Ms. Triple Six: The Exorcism of Ann Coulter

Stable people view the fundamentalist bile spewing from Ann Coulter’s over-wide goofy grin as so much bee buzzing. Yada yada yada. Verbal spam. However, in an age when killer bees, uh, kill, liberals too often take the aggressive sting of Coulter too seriously. (I was tempted to write “someone “like” Coulter,” until it struck me that there is no one else quite “like” our Annie. In her uniqueness as the loquacious viper of the decade, with Michelle Malkin and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad mere wannabes, one wonders which scum-covered pond in the forest primeval burped out this forked tongued toadess with the string neck and bulging eyes.)

Lord, forgive me. Did I just launch a verbal attack myself, or have I simply crafted a Coulteresque-type tirade disguised as clever banter (AKA sophomoric) in the media world of the twenty-first century? Sad to say, the latter is the case. Happy to say, to my surprise and relief, real people aren’t buying it. Did you know that only a relative handful of people read non-fiction best-sellers and even the highest rated cable news show can’t compete with re-runs of Sponge Bob Square Pants? You might question my assertion that Ann is less important than she thinks. If so, please stick with me as I bolster my point with some anecdotal observations from the heartland of America.

No one would ever profile Indiana, where this writer lives, as a state burdened by effete East Coast liberal college graduates, (e.g. Columbia, which educated Coulter and Harvard, a la mater to Bill O’Reilly). Nope. Indiana is such a red state it used to drain the blood right from my brain. According to the Indiana Fiscal Policy Institute in 1999, Indiana retains nearly 30 percent fewer college graduates than the national average. I often jump to remind people that I’m just passing through (since circa 1970) and that I’m from northern Illinois, which is like being from a different planet, solar system, galaxy even. But, I’ve made peace with the fact that the flowing river of my life hit a snag in the bend and spit me out on the cattail banks of Prairie Creek, Boone County, Indiana. And I’ve come to understand that this state (and country as a whole) is still made up of people who work hard, concentrate on their families and who know b.s. when they hear it, from whatever quarter, regardless of personal politics. Let me tell you a bit about the unscientific demographics of the business where I work.

We have two fervent Christian Fundamentalists who adhere to creationist theory, can tell you how old Adam is and exactly how many thousands of years ago Earth was created. Jonah was in the whale as surely as George Bush fought heroically in the National Guard and they check home frequently to see if anyone is “missing,” as in “taken up in the rapture.” One of them has never heard of Ann Coulter and the other thinks she is a screeching media pig who is roasting herself (along with Rush Limbaugh) by butchering the three primary tenants of the New Testament: (1) Love, (2) Tolerance, (3) The Golden Rule.

Next employee on deck is one of two bosses who is a Father and deacon in the American Orthodox Church. Orthodoxy is quite an interesting little band of devout Christians who adhere to the Bible before it was changed and politicized by the more popular Roman Catholic Church. It has remained quite unchanged and true to itself since the earliest centuries of the Common Era. Although there are elements within the church that are socially tolerant and New Age in regard to mysticism, the church’s stance as pro-life over-rides most issues. My boss is a dedicated follower of James Dodson and Focus on the Family, as well as a two-time Bush supporter. He has no cable TV, reads C.S. Lewis and is, for the most part, oblivious to current events. He is a college graduate. He is more interested in walking the walk of his faith by volunteerism and family church services than he is in listening to someone like Ann Coulter. In short, he is not a maniac.

Rounding out the pack of managers at the office, we have two recovering Fundamentalist Christians who are now praise and worship leaders at a Baptist Church. Both are anti-war and one is a Kerry voter. Sorry Annie. Last up is a Jew who is socially tolerant, but politically conservative and, hence, a Bush supporter. Kind of cute to seem him writhing in anger on the floor when someone mentions Ann Coulter. Maybe his sister, the liberal doctor, twisted his mind.

As the only vocal Liberal around the water-cooler, it took me many months to accept that I was more similar to my co-workers than I was different from them. I attribute my prejudice to my own personal tendency to listen to talk radio and cable news. It was I who had succumbed to the irrational spewing and fear mongering of Ann Coulter and not my legions of conservative friends. They had the sense not to listen. Good choice based on common sense and heart from the heartland.