Mega Man X Command Mission: Supercondensed

We BEGIN with, X, Zero, and newcomer SHADOW checking out some ruins, looking for BAD GUYS.

Shadow: I’m not a playable character, I have Ying-Yang symbols all over me, and I’m named “Shadow.” If that doesn’t telegraph “betrayal,” I don’t know what does.

Zero: ….What’s a “Telegraph?”

Upon exploration, they find many open HIBERNATION CAPSULES or FUTURISTIC LAZ-E-BOY CHAIRS or SOMETHING. Evil is AFOOT, AT HAND, or some other IMPLICATING BODY PART.

Epsilon: Direct all your body part jokes to our resident Dominatrix over there, P.O. Box 24452-009, Fresno, California.

Fehram: WHY are our creators such PERVERTS? ‘sweatdrop’

The three meet Epsilon and his gang, and Shadow pulls a BENEDICT ARNOLD and launches Zero into the STRATOSPHERE.

Zero: ‘flying through the air at high velocity Ranma-style’ I REFUSE to degrade myself by flapping my arms and saying “I think I can” over and over.

X: Ah, the contrived “separate the popular guy from the rest of the party to keep him cool” phenomenon, a staple of all RPGs. Capcom did their homework.

X escapes by the SKIN OF HIS WIRING. He wakes up in the CENTRAL FLOATING REPLOID CITY called… uh…. CENTRAL CITY.

X: ‘rolls eyes’ REAL creative, here.

Epsilon’s WEAKEST CRONY happens to be present, trying to TAKE CONTROL of the city for NO REAL REASON. X meets a bunch of new faces. PROFESSOR X- no, I’m sorry, AILE sacrifices himself. SPIDER TEH BOUNTY HUNTER shows up and everyone goes “DUDE, screw Zero, this character KICKS ASS! New Favorite!”

Zero: ‘still flying through the air, sarcastic’ …Like “Spider” is really a cool name. Pssh. The minute I come back, all the fangirls will flock to me, you’ll see.

X: Wanna put money on it?

Zero: Damn straight. As soon as I land, I’m hitting an ATM.

Spider: Or you’ll hit an ATM upon landing, one or the other.

Zero: Gah, curse you and your cool-sounding, aloof-yet-kind-of-caring dialogue!!!

With Spider’s help, WILD JANGO is BEATEN, and presumably THROWN OFF THE SIDE OF THE CITY, since BLOWING UP doesn’t necessarily mean DEATH in the MMX series. Now FREE to do WHATEVER, X decides on servitude once more and agrees to help R, the wierdest allusion to John Cleese EVER.

R: Of course, I’m named after his character in in the Bond flicks and I have a dead parrot on my shoulder.

Parrot: ‘weakly’ …I’m not dead!

R: Quiet, you. You are an Ex-Parrot, mind you.

X and Spider head to the Tienna Camp. They assimilate MASSIMO into the party, save NANA the HOTTEST MMX CHICK EVAH, and beat up SILVER HORN simply because they HAVE to beat someone at the end of the level.

Alia: Wait, back up. Did you just say that pink-haired harlot was the “hottest evah?!” That’s MY title!!!

Nana: Silly headset girl, hasn’t the recent crop of T&A games taught you anything? Pink hair plus boobs equals sales.

With Nana back, the trio are sent to pick up Dr. Guadile, a platapi scientist who apparently had rummaged through DR. OCTOPUS’S CLOSET. However, ANOTHER EPSILON CRONY wants Guadile’s stuff, and so, FIGHTING ENSUES. Along the way, MARINO THE GENERIC THIEF and CINNAMON THE FORCE METAL GENERATOR/WHITE MAGE get involved. Dr. Psyche is SMISHED, and Guadile decides to help the GROWING GROUP.

Guadile: Because I’m a quack. …Get it, “Quack?” ….Anybody? ‘crickets chirp’ ……Hello?

After learning about FORCE METAL and its PSUEDO-MAGICAL properties, the party hears RUMORS about ZERO, who apparently has LANDED in a factory somewhere.

Zero: And not an ATM to be found.

X: ‘feigns looking around’ …Hmm, no fangirls YET. What was that word you used, “Flock?” Well, I’m no expert, but I’m not seeing any flocks of anything. Are you seeing any flocks? ‘Cause I’m not seeing any flocks.

Zero: Flock you.

The group decides Zero is more important that anything Epsilon might be doing and attempt to track down the Crimson Ass-Kicker. What they find is another EPSILON CRONY, DEAD BODIES, and AXL.

X: ‘under his breath’ Too bad Axl wasn’t AMONG the dead bodies….

Axl: Whutwuzzat?!

X: I said Connie Chung has Rabies.

Axl: ‘thinks’ …..Oh. Yeah, I heard about that. Barbara Walters had it coming. Too bad about her face, though. Ouch.

With Axl, they find ZERO, and all together they TROUNCE MACH JENTRA. However, Zero, the puss that he is, whines and cries about how he can’t trust anyone since his dear, dear friend Shadow, whom he knew all of two minutes, betrayed him, and that the cool guy, the big lug, the dollar-store thief, and the little girl with puppy-dog innocence were all liable to turn their backs on him and go evil. Nothing is mentioned about the dopey kid, but implication is enough.

Axl: HEY! I am NOT a KID!

Zero RUNS OFF. The group shrugs their collective shoulders and head to the next logical place, a MINE. DESPITE his whining about TRUST all of EIGHT MINUTES AGO, Zero REJOINS the group to fight SHADOW, who mumbles something about SUPRA-FORCE METAL.

Cinnamon: Important plot device at work! ‘mimics the sound of a siren, and badly’ WHIIIIIR-WHIIIR WHIIIR-WHIIIR, BONK BONK BONK BOOONK!!!!!

Shadow: ‘facethwap’ D’OH! I can’t BELIEVE I was so dumb to reveal something that should be such a MASSIVE SECRET in the VIEN ARROGANCE of believing that it WOULDN’T MATTER because THEY WOULD DIE!!!! How, HOW could I have fallen victim to to conventional Hollywood standards so EASILY?!?!?! ‘bawls’

Zero: Dude, chill. It’s okay. …Now hold still a minute.

Shadow: Muh…?

KERBLAMMOCARDGOBOOMSLASHPOWKERCHACKAKAKABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!

Shadow, despite having a bit of Supra-force Metal, suffers through those sound effects above and as a result, is now TOAST. Spider is INJURED saving ZERO. Zero gets all wishy-washy and agrees to join the party for GOOD. However, shortly after smearing INCENTAS, to escape from CERTAIN DOOM Spider SACRIFICES HIMSELF NOBLY FOR THE GOOD OF REPLOIDKIND. Every fan of Spider threatens Capcom for killing off the coolest character in the game. Fangirls, by default, flock back to Zero in mourning.

Zero: Pay up.

X: ‘hands over a twenty’ …Damn you and all you represent.

Because moments of reflection, introspection, and characterization are naughty things in the MMX series, the scoobies sigh, give a moment of silence, and trek off to a FLOATING DESERT. Exactly WHY anyone would want to REPLICATE a DESERT and put it in the AIR is ANYONE’S GUESS.

Marino: That’s Capcom for ya. Incredibly stupid logic resulting in a cool-looking locale.

Cinnamon: Marino, why is every place in our world floating in the air?

Marino: Um…. Because the Morlocks will get us?

Cain: ‘from way down below’ We’re HUMANS, dammit, HUMANS!!!

Axl: Hu-what?

Zero: Man, I thought those things died out a long time ago.

X: Um… If that’s the case, maybe we should stop dumping our trash down there.

Cain: I’M STANDING ON WILD JANGO, AND HE’S STARTING TO SMELL LIKE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD CHEESE AND ALMONDS!!!!

The group explores again, and they fight BOTOS THE TEXAN WHO LOOKS OUT ONLY FOR HIMSELF (Apply analogies if possible.) After defeat, Botos runs off, relinquishing a piece of Supra-force metal. The group returns to base. As the OBVIOUS NAME RULE implies, SFM is superpowerful force metal, and apparently, Epsilon has a LOT of it. The troup finds their way to a missile silo, and halt Fehram from launching a the SFM bomb, which doesn’t really make SENSE, since it apparently took a LOT of effort to produce that much and any old bomb would be just about as destructive anyway.

Fehram: Destruction of resources, wave of the future!!!

Epsilon: Or the present.

Zero: The past, too.

X: ‘sigh’ We waste things. Sue us.

Cain: ‘from far below again’ I THINK I WILL!!!

Zero: Dude, caps lock. Lay off it.

Anyway, Botos reappears and, being the bastard that his is, RIPS FEHRAM’S KEY TO THE WARHEAD RIGHT OUTTA HER BODY. He leaves her to die and collects the Supra-force-metal for himself, but is MYSTERIOUSLY KILLED by a MYSTERIOUS FIGURE. The group find Fehram, almost dead, shrug, and leave her to die too.

Epsilon: And you thought *I* was a bastard.

The scoobies find the remains of Botos and the SFM missing. They shrug again and leave empty-handed. When they return, another CRONY by the name of SCARFACE barges in and demands a fight. Apparently, leaving his girlfriend to die was DISHONORABLE.

Scarface: Fehram is NOT my girlfriend. She’s my comrade. There’s a difference.

Zero: Just for clarification, “Comrade” means “chick I’ve been trying to hook up with but she only thinks of me as a friend.”

Scarface: Exactly.

The group defeats Scarface, and track down Epsilon. Even with SFM, Epsilon is handed his own ASS on a SILVER PLATTER.

Epsilon: Geez, maybe Supra-force metal isn’t what it’s cracked up to be. I mean, for cryin’ out loud, a LITTLE GIRL helped beat me!

Cinnamon: Tee hee, oh Uncle Epsilon, you’re so funny!

Epsilon: ‘has a migrane, rubs his head’ …Is asking for your own country just too much, or am I missing something?

Redips, the Hunters’ ORIGINAL COMMANDER, shows up and congratulates the party on their victory. After a minor celebration, Redips channels KEFKA and turns WHACKO, ATTACKING THE HEROES and declaring them ENEMIES OF THE STATE. R is KILLED, stuff BLOWS UP, and the SCOOBIES ESCAPE AND REGROUP.

X: Well gee, THIS is an interesting little wrinkle.

The group goes after Redips, who, of course, has taken root in SPACE.

Redips: What? It’s tradition for MMX games to end up here.

After a quick bout with him, Redips points out that they should’ve PAID ATTENTION to the REVERSABLE NAME RULE, and HE WAS SPIDER THE WHOLE TIME.

Zero: Waitaminute. That doesn’t make sense either. If he were really our enemy, then why did he save me from certain doom earlier? He could of just stood there and claimed not to see it coming.

X: Let’s just stop asking “why” and applying logic already. It’s making my brain hurt.

Zero: ‘nods’ Agreed.

Redips, with the help of the Supra-Force Metal he “obtained” from Botos, morphs into GREAT REDIPS and “BWAH HAH HAAAs” a lot. With a little assistance from the not-quite-dead Fehram, the hunters THAWP HIM GOOD ANYWAY. Redips brings up some good arguments after his defeat, the hunters scoff at him, and Redips PROBABLY dies.

Redips: Tell.. Petunia…. I loved her…. cans…..

Massimo: Uh, yeah, we’ll look into that.

Fehram grabs the last of the Supra-force metal, carries it out into open space, and self-destructs with it to end the fighting.

Axl: Which ALSO doesn’t make sense, because it’s still possible to make more.

Zero: I thought we agreed not to bring logic back into this.

FEHRAM’S FIREWORKS light up the SKY. Nana watches it as the group’s ESCAPE POD cruises down and SPLASH-LANDS into the MIDDLE OF AN OCEAN.

Axl: Uh-oh.

Zero: What?

X: ‘wide-eyed’ THE MORLOCKS ARE COMING, AND THEY HAVE LAWSUITS! SWIM, YOU FOOLS, SWIM FOR WHAT PASSES FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!

Cain: THERE THEY ARE!!! GET ‘EM!!!! ‘chase scene ensues’

Sigma: ‘watching from a beach not too far away’ Man, am I glad I used my vacation time when I had the chance. ‘sips a drink with an umbrella in it, continues reading Machiavelli’

~END