Love and Trust in a World of Woes
Foundational to an authentically loving and intimate relationship is trust. To the degree that trust is too rare a commodity in our culture, the very foundation of many intimate relationships is often built on shifting sand.
Love requires that the involved individuals are both trustworthy and capable of trusting. The odds are against many of us on both accounts. Broken trust, be it by former lovers, parents, relatives or other significant people in our lives, is all too common in the 21 Century. Frankly, in counseling for the past 25 years, I find many people can’t even accurately describe what trust is or how it is formed. It seems to be a nebulous concept, shrouded in a great deal of fog -if not outright fear – always a bit out of focus and most often out of our grasp.
Why are we so broken in this way? Many realties in our society likely make this so. Trust is learned first through our primary caretaker relationships. Reliability, consistency and early bonding are important factors. Touch, nurture, and related needs of a newborn must be met by primary caregivers (generally parents) in a way which wires the infant to expect that its needs will continue to be met. This is basic to the development of trust. In our society there are unfortunately a host of factors that hardwire children to expect far less and develop a mostly distrustful sense of the world and others. Parental absence, addictions, psychological factors, neglect, abuse and abandonment (physical or emotional) are a few such factors. To the extent that this most basic trust relationship is broken and often continues to be broken throughout childhood, we see adolescents and young adults who are seriously lacking in their capacity to trust or bond with others.
Later on, trust is facilitated through not only our family but our core community, closest friends and influential adults as well. In a society where mobility is high, even healthy and loving relationships are often severed by frequent re-location. Modern society also values privacy and autonomy. In light of this, our communities and neighborhoods provide far less connectedness and sense of stability than in previous decades. It is not uncommon for people to know little more than the names of their neighbors, let alone have any sense of being able to trust them or rely on them for anything of substance. Hence, children grow up learning to trust very few others – and sadly, perhaps to trust only themselves. Self-reliance is a highly touted value in our culture.
As children become adolescents and then emerging adults we most commonly observe two trends as related to trust. In one vein we have young people who trust virtually anyone. Perhaps out of some combination of neediness and hopefulness, they open themselves up too readily and expect others to be there for them reliably and unconditionally. Lacking discernment and boundaries they are often devastated by the realities they face. In the other vein, we see young people who are walled off emotionally, trust few if any others and if they have social connections they keep them on a superficial, party-land, level. Either way, these emerging adults journey towards a future devoid of any real ability to trust others.
It is accurate then to say trust, to many people, is evasive, indefinable, unpredictable and seemingly unattainable. Understanding of the fundamentals of trust is needed to repair damage and to make the intimate relationship journey in a healthy way.
Trust, at its most basic core, is confidence in another person that is confirmed by their track record. The creation of trust requires a few basic things: consistency, open communication, honesty, ability to accept input and admit wrongs, and follow through actions. If trust is to develop, a few building blocks are further required. Lewicki, Roy J. and Edward C. Tomlinson in their article, “Trust and Trust Building” Beyond Intractability, outline three such basic building blocks: ability, integrity and benevolence. Ability is the piece that recognizes in the other person an ability to meet our expectations. Integrity is the piece that discerns a match between the person’s words and actions, and benevolence is the piece that senses the other person is invested enough in us to promote (or at least not undermine) our interests.
Even though trust is illusive and sometimes outright missing, people continue to enter into intimate relationships in search of love. Two individuals, feeling a certain synergy, muster up the ability to extend some degree of trust to each other. Trust once extended though is almost just as often violated. Working through the crisis this presents to a relationship is fundamental to the survival of the relationship and to the emotional health of the individuals. However, knowing how to re-built trust, it seems, is even more illusive in life than trust itself . Lewicki & Tomlinson further outline 7 steps in the process of re-building.
The first is to take immediate action, after the violation. It is important for the offending person to communicate sensitivity to the victim and commitment to the relationship. The victim of broken trust should not have to suffer the consequences of the violation and confront the offender with the consequences of his behavior as well.
Next the offender should apologize and give a thorough account of what happened. It is important to take responsibility for one’s actions, and express remorse.
Third, the apology must be sincere and one must sincerely seek to repair the harm that has been done. The offender should show through their words and actions that they genuinely desire to earn the victim’s trust again.
Fourth, the couple needs to prioritize trust day to day, both as a re-building effort and as a preventative effort. Re-building trust in a relationship where there have been few violations of that trust is a more hopeful process than in one there have been recurrent violations of trust.
Fifth, supplement words with deeds. Actions that back up one’s deeds validate one’s efforts.
Sixth, verify expectations and renegotiate as necessary. Clarify standards and commit to adhering to them. Expect to be “on probation” for a time and respond with understanding about this.
And seventh, make it clear that the relationship is a top priority to which you remain committed. Express your emotional attachment to the other person. Credibility is regained when sacrifices are made that demonstrate the priority of the relationship over your own self-interest.
Yes, intimate love is possible – even in this world of woes. Trust, though, is a foundational component which, when given it’s due priority and openly worked at, can mean the difference between love won and love lost.
Lewicki, Roy J. and Edward C. Tomlinson. “Trust and Trust Building.” Beyond Intractability. Eds. Guy Burgess and Heidi Burgess. Conflict Research Consortium, University of Colorado, Boulder. Posted: December 2003 .
