Low-Stress Wedding Planning
1. BUDGET FOR REALITY
While the Extreme Reality Wedding of the Stars has a certain appeal in this day of wild-eyed marketing plans, it is far from a necessity for the average couple. If you are able to spend $60,000 on a wedding and wish to do so, that’s fine. If you are not, that’s also fine. The high-end wedding has a certain charm, but the hail of bills and the feeling that you are hemorrhaging cash can take the edge off the flower-bedecked designer cake in a sigh.
Begin by assessing your resources. If you are paying for the wedding yourselves, how much can you really afford to set aside? Are you hoping to buy a house in the near future? Do you have car payments? Rent? Child support? Medical bills? Even in the flush of excitement that accompanies the linking of two hearts for eternity, there are financial priorities that must not be ignored. Before you begin scouring the phone book and the web for wedding planners and venues, write down all of your financial facts.
� How much do you actually bring home each month?
� How much do you owe to banks and credit card companies?
� How much, realistically, do you spend on necessities?
� How much do you want to put aside for emergencies?
� How much can your families be reasonably expected to commit to this project?
Be brutal and serious in your assessment. Call all your parents and determine exactly what contributions you may expect from them, and get them-as much as possible-to ante up up front. This is not the time to turn a blind eye to the facts in the hope that love will carry you through. Starting married life in debt is never pretty. Among the primary causes of divorce, money issues rank highest. If you want the marriage to last beyond the mailing of the last thank-you note, don’t begin it with IOU’s. Starting married life with families intent on mayhem due to skyrocketing demands will guarantee misery. Try as much as possible to plan for beginning with a clean slate and a clear conscience.
2. PLAN WITHIN YOUR BUDGET
Depending on your location, the average cost of wedding-related services can vary widely. In the Northeast, it is not unusual for even a modest wedding to top the $20,000 mark very quickly. In the South, that would be considered higher-range. On the West Coast, the numbers may be triple what you would pay anywhere else. As economics would have it, however, incomes generally keep pace with cost of living no matter where you are. We will forget specific numbers, therefore, and talk about how not to get caught in the Extreme Wedding Myth trap.
There are facts that you will probably argue against, but which exist nonetheless:
� If you can find the same or a similar item or service cheaper, do so. No one will notice the difference.
âÂ?¢ The flowers will be lovely-as flowers always are-whether they are imported roses or locally-grown stephanotis and ferns. Unless they are dead and wilting into the salad, no one will notice them beyond a cursory “oh, how pretty!”.
âÂ?¢ It is not an absolute necessity to buy a second bouquet to toss during the reception. The “tossing bouquet” is a recent innovation which benefits the florist more than the bride. Bouquet preservation is also a recent novelty. In ten years you will probably not remember where you put the pricey preserved bouquet (or your toddler will have used it to play bride and it will have lost all resemblance to the original).
âÂ?¢ “Trunk shows” at bridal shops are for the benefit of the designer of the gowns being exhibited. Attend, try on as many gowns as you like, and note the style numbers. You can usually find them cheaper elsewhere.
� Wedding planners can be invaluable if the alternative is bloodshed among family members or between bride and groom. If you think you can work together amiably, forget the planner and make your own arrangements.
� Music and food are very important at a reception. Make sure you have plenty of both. If you are going to splurge on one or the other, opt for the food. Well-fed guests are happy guests. If they drink, provide alchohol.
âÂ?¢ The photographer is an important part of the process. Find a good one, but don’t exceed your budget to do so. If you have a friend who can take decent portraits and someone who can operate a camcorder, you may do just as well to invite them and let them do their best. You can arrange a portrait sitting just before the wedding if you want a formal shot to grace your mantel.
� Many of the things that loom large in your mind as you plan are actually small an unimportant. Try to determine which are necessities and which are frills that you can live without.
âÂ?¢ The guest list is vitally important. Guests make or break a party. Don’t exclude people you love just because of budgetary constraints, and don’t include people you hate just because you feel a debt or responsibility. First invite the people you love, then the ones who make you happy. If there’s room, invite everyone else.
3. KEEP THE BRIDAL PARTY HAPPY
Many brides and grooms labor under the misconception that being asked to join the bridal party is an honor, and that members of the party should be prepared to lay down their lives and their sanity in order to fulfill their assigned jobs. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
Remember that you chose these people because you love them and they are your friends. You wanted to share your joy with them, not reduce them to lackeys and indentured servants. The first time you utter the words “My God! What was my Maid of Honor thinking?!” you will have crossed the line. Your Maid of Honor, your bridesmaids, your Best Man, your ushers all have lives, families, children, jobs and plans of their own. If you make your wedding a rock to be endlessly pushed uphill while they valiantly try to balance their own needs, you may have a lovely day, but you will lose the friends you loved so dearly.
âÂ?¢ No bridesmaid’s dress should cost more than two days’ pay.
� No groomsman should pay more than two days pay for his tux rental.
� No attendant should be required to wear something they find embarrassing or that makes them look like a troll or a mushroom.
� No attendant should be taken to task for forgetting a detail.
� No attendant should be required to invest a large sum of money in a gift, bachelor/bachelorette party, shower, or other silliness just for the sake of convention or whim of the bride and groom.
Remember, this is your wedding, and memorable as it will be, it is only one day in all of your lives. They will have their own special days, or they may already have done so. Do not expect them to obsess over the details of yours as much as you will. Thank them profusely before, during and after the event. Pretend to be happy when they return the favor by inviting you to stand up for them.
4. REMEMBER THAT PARENTS ARE PEOPLE, TOO
In this extravagant, over-marketed day, when many couples want more than their families are willing to pay for, it is not unusual for the bride and groom to foot all or most of the bill for the festivities. The fact that Mom and Dad aren’t signing checks for the caterer or the band doesn’t mean they are to be maligned or mistreated.
“Bridezilla” has been officially inducted into current folklore. The image, while humorous, is not pleasant. The overly-demanding bride and groom drain their friends and families of the will to be supportive. Remember: your parents gave birth to you, raised you, and paid for your braces and your first bike. You may be forty-seven, but they still see you as their children. While you are racing headlong towards your future with tiny hearts puffing around you and violins in the background, they may be facing a loss that you cannot yet understand. You are moving towards something and taking something away from them as you do so. It’s difficult while you’re caught up in the excitement of the changes you’re making to be sensitive to the impact those changes will have on everyone around you. Try. It’s worth the effort.
� Sometime before the wedding, plan a quiet evening with family.
� Avoid bringing up The Wedding in every conversation.
� Listen carefully, and find out if there are other things going on within the family that you should be sensitive to.
� Be cooperative.
� Remember that your parents are not your maids, your chauffeurs, or your bank.
� If you are overwhelmed by the details, ask for help. Parents want to be included, not enslaved.
� Share the good times as well as the frustrations. When something goes well, celebrate with the people who helped that happen.
� Say goodbye gently.
5. A WEDDING IS FOR A DAY; A MARRIAGE IS FOREVER
Too often brides and grooms over-focus on the specifics of the five or six hours that will be their wedding day. Try not to lose sight of the fact that while you are planning a wedding, you should also be planning a life. Take time from the confusion and stress of buying dresses and listening to bands to talk about your future together.
A psychologist once said that many marriages fail today because the bride and groom are so busy working on a fantasy wedding that they forget there’s a real life to follow. Take time to talk over the important things.
� Where do you hope to be financially in five years? In ten? How will you get there? The lottery is not a good answer.
� Do you both want children? Who will take care of them?
� Are you both on a career track, or is one of you less goal-oriented than the other?
� How do you feel about religion and other spiritual issues?
âÂ?¢ Do you get along with each other’s families? Is there a way to improve that relationship before the wedding?
âÂ?¢ Are you marrying because you can’t imagine life without each other, because all your friends or siblings are already married, or because you’ve always wanted to wear a pouffy white dress or a cutaway tux?
� Where will you live?
âÂ?¢ What will you do about aging family members? Your own educations or your children’s? Your pets, your friends, your hobbies?
You will spend as much as two years planning your wedding, or as little as a few days. You will pump an amazing amount of money out of your life’s savings and that of your family members in a remarkably short period of time. The $30,000 that seemed ridiculous to spend on a new car will disappear with little fanfare on a one night stand for a band, a caterer, and a photographer. Proportions will be stretched and boundaries made hazy. You will say things you never thought you’d say, hurt people you never meant to hurt, and be a source of amusement and amazement to all around you. In the end, however, it won’t be the tiara or lack thereof that will make or break the rest of your life. If the band left out a song on your list, no one will be the wiser. If the limo driver is ten minutes late, the world won’t come crashing to a halt.
Perhaps the best thing that can be said for weddings is that, like childbirth, the moment eclipses everything that went before. Our memories for pain are blessedly short. The best plans in the world can still go awry, but the breathtaking beauty of a radiant bride in any kind of dress and the smile on the face of a loving groom can make up for lost reservations and questionable canap�©s. Plan fun things for the reception, and the guests will do the rest. Plan fun things for your future, and you will never regret that long, stressful pre-wedding stretch.
