Love Addiction and Toxic Relationships
Are you in a relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend that you know is bad for you? Do your family and friends tell you how concerned they are? Do you make up your mind to leave only to go right back again? Are you continuing to pursue a partner who refuses to commit to you? Are you coming into the relationship with low self esteem, feeling needy? Does the relationship make you miserable but seem to have an unnatural hold on you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may have a love addiction.
When we think of addictions, we think of alcohol, drugs, gambling or food, but addiction to love can be even more prevalent than any of these, especially among women. Love is a primary emotion that is as powerful as cocaine. Women tend to be the eternal optimists and many times are raised to look for the good in people. Women are also quick to forgive and accept an apology. But that is not always realistic. If your heart gets in the way of what your head is telling you, making healthy choices may be very difficult.
Marsha is a twenty-eight year old woman with an excellent educational background, an upwardly mobile career, a great apartment, and supportive family and friends. Everyone loved her zest for life and her contagious laugh. Then Marsha met David at a company party, and they quickly became a couple. He wanted all her time, and she lost contact with many of her friends and saw her family less and less. Being with him was consuming. At first she was very happy. Then problems began to surface. She suspected he was lying to her, as her gut told her he wasn’t being honest. But she loved him, and she convinced herself that she was just being silly. They began to fight constantly and he often put her down, blamed her for the problems in their relationship, and made her cry. The more he pushed her away, the more miserable she was. And every time he called after a break-up, she’d go running back to him to give him another chance. Her family and friends noticed she looked tired, was withdrawn, and never laughed anymore. But their warnings and concern fell on deaf ears. Even though she knew the things they were telling her were true, and the relationship with David was so painful, she couldn’t seem to let him go. Her work began to suffer, and her usual self-confidence slowly changed to doubt and self blame.
Thomas had been in love with Amy for a long time, when she died in an auto accident. He was devastated and never thought he’d love again. He was in this hurt, vulnerable position when he met Beth. Beth was caring and a great listener and he found himself being drawn to her. It was easy to fall into the natural rhythm of the relationship and let her make the decisions, where they should go, what they should do, because he knew she had his best interests at heart. She didn’t like his family or his rowdy friends, and so they stayed away from them. She thought he didn’t make enough money, so he quit the job he loved to take a high pressure job he hated. No matter what he did, she never seemed happy. He began to wonder what was wrong with him, why he couldn’t make her happy. He didn’t want to lose another woman, so no matter how bad things get, he was convinced he could fix it if he only tried harder. But no matter how he tried, he felt miserable and rejected.
Betty was recently divorced when she met Jack. He was charming and very complimentary and said all the sweet things she’d being hungry to hear. He showered her with gifts, cards, little notes. Before long, they were dating exclusively. Gradually, he began to criticize her, although it was subtle at first. He didn’t like her choice of clothes, her children, or her job. He knew what was best for her if she’d only listen. She began to doubt herself in all areas of her life. She caught him in multiple lies but he would apologize and cry and seem so sorry, she’d forgive him. As the relationship progressed, she grew increasingly unhappy, and tried to break it off. But she’d get lonely one night, and he’d call and be so sweet, and she would go back with him. Before long, she felt so depressed she didn’t want to get out of bed, got fired from her job, and he began to “take care of her.” She grew totally dependent on him. When she looked at herself in the mirror, she felt like a shell of the person she used to be. Now she felt she needed him and couldn’t leave.
Love addictions are very common and extremely hard to recognize when you are addicted. Others may warn you. You know the relationship is not right. But you feel this bond that you can’t seem to break. Many people say they never really saw the relationship clearly until they were out of it for awhile, and then they were shocked at what they had tolerated and how bad it had been. But when you are in the middle of this type of relationship, it’s almost like you caught in a storm of emotions, with no sense of direction. Love addictions affect your health, spirit, and emotional well-being.
From an early age, we are taught that love is a beautiful thing, and love lasts forever. The pictures of beautiful weddings and riding off into the sunset tell us that in order to be happy, we have to be in love. And just like alcoholics or drug addicts, the first words from the mouth of a love addict are, “Oh don’t be silly. If I wanted out of this, I could walk away. But you don’t know him/her like I do. I’m happy. No, really. Well, at least most of the time.” Denial is strong. Many suicides, murders, stalkings, rapes, and other “crimes of passion” were a result of a love addiction.
Some of the signs of love addiction are:
1. Having an “empty hole” inside the heart that needs to be filled, either from childhood neglect or abuse, or a hurtful experience in adulthood. Coming from a vulnerable place makes you more susceptible to love addiction.
2. Putting on a mask of “having it all together” so others won’t see how miserable you are, or that you’ve been crying. Not being honest about the situation.
3. Mistaking the drama in the relationship for passion or intensity.
4. Depression. Losing interest in the things in life you used to enjoy.
5. Isolating from friends or family, making excuses.
6. Coming from a lost relationship and rebounding into this one.
7. Overwhelming fear of being alone or not having a girlfriend/boyfriend, or being rejected.
8. Mistaking sexual attraction for love.
9. Escalating tolerance for bad behavior (putting up with more and more.)
10. Refusing to admit the toxicity of the relationship, denial.
11. Continually questioning your previously held beliefs and values.
12. Feeling desperate, driven, needy, and clingy.
13. Defining out of control behavior as normal.
14. Giving up your personal boundaries, doing things for this person you never thought you’d do for anyone.
15. Low self-esteem. (What if no one else wants me?)
16. Feeling like your life is out of control or you are “riding a roller coaster” in the relationship with more lows than highs.
17. Taking less care of your personal needs than you did previously.
18. Other areas of your life are suffering because of this relationship.
19. Feeling like his/her love is conditional on you doing/being what he/she wants.
20. Saying, “He/she didn’t mean what they said/did.” People may hurt your feelings unintentionally once and apologize. After that, it’s not unintentional, no matter how many apologies or tears follow.
21. Lack of love toward the person but still holding on to the relationship (I hate you, but don’t leave me.)
If you think you may be addicted to a toxic person or relationship, there is hope. The very first step is to admit the relationship you are involved in is not healthy. You already suspected something was wrong before reading this article. I urge you to seek support. Talk to your family and friends and tell them you need them to help you. Go to a professional counselor or your clergy and explain that you believe you are in an unhealthy relationship and need help to leave it. You may have to talk to someone outside of this relationship for awhile to get into a healthier mindset in order to leave the relationship. Be kind to yourself. Ask for help to set a plan in place. Remember your goals. Avoid being “caught in the moment” and making decisions that are not part of your long term goals for yourself. It’s not just a question of leaving the relationship and choosing someone else to be involved with. You have to change how you think about romance and love. As hard as it may seem to the love addict, you have to be willing to put love feelings on the back burner and put compatibility, common values, and honesty ahead of emotional attachments. Allow yourself time to cry and grieve. Remember it may be easy to leave, but much more difficult to “stay out”. You need support to do this. Read books about love addiction. Melody Pia’s book, Facing Love Addiction is excellent, as is John Moore’s Confusing Love with Obsession. Have someone you can call when you are feeling weak and thinking of going back.
Warning: If you are being abused physically, or feel fearful of physical violence of any kind, you need to get out of the relationship immediately and go to a place that is safe. Stay with a friend or family member or seek a shelter in your community. Your local police department can give you the information about the resources in your community.
If you find yourself addicted to love, know that you are not alone. You are not weak or stupid. Love addiction is usually a compulsion that happens so gradually that it is difficult to see the warning signs. But your happiness is important. Your needs are important. Seek help today to put your life back where it needs to be.
