Movies They Should Make
I hooked up my computer for the first time since I left college a few days ago, and was immediately greeted with an old friend. Lionhead Studios and Activision’s PC game The Movies. Promising myself to not get carried away with yet another scandalous video game love affair, I promised myself that I’d only play the game for an hour before calling it quits.
Anyway, three days later I realized that I should probably leave my room to make sure the real world was still there. Unfortunately, I made it as far as the living room before I got distracted by the sunday comics…. uh, and the rest of the paper. To make a long story short, I saw what movies were playing in real life and realized that I had produced movies with more potential in my little pixelated world than in what exists out here.
I quickly scribbled down a few ideas to share with you all. Why? I have no idea. But if you’re looking for a few movie ideas to produce, knock yourself out. I’d pay double to see these.
Violence in a can– This movie features John Atnikson, your every day run of the mill creamed corn factory worker. John’s life consists of one thing: putting corn into little, marketable cans for the consumers to buy. However, not all is well in the factory, as it is bought out by the Dutch Mafia as a cover for some of their shadier deals.
John has to choose between his American values of staying with the laws or cave in to a deal he can’t refuse by a crime organization that doesn’t speak his language. Tension mounts when John is approached by both his nation and the dutch, persuading him to choose “the right side.”
Of course, John flips out and kills everyone, making sure to package them into neat little consumer-friendly cans to send off to the morgue. Oh, and there are explosions. All good action films have explosions.
Love and Life for Ann Dradkowski– Ahh, the romantic comedy. Ann is your typical plucky girl who falls in love with a guy who refuses to date her because she won’t put out. She embarks on a zany adventure to find a way to make her love notice her at all costs, but what she finds is the love of another. Ann’s life is forever changed when she meets a dark stranger who teaches her the real meaning of LOVE.
The catch? He’s a sasquatch! The rest of the movie is about Ann bringing him home to meet her family, friends, and ex love interest. When her parents refuse to bless them because the gentle creature isn’t Catholic, Sasquatch eats them. Aaah, love.
Samuel L Jackson on a Plane– I know there have been hundreds of parodies about this film since even before it was in the filming stage. However, I think this version has a lot of potential! You can keep the same story of an assassin wanting someone on a plane dead, but instead of him setting loose a bunch of snakes, he sets loose a bunch of tiny samuel L Jacksons to cause havoc on the poor airplane.
See, no one went to the movie to see a bunch of snakes! They went to see Sam. L. J spout a bunch of nonsense and one-liners! Seriously, this movie could sweep the box office on it’s way to the bottom of the garbage can!
Documentaries… with an axe!– Aah, another documentary about the evils of [insert American institution here]. Oh look, here come Michale Moore and Al Gore to tell us how George Bush is punching holes in the ozone with a pencil! It looks like another rather dull documentary… until the film crew that’s following them around breaks out the battleaxes and enough sugar to send a hummingbird into shock.
What would normally be your long, opinionated documentary suddenly becomes a race to get all the information out there before the film crew tracks them down and changes the whole genre. A race to the truth? Now that’s exciting!
Space Adventure!– What’s a list of movies without your obligatory science fiction movie? Hardly a list at all, that’s what!
Anyway, this film would have a vague plot about an evil slaughtering alien death race destroying all life everywhere because they’re communists or something like that. The plot’s not important. What is, though, is that you cast as many beautiful women in it as possible and dress them up in the traditional sci-fi garb… which, as you all know isn’t much.
Then have them leap about with “scanners” and “lazer cannons”, all the while spouting highly advanced jargon that no one can interpret. Honestly, at the end of the movie no one will have any clue what happened, but they’ll definately feel like they got their money’s worth.
Corporate American Man– This drama film will win a lot of awards. Especially if you cast Tom Hanks in it. Anyway, this is a film meant to look at the hideous underside of corporate America. It feature’s Joe Everysman, a local buisnessman who feels that he has lost something to someone of something. Being vague in these movies definately wins awards.
Anyway, the whole film is him moping around, trying to figure out what’s missing from his life and what became of his beautiful family that vanished in a horrific buisness venture. A two-by-four to the face reveals the shocking truth! He married himself!! He lost his soul to Corporate America! His dog is actually a fish that’s been dead for three years! His house doesn’t have the mortgage paid off on it yet! Noooooooo!
The movie ends with Joe eating a twinkie. What? I like happy endings.
If the Shoe fits– This animated classic will delight children all over the globe. Made completely with computers, the film will be so realistic that everyone will wonder why no one thought to just use real people and places and things.
Little Timmy is a shoeless orphan who one say saves a nice little green midget from a bear trap. The green midget gives him magic shoes to show his gratitude and then hops off on his merry way. When Little Timmy puts the shoes on, he becomes Hammerman… err… Taller. I mean, he becomes taller.
Eventually, he forms a long lasting friendship with his shoes, despite the fact that they don’t talk, and has a musical number with a large, savage bear featuring the song I’m going to eat your arm.
Well, my notepad is running empty and my head’s on a completely different topic. That’s it for my little movie ideas. I’m going to go grab a mountain dew and head back to playing video games.
See you in the theatres.
