complimentary.

I recently watched the Return of the Native and saw facets of my personality and way of thinking in the self-centered character of Eustacia Vye; lost in imagination, melancholy, wanting more but feeling trapped by circumstance and location, misunderstood and rejected by all but men.

…I didn’t like Eustacia for she made me angry; irritated that I saw parts of myself in her actions, which I found selfish and disrespectful; how simply being loved isn’t enough, although its what most people desire from life, and how we think that somewhere out there a better place awaits.

I’ve influenced decisions in others and many of those decisions have been the wrong ones. I remember moving to New York with the Army because I thought it would be exciting and different and how, once I was there, missed Colorado so much that I didn’t value where I was, wasting the time I had there and most likely taking some of the joy from my family since they were on the receiving end of my homesickness, which was unfair for them. We don’t just punish ourselves when we’re lost in melancholy, but we hurt those closest to us, even if the consequence is unintended.

Our time in New York was just shy of three years and it’s been six years since we’ve moved home. Time is short-lived and all too soon passes into memory, and I am just now understanding how it is to live in the moment, smile at the past, and look forward to the future because the future arrives soon enough.

I cannot bemoan loss for time has claimed them and that cannot change. What I can change is my perception and outlook on life. Wherever I go, I always miss what I’ve left behind while not appreciating what I have at the moment. That is a recipe for unhappiness and who would deliberately endow such a thing upon themselves?

It’s all in my way of thinking and reacting. I still have so much to learn but happy I’ve been edified through what I thought were struggles.

I have low tolerance for mistakes that are made in repetition and I owe it to my loved ones and to myself to be different – better.

I’m trying not to let negativity overpower optimism because the brightness in life is what makes it all worthwhile and gives the strength to endure through any darkness we might encounter.