Local News at Eleven
My first complaint concerning the local news is the film footage used. An evening does not go by where the story is about 30 to 45 seconds longer than the accompanying footage, meaning I get to watch the same footage over and over again, sometimes up to three or four times. For example, as a reporter delivers the story about the Governor’s Chief of Staff in trouble for illegal fund raising, I am treated with footage of this woman walking down a hall. When she reaches the end, the film goes back to the beginning of the hall and I get the same footage, over and over until the story ends. If that is all you have to show me, then show it and pan back to the studio or the reporter, because after about the third time seeing the same thing I start to concentrate on that and not the story.
Another shooting in Hartford! Who could expect that? Only the local news anchor seems alarmed, even though for the last six months he has told me about a Hartford shooting three times a week. These channels must have about ninety seconds reserved each night to report on the latest shooting, and must have to scramble to fill that time period when nobody actually gets shot, which isn’t often.
The build-up to some stories on the local news will begin days ahead of time, in such a manner that you cannot believe they aren’t telling you about them right now. The commercial will warn of a potential “deathtrap right in your own backyard”, and then tell you to tune in at eleven on Monday night for this “exclusive story”. If there was something that dangerous in my backyard, I need to know yesterday so I can avoid it or rid myself of it. One such feature piece cautioned viewers to be sure to see the news on Tuesday because “there was something on Connecticut’s waterways that can kill you in sixty seconds”. Oh my God, I thought, it is the Loch Ness Monster escaped from Scotland and in a witness protection program here in New England. Turns out it is the fumes from your outboard motor, which if you breathe in continually will cause great harm. Who knew not to breathe in toxic fumes?
Often the news will open with what I consider something minor, like a town meeting about a sewer problem. Slow news day I think, until about ten minutes later when the newsman finally tells me about a major catastrophe somewhere in the country. Why wouldn’t that be your lead story? Apparently because they can’t afford to send their “on location” reporter there but they can make it to the town meeting. So instead of finding out right away that the New York City subway system was a target of terrorists, I find out that a lady in Bridgeport had 32 cats living with her.
How does one become a weatherman, because I want that job. You just show up and stand in front of maps and Doppler radar and lie like a used car salesman. These people have absolutely no idea what it is going to do the day after tomorrow, but they will have the audacity to give you an eight-day forecast. In the summer, they always throw in the phrase “chance of an afternoon thundershower” just to cover themselves. It seems the more technology that is developed, the worse the weather predictions have become. But if there is an impending snowstorm, even if it is days away, then that is like a goldmine for the weatherman. When I was a kid, the weather would consist of a picture of a sun, clouds, rain, or snow. That was it. The weather took about a minute and was over. Now the weather person on the local news prays for snow. He or she will then proceed to turn that into the storm to end all storms right up until the day before, when they will say things like “if it tracks to the south we will be spared” or “it all depends on the temperature”. Because in reality, they don’t know, but they do know that the threat of snow means good ratings for the local news.
I am a Yankees fan, and when the sports comes on the local news, I don’t need to hear them called the “Evil Empire” because the man delivering the sports once caught a foul ball off the bat of Jim Rice. Just show the highlights and give me the scores. Most of the local news people delivering the sports must have at one time dreamed of being stand-up comedians; it is quickly evident why those dreams never came to fruition. Also, the one rule of obtaining a job doing the sports on the local news for females has to be that you cannot be ugly. Maybe you need to be able to read as well. As unfair as that seems, it is true.
The local news may bring new meaning to the old adage “No news is good news”.
