Men and Housework: We Can’t Clean What We Can’t See
A scientific study published in this month’s Journal of Marriage and Family on who does the housecleaning in America (yes, someone does study this stuff) shows that women still do the majority (61%) of the work around the old homestead. Men were found to do 39%, which is better than what women estimated, but less than men thought they did.
Is anyone surprised at this? The baby-boom born battle over chores that started decades ago when women embraced careers as well as family, is still brewing, and still irritating millions of (mostly) women out there. Men get irritated too, but mostly because they don’t feel they get enough credit…for what they don’t do.
The truth of the matter is, there are a lot of us out there, myself included, that don’t do nearly 39%. Yes, this is unfair, and we feel awful about it. At least most of us do. It doesn’t matter that this has been going on for generations now, with only incremental progress being made by the younger couples. Equality is equality, and it’s past time for men to listen, learn, and stop congratulating themselves for taking the garbage out twice a week.
So, the following tips are for men. It will help you START to help. Women, you may want to cut these out and put them on the refrigerator as a reminder. We need lots of reminding. Like a stint in rehab, you can almost expect relapses for a while. After all, you’re teaching some pretty old dogs new tricks.
In any case, here’s what I learned about housecleaning, from observing, and interviewing… a woman.
1. Assume it’s dirty.
Most men don’t see dirt. Blame it on your mother or your DNA, or whatever you want, but the sad fact is that you can both look at the same carpet, or countertop or kitchen floor and you will inevitably see two different things. In general, we don’t see half of what needs to be done. They do. So don’t stand around complaining that you can’t clean what you can’t see (which is true, of course. I’ve used that one many times). Assume it’s dirty, and get busy.
2. Claim some jobs.
Things will be much less confusing around the house, and much more equal, if you claim some specific duties. If you can’t see dirt and you scrub the floor that she just scrubbed you’ll get an A for effort, but this will get old fast. Doing the sweeping, laundry and grocery shopping is a good start, for example. I’d stay away from the dusting, since you can’t see dust.
3. Read the directions.
Amazingly enough, dish-washing detergents and cleaning fluids of all kinds have directions on them. These are very helpful, and you won’t be constantly negating your effort to help by nagging your wife with stupid questions. “Honey, how much of this stuff do I put in again?”
4. Turn off the game, and concentrate.
Whether it’s Sports Center, the Game of the Week or the game you’ve been waiting for, turn off the distractions while you work. You can’t train yourself to do anything new well if your attention is divided. Household tasks are mundane, true, but not if you’re learning how to do them right for the first time. Later, if your work has received approval several times, you may graduate to music in the background or something, but keep the game off fellas.
5. Do the job, then shut up about it.
Nothing can spoil the effort to help more often and effectively, than to brag about it. I learned this the hard way guys. Don’t ever imply to her, or (especially) in mixed company, that you are “doing your share.” You are a dead man if you do. You must remember that you are Housework Handicapped. You are “Sanitarily Challenged.” You will never be as good as She, or able to see the whole picture that She sees. It will never be a 50-50 deal. It’s not in the cards, for most of us.
Our job is to, humbly, try to sneak up to somewhere in the 40% level. That would mean a lot more than you think.
But don’t tell her about that goal either.
Good luck men.
Is anyone surprised at this? The baby-boom born battle over chores that started decades ago when women embraced careers as well as family, is still brewing, and still irritating millions of (mostly) women out there. Men get irritated too, but mostly because they don’t feel they get enough credit…for what they don’t do.
The truth of the matter is, there are a lot of us out there, myself included, that don’t do nearly 39%. Yes, this is unfair, and we feel awful about it. At least most of us do. It doesn’t matter that this has been going on for generations now, with only incremental progress being made by the younger couples. Equality is equality, and it’s past time for men to listen, learn, and stop congratulating themselves for taking the garbage out twice a week.
So, the following tips are for men. It will help you START to help. Women, you may want to cut these out and put them on the refrigerator as a reminder. We need lots of reminding. Like a stint in rehab, you can almost expect relapses for a while. After all, you’re teaching some pretty old dogs new tricks.
In any case, here’s what I learned about housecleaning, from observing, and interviewing… a woman.
1. Assume it’s dirty.
Most men don’t see dirt. Blame it on your mother or your DNA, or whatever you want, but the sad fact is that you can both look at the same carpet, or countertop or kitchen floor and you will inevitably see two different things. In general, we don’t see half of what needs to be done. They do. So don’t stand around complaining that you can’t clean what you can’t see (which is true, of course. I’ve used that one many times). Assume it’s dirty, and get busy.
2. Claim some jobs.
Things will be much less confusing around the house, and much more equal, if you claim some specific duties. If you can’t see dirt and you scrub the floor that she just scrubbed you’ll get an A for effort, but this will get old fast. Doing the sweeping, laundry and grocery shopping is a good start, for example. I’d stay away from the dusting, since you can’t see dust.
3. Read the directions.
Amazingly enough, dish-washing detergents and cleaning fluids of all kinds have directions on them. These are very helpful, and you won’t be constantly negating your effort to help by nagging your wife with stupid questions. “Honey, how much of this stuff do I put in again?”
4. Turn off the game, and concentrate.
Whether it’s Sports Center, the Game of the Week or the game you’ve been waiting for, turn off the distractions while you work. You can’t train yourself to do anything new well if your attention is divided. Household tasks are mundane, true, but not if you’re learning how to do them right for the first time. Later, if your work has received approval several times, you may graduate to music in the background or something, but keep the game off fellas.
5. Do the job, then shut up about it.
Nothing can spoil the effort to help more often and effectively, than to brag about it. I learned this the hard way guys. Don’t ever imply to her, or (especially) in mixed company, that you are “doing your share.” You are a dead man if you do. You must remember that you are Housework Handicapped. You are “Sanitarily Challenged.” You will never be as good as She, or able to see the whole picture that She sees. It will never be a 50-50 deal. It’s not in the cards, for most of us.
Our job is to, humbly, try to sneak up to somewhere in the 40% level. That would mean a lot more than you think.
But don’t tell her about that goal either.
Good luck men.
