Married and Bored: Jedi Sexual Procrastination
But you keep trying, knowing that you just have to break it off before you sleep. To your slow petting you add soft words of seduction, such as, “Damn woman, it’s been a long dayâÂ?¦and I’m feeling long.” Facing away from you, she rolls her eyes and giggles. Hearing laughter, you grow excited, hoping that you have struck a lusty chord in her; you imagine you are already playing her chords on the two-stringed banjo. You double your efforts and grow madly aroused, like a Dot Com Internet stock, rising, rising, rising, almost euphoric.
Until she says, “Not tonight baby, I have to get up really early.”
Then the crash and burn begins. The Internet stock plummets and, mixing all metaphors, your penis files for Chapter 11 bankruptcy.
Rather than insist further, you go into a trance and say, “Ok, honey. Maybe tomorrow.” Then you roll over and go to sleep, while wilting and sucking your thumb.
Truly, your wife is like a Jedi knight. She continually finds ways to direct your activity while you are completely oblivious to it. Nearly every night she can turn you off like you were a simple-minded Stormtrooper. In fact, to illustrate the effectiveness of your wife’s mind control, compare this dialogue from the original Star Wars movie to an average night at your house.
Stormtrooper: Let me see your identification (breasts).
Obi-Wan: [influencing the stormtrooper’s mind] You don’t need to see my identification (breasts).
Stormtrooper: I don’t need to see your identification (breasts).
Obi-Wan: These aren’t the droids (breasts) you’re looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren’t the droids (breasts) I’m looking for.
Obi-Wan: Move along (get off me already, you filthy animal).
Stormtrooper: Move along… move along (slinking away).
You’ve always been a Stormtrooper though, and the longer the relationship lasts the more power she gains in mind control. By the fifty year anniversary, she has the skills of Darth Vader and you fall just shy of a trollish Ewok.
Strangely enough, she does not use this potentially world-changing power for world peace or solving hunger. She uses her powers for Sexual Procrastination. We have all heard of the wife “having a headache,” but over time as a husband you will hear myriad excuses far more creative than the traditional platitudes about headaches. Each time you will act like the Stormtrooper and relent. You should at least be aware of some of the techniques she will use to Sexually Procrastinate. Here are a few:
“In the morning”:This comment can be heard in bedrooms across the world, leaving men thinking the sex is to be had the very next morning. Like a lawyer, your wife has shrewdly worded this phrase to be vague enough to be interpreted in many different ways. Which morning? Tomorrow morning? A week from now? Yesterday morning? Did she mean “in mourning,” like at my funeral?
Master of Allusion: She says, “I don’t feel well tonight, but you just wait until I do feel better, then I’ll put it on you.” She winks, you wink back at her with a toothy grin, believing that in the very near future you will be rode like Seabiscuit. She is alluding to sex, of course. Right? She must be making an indirect reference to the well-known activity of intercourse. Allusions can be construed very differently by different listeners. After two months of waiting, you will find out that she was actually alluding to plain Christian procreation pump and dump sex; straight-up missionary sex. No frills, no change of position, no butt-plugs, French ticklers, no mutual orgasms. She was alluding to a touch-and-go landing.
No way, period! : She can be a regular Paul Revere when she tells you “The Redcoats are coming!” While you are willing to brave the monthly flush of her feminine parts and go forward with the sex, she sees it as a deterrent because it may mean having to wash the sheets.
Purposeful absentmindedness: One night she will use the excuse, “I think I forgot to take my pill.” This will seem unusual to you since she has an incorruptible database in her head of everything you have done since 1993.
Last night was too much for her: She boosts your ego in order to steer you off. You think you must be huge in the pants. Suddenly you start to think of yourself as Peter North starring in “Monsters of Cock.” You really tore her up last night, you dawg! Now, do you really believe that?
In the matrimonial bed you will hear many, many remarks made for the purpose of sexual procrastination. From finishing her TV show to freshly painted toenails to “I pooped this afternoon,” you will hear it all. The good news is that at some point in the future, after much procrastinating, she will want sex. Her urges come and go like passing ships in the night. When she is ready for sex she will expect a top performance from you, which you will not be able to give because you have been so long without sex. She will then commiserate with her girlfriends about your bad performance. Soon after that she will find another man, younger and better looking than you, and she will bang him like a tin drum wherever and whenever he asks for sex. You will never know it’s happening because you don’t pay attention. Don’t worry – it’s best not to know.
High and dry,
Married-n-Bored
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