Miami Vice, Michael Mann and My Thoughts on Movie Reviews
Anyway, when I first heard they were making a movie out of the 80’s, Don Johnson TV series Miami Vice, I was completely shocked to say the least. The fact of the matter is that a film version of Miami Vice is even more ludicrous and unnecessary than the wretched rehashing that was 2005’s The Dukes of Hazzard. And as far as I know Jessica Simpson will not be wearing any daisy dukes in this movie.
Now I’m sure there will be plenty of other scantily clad women in Miami Vice, as well as some thrilling action sequences. Need I remind anyone of the kitschy television series? With all its pastel suits, cheesy boat chases and, well, Don Johnson, Miami Vice wasn’t exactly Twin Peaks. I guess what I’m saying is that I hope to God they offered Phillip Michael Thomas a cameo in the film version. I mean, shit, somebody’s gotta throw Tubbs a bone.
What’s far more shocking than the fact that a studio actually decided to back this wacky idea, is that the much respected Michael Mann signed on to direct it. From the producer’s point of view, this was like hitting the lottery. They had a stupid treatment (see “Pirates of the Caribbean”), a hip cast (Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell) and a respected director.
I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why Michael Mann is directing this slop? Now, don’t get me wrong, Miami Vice might be the best of the movie of the year. But I’m not going to see it. It looks as stupid as the television show which, in other words, is too stupid for my $9. Do you know how many Associated Content articles I’d have to write to earn that? Yeah, like two. Fuck that.
Michael Mann directed Heat, Last of the Mohicans, The Insider and Manhunter, some damn good movies. I hope he didn’t sell his soul for a huge payday. I’m sure he wasn’t hurting for money. Actually, in reality, the downside of this venture from hid point of view is huge. If Miami Vice is a flop, Mann might never get the backing to do a good project for the rest of his life. Luckily, he’s got Jamie Foxx and Colin Farrell, and the reviews of have been okay, so he’s probably not sweating it.
That also brings me to my last point: movie reviews and the people who read them. I don’t read reviews of movies I’m planning to see. Why would anyone do this? Do you really want some hack critic revealing major plot points of a film you were really jazzed to see. Now, because I’m the kind of guy who uses jazz as a verb meaning excited, I don’t expect you to take anything I say seriously, but come on.
With that said, don’t go see Miami Vice. I’ll tell you how it ends. The alligator eats Tubbs and Sonny gets the girl. See, I could be a film critic.
