Marriage Communication Do’s and Don’ts
Lack of Unity – Divide and Conquer
After the wedding, romantic notions of absolute unity soon run smack dab into the brick wall of annoying habits and disparate thinking patterns. Unity begins with like thinking, which begins with satisfying conversation, which happens in an atmosphere of love, acceptance and open-mindedness. Bottom line – no put-downs, plenty of sincere praise when called for and vocalizing your appreciation for all the things your spouse does for you. Also, being willing to admit it when you’ve made a mistake, will go a long way to reassuring your partner that you don’t expect perfection from him/her, either. Gradually, your understanding of each other will expand beyond the larger issues of faith and family to include things like individual habits and needs. Create as many areas of commonality between you as you can so that you can spend more time talking and sharing.
Anger – Cheap Shots In The Dark
Bang! A couple of words fired off in anger and communication is just another lifeless body in the library. Anger wants you to believe that yelling will help you to get your point across but sharp tongues at ten paces only shred what’s left of loving feelings and replaces them with a spirit of competition that’s not useful in solving problems. Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and never assume the worst before you have all of the facts. There is a way to make a connection between the male “if I ignore it, it will go away” and the female “but I need to talk now!”
When you’ve reached an impasse with your mate, the only way to move past it is for one of you to be willing to be the first to say, “I’m sorry, I blew it. That will make an opening for your partner to apologize, as well. Once you’re all kissy-kissy again, you can put your heads together to come up with calmer, non-threatening ways to solve the problem de jour.
Nagging – The Mouth Trap
“Well, why can’t you do it now?” she whines. “Because!” comes the curt reply from him.” “That’s not an answer!” “Oh, leave me alone, can’t ya!”
Nagging, especially by those we love, is not a trial many of us will suffer with grace. It’s poison to true communication because it assumes that your mate doesn’t know what needs to be done, won’t do something unless you are forceful and persistent and that they can be manipulated with impunity. This latter point is the most dangerous concept of all because people tend to distance themselves from those who continually harass them, which is never ideal in a marriage situation.
Take into account the fact that some guys are more at home behind a computer keyboard than behind a carpenter’s bench. Maybe he’d be more comfortable taking care of paying the bills, rather than installing shelves. Maybe she’s more into installing shelves than cooking. Approach the subject of a ‘to do list’ after you’ve both had a chance to unwind from a busy day and then make suggestions, rather than demands. Try to divide up household chores and projects evenly and according to who does what best. You may never achieve perfection but, if you avoid hounding your partner, you will have him/her right beside you when you need them the most.
Lack of Tact – Mouth Trap, The Sequel
Criticism kills conversation quicker than you can say, “What were you thinking?” Often, the first thing tripping off of the tongue should be swallowed, rather than allowed to escape our mouths. Instead of, “Holy cow! How could you be so stupid?” How about “Oh, bummer. What do you want for dinner?” The first reaction slams the door of communication right in your mate’s face and their response would be to become unavailable both physically and emotionally for at least the rest of the evening and probably longer. The second response is forgiving, therefore making it possible to talk about your hectic day or to simply cuddle on the couch and watch TV.
We are all liable to make wrong choices say and do the wrong things or miss opportunities from time to time. Couples need to find the positive traits in each other, concentrate on them and downplay minor mistakes as unimportant by comparison.
Insisting On Your Own Way – Investigating Motives
Selfishness is a demanding, manipulative character trait that’s only business is to insist, at all cost, on its own way. When you think about it, our society is a competitive one. We compete for jobs, for recognition and we compete in sports. But marriage isn’t a football game or a corporate boardroom. It shouldn’t be a contest where one of you wins and the other loses. Work together as a team to resolve problems. That way, you both win.
One-sided thinking has no place in a marriage. When we vow to live “as one”, that entails more than just the fun stuff. It also means sharing our space, sacrificing some of our old habits and making an effort to develop new ones that fit comfortably within the marriage relationship.
Denouement
During the first tricky years together, it would be easy to descend into a dark and stormy marriage. But diligent investigation of the facts show that it doesn’t have to be that way. You can become two individuals of one mind. You can learn to understand one another. You can talk effectively.
