Losing Control, Not Weight: A Writer’s Brief Bout with Laxatives

I think I am addicted to laxatives. It’s gross- and I don’t know how or why.

I get an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach area, and sometimes it even makes noises. The rumble is a sign that I need to use the facilities. I try to use the bathroom when no one else is in the room, but working at a school, that is rare. So I hold it. I get the shivers and feel dizzy. Finally, when I go, it is totally liquid, as if my #2 was a #1. It’s disgusting, and I am ashamed.

But as I am going, I feel a sense of relief that something is coming out of me that doesn’t belong there. I rationalize that although I may have had an extra helping at dinner, or had a piece of birthday cake, it will all come out.

I have been doing this over and over again for about a month.

Yesterday, I had to pull over on the side of the road to compose myself and then try to make it to a gas station to do what the laxatives made me do- then I got to work and spent a total of an hour in the bathroom.

I make excuses to people at work. Food poisoning, perhaps. Bad water? My teeth have been killing me and I finally went to the dentist and found I must have my wisdom teeth out, as well as a root canal repaired. Could that infection be causing the digestive problems, my boss pondered, as I tried to believe it myself.

I have been excessively thirsty- to the point where I am drinking a gallon or more of water just during the workday. I feel like my mouth is filled with dust- I’m not just thirsty- my mouth is dry and I can’t quench it. My tongue gets stuck to the roof of my mouth. I feel like I have hangover mouth, but yet, I just had a whole bottle of water. My skin even feels dry. The laxatives have sucked up every bit of moisture my body can produce. I can’t replenish. It is absorbed faster than I can drink it.

I told my boyfriend about this when I got home last night. He asked me to promise him I’d stop taking them. He does not know how much I have been taking lately, and I don’t think I did either. I promised, as I thought it’d be easy. But I didn’t throw them away. I may need them for constipation, or maybe he will even.

But today- I came home from work and did some things before bed. I brushed my teeth, took my birth control pill, and as I placed those items back in the cabinet- there it was- a pink box filled with the store-brand laxative tablets. I couldn’t resist. After all, I had pizza at work tonight- and I was doing so well avoiding carbsâÂ?¦.

One more night won’t hurt.

I will wake up again in the morning, rushing to the bathroom, and then once at work, rushing again. I will drink water all day long and have coworkers give me a new theory on why I am so dehydrated.

I have never been obese, but throughout college I gained some weight. I was a size 14, but for the past three or four years, I have went down to a size ten, just by watching carbs- doing my own thing I call the “No B, Triple P,” or, no bread, pizza, pasta, and potatoes. While still a ten, the clothes fit looser. I feel so comfortable with myself, and have to over and over again tell people ‘my secret.’ I have a great boyfriend, and we are very much in love. He loves me the way I am, but does tell me how hot I’d be if I toned up a little, always encouraging. Like almost every other girl, I wish for washboard abs and a totally toned butt and legs. But I know I am pretty and know that I look good- still suddenly, I want more.

But before the shore this summer, a few friends and I talked about trying to lose weight quick. My one male friend said that if you take laxatives, you’d drop about ten pounds in a week. My girlfriend and I bought a pack of Ex-lax the next day, but neither of us started the ‘diet.’ I was afraid.

Fast forward to last month. For some reason I was constipated. It was horrible! As a winced in pain on the toilet after reading the Sunday paper in its entirety, I remembered that I still had the ex-lax, so I looked over the directions, and took the two tablets it recommended. A few hours later, I was golden.

Wow. I thought to myself, that really wasn’t so bad. If you take them at the right time before bed, it won’t interfere for when you get caught in public the next day. I decided to see if it would help me lose a few extra pounds, almost like my own private experiment.

To be honest, I do not feel that I have lost anything. Except control.

Tonight, I stayed up a little later than my boyfriend. I took a laxative, as I said above, and joined him in bed. I got up from the bed, and got a glass of water. We just had an incredible night of sex, and when we were through, I was so thirsty. He asked why. I told him I must have still been dehydrated. He asked if I took another one, or if this was still from yesterday. At first, I wanted to lie. But then I said that I did take one. He said that my word meant nothing. I started to cry in bed, and after I got a glass of water, I came into my office. I wanted to call someone and talk, but it is 1:35. I am a writer, and this is how I can express my feelings.

I am a smart person, and I want to stop this before it starts. I think I do have a problem. I never felt such relief in something so painful and uncomfortable. But yet, I yearn for the feeling because I know that the movement I make, is outward.

I am losing control. Not weight. I don’t want to lose either of those, nor lose the faith of someone who cares for me. What do I do?

**Update- the laxative abuse ended in a few weeks. It was a short infatuation with an unsafe weight loss method, but nonetheless, still a small battle.