Metallica: Master of Puppets Indeed

I really fucking hate Metallica. What the hell is their deal anyway? Have you ever seen such a contemptible 180? What, it’s not enough that they are making some of the worst music in rock today; do they really need to keep pissing on all the fans in the name of their pathetically inflated bank accounts? Because whatever you think about Metallica and their music, this much is true: they are born out of a greedy, artless pretense, the same kind of ignominious shit that birthed the American Idol franchise.

Objectively speaking, their early work is tremendous and should be considered as such, but their recent exploits (everything post Black Album) are as disgusting as any governmental, Hurricane Katrina fuck-up. From the crap they’ve littered modern rock radio with to their debauched attitude toward their fans and their “art,” you almost wish they rest of them (at least Lars) was crushed by the tour bus that killed original bassist Cliff Burton in 1986.

“Wow, that’s harsh,” you say. Maybe, but I get pissed off when I talk about Metallica because the attitude they’ve portrayed over recent years goes against everything rock n’ roll stands for. And plus, “St. Anger” is just unforgivable. The drum sound on that album sums up everything Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich has done and said over the previous five years: It is earsplitting noise, a metallic clanking that reminds me of the erroneous voice of the blabbermouth man himself.

The story starts, of course, with Napster and that dopey little kid who Metallica so vehemently and personally attacked. Metallica had spent over a decade building up a reputation as pioneering combatants of the status quo only to bail at the very mention of a technology that would cut into their multi-million dollar checks. When the file-sharing networks began to shutdown and the ITunes revolution began, Metallica didn’t want to comprise the “art” of their million-dollar enterprise by allowing their songs to be downloaded individually.

That sentiment didn’t last long however because if Metallica has taught us anything over the past couple of years it’s this: the bottom line trumps everything. Like Big Oil and Big Tobacco, Big Metallica saw the dollar signs flicker in their pea sized brains when they really thought about the potential of their prospective online catalogue. As of a few weeks Metallica had officially come full circle and their music was available for download.

Needless to say, if you are true rock n’ roll fan you will burn all your Metallica records and never give a penny to that heartless band for the rest of your life.