Living with Your Partner’s PTSD
Sexual intimacy is often very difficult for a woman with PTSD. The whole sexual experience may bring back memories of the horrible things she endured at the hands of her molester. At times, you (the male partner) are no longer you. Her mind has replaced your image with flashbacks of the other man. Suddenly, she is a victim again, writhing in pain, totally helpless and scared out of her wits. She may begin crying, or become very still and quiet. She may push you away from her, or begin shaking. Any sort of sudden change in her behavior is a clue that something is amiss, she is no longer comfortable with the situation, and her PTSD is taking over. As frustrating as it may be for you, move to the other side of the bed and allow her time to regain control. If she tells you to stop, your laughing or saying things such as, “I promise you’ll like it,” will only make things worse. Keep in mind that it is not you she is reacting to, envisioning, or feeling. It is her worst nightmare made flesh once again. Some sexual acts may never be a part of your relationship. Don’t try to surprise her with sex, such as being in the hot tub naked when she gets home from work or waking her up by caressing her body. These things place too much emphasis on the sexual act. Try to realize that “experimental” sex may be just overly traumatic for her.
Personal space is a safe-haven for sexual abuse victims with PTSD. The “normal” three feet of space that social convention tells us to respect may be more like five feet for the woman you love. Although things such as holding hands and kissing are usually not problems, you may notice that “full body” hugs are a bit awkward. Often, a survivor of abuse keeps at least one part of her body free whether by turning a hip, arching her back (and hence keeping the pelvis from touching), or turning her face to the side. All of these tactics may be unconscious attempts to avoid being trapped. The feeling of being trapped is unbearable to her. In many cases, she may become panic-stricken or defensive. Some things you should never do as her male partner include standing outside the shower curtain or trying to get in the shower with her, as the space is just too small. Don’t lean her against the kitchen counter to hug or kiss her, or come up behind her suddenly and hug her from the back. Instead, place your hand on her back and allow her to turn toward you. If she is leaned over in the refrigerator, don’t startle her or grab her from behind. After all, she has a refrigerator in front of her, the door to her side, and now you have cut off her escape from behind. PTSD reactions to these situations can be as simple as a tightening of all her muscles or a full-blown scream. She may even come out swinging, either verbally or physically. The best thing you can do for her if this happens is to back away and allow her to realize it was only you. When caught up in the overwhelming sensation of being trapped, she does not know or care who it is that is close to her; she just wants them (or you) to get away from her.
At times, it may seem like your girlfriend or wife is tracking your every move. She wants to know where you are going, what you are doing, what time you will be home, and who are going to be with. You need to realize that most of the time, these questions are not an attempt to control you, but rather an attempt to control her PTSD and situations. You see, she lost faith in her ability to manipulate events the first time the other man did something to her she did not agree to. She was probably in what she thought was a safe situation (with a trusted family friend or relative, or walking down a street). Then, in a split second, that situation turned into one of sheer terror. She lost control, and to this day has never felt that she fully regained it. She is now overly-conscious of all the things that can go wrong in seemingly ordinary activities. Car wrecks, car jackers, friends getting you arrested, movie theaters catching on fire; these are all scenarios that most people just don’t think much about until they see it on the news. But the PTSD sufferer knows first hand the worst that can happen, and she is faced with imagining the worst happening to the one man she can be close to. Making short phone calls to let her know you will be home late, or you are going with John to a hardware store instead of hanging out at Mike’s house, will go a long way in helping to alleviate her fears.
There are some simple rules to going out in public with a woman who has been a victim of sexual abuse and suffers from PTSD. One rule is to never leave her alone. If you have to leave her, such as going to the men’s room, tell her you are going. If she wants to stand outside the door, let her; if she stays where she is, don’t get sidetracked and leave her there for twenty minutes. She may become anxious, nervous, and then panicky. If you are in a bar, do not encourage her to dance with other men, even if he is a friend of yours. Leave it completely up to her, and if she says no, back her up. If you are at a house, don’t leave her in a room with a bunch of strange men while you go to get another beer. Tell her you want another beer, and see if she offers to get it. Or, tell her you are going to the kitchen and ask if she wants to come. It is easier for her to get away from a male who wants to talk to her if she is already moving. If you leave her on the couch by herself, she has nowhere to go to get away without looking rude in front of all your buddies. Even though you may have known your group of friends for years, she has been given no reason to trust them. The PTSD rule for a victimized woman becomes, “Guilty until proven innocent.”
Finally, learn to recognize the signs that the woman you love is uncomfortable, nervous, or anxious. Is she speaking quietly? Is she rubbing her hands? Is she touching her face? Is her breathing faster than usual? Is she looking around the room, or at one particular person, frequently? If you notice any behaviors that appear unusual, try to reassure her by holding her hand, or draping your arm behind her, or giving her more space if she is reacting in an intimate situation. Talk to her about what is okay to do and what is not. Go to counseling with her, or help her get professional counseling to confirm the PTSD if she has not had any treatment. If you truly love her and want to make the relationship last, give her back the control she needs to feel whole again. Sometimes you may feel that you are having to make up for the sins of the entire male gender; in part this may be true. But if a sufferer is allowed to find her way back to reality, your relationship will be that much stronger for it. Instead of getting mad at the irrationality of PTSD, turn your anger on the perpetrators who stalk children and sexually molest one in four females in this country. Teach your daughters to fight like hell, scream loudly, and tell you or another adult if something happens. And love your partner for having the courage to stare horror in the face and come out of it, PTSD and all.
