NBA Amnesty Rule Reactions
I know the NBA is a business, but how does that make it right for teams to sever long-standing relational ties with players? It just doesn’t seem fair. I mean, isn’t this like divorce without all the hassle?
“I pay you money, now get out of my sight forever,” teams are essentially empowered to say. Sounds more like David Stern is running the Mafia than a sporting league. Owners receive significant tax relief while players are out of the job and contract they worked hard to get.
Forget that Allan Houston’s at the doctor’s office more than Becker. We’re talking about the principal of it all!
Although I really could do without seeing my annoying aunt a couple times a year, would I ever pay her off to go find another family?
Never! I don’t have that kind of money!
With this love-hate relationship sticking out like a sore thumb in the NBA right now, I decided it would be only right to interview nine of the amnesty provision’s 18 victims to let their voices be heard. Check it out:
Reggie Miller, Indiana saves $6 million
Me: Reggie, as a Bulls fan, I really don’t like you.
Reggie: Ryne, as a Bulls fan, I really don’t like me either.
Me: But Reggie, how can Indiana fans like you when you’re taking $6 million to sit on the couch all next season?
Reggie: Man, I played 18 years and how many chips have I brought to the fans? They should be paying me more for
better karma.
Michael Finley, Dallas saves $51 million
Me: Fin, dog, my dad went to your high school. You know Proviso East in Maywood, Ill.?
Finley: (laughs). Don’t tease, you’re white.
Me: And you’re black. Honestly, I’m serious about that Fin. And keeping a serious note, does Mark Cuban use a Flowbee?
Finley: Hell yeah! Now that that m*****f***** first tried to trade me and then waived my a**, I’m going to tell the world all about how Cubes cuts his own hair…And I was captain of this team too! B****!
Doug Christie, Orlando saves $8.2 million
Me: Doug, why do you look so angry man?
Doug: Well, to be quite honest and off-the-record about it, for 13 years my wife has had me more whipped than a washed up racehorse before stud service.
Me: Um, well, I was kinda meant angry at Orlando.
Doug: Oh…I’m not angry.
Derek Anderson, Portland saves $19 million
Me: Derek, how’s it feel to be first?
Derek: Yeah, well, it was cool in San Antonio, but I only played there for a year.
Me: I mean how’s it feel to be the first to be waived?
Derek: Man, it’s all about loyalty. If I can’t play on a team that respects its players and its contractual agreements, I’m cool with being first in this case.
Aaron McKie, Philly saves $19.5 million
Me: Aaron, that’s a fat check you’re holding.
Aaron: For sure.
Me: What are you going to do with that fat check?
Aaron: Show it to Shawn Kemp as motivation to get his fat self back playin’.
Brian Grant, Lakers save $29.8 million
Me: B, what’s good?
Brian: Aw, you know, life is always good.
Me: So what team is ahead in the Brian Grant sweepstakes as of right now?
Brian: Man, I really can’t say too much, but I CAN tell you this: you’ll only have to wait as long as my hair for a decision.
Me: Dreadful analogy.
Brian: Uh, yeah, I’m going to the Suns.
Calvin Booth, Milwaukee saves $13 million
Me: Who knows of Calvin Booth?
Calvin: S***, I do.
Me: So how much are teams interested in your services?
Calvin: I didn’t mention anyone else did I?
Jerome Williams, New York saves $21.3 million
Me: JYD, who has more jerseys in their closet: you or Jimmy Jackson?
Jerome: Me.
Me: You lie.
Jerome: No. What do you think I spent that money on?
Ron Mercer, New Jersey saves $1.76 million
Me: Ron, man, I’m sorry.
Ron: I’m sorry too.
Me: What are you sorry for? You just got paid!
Ron: I’m sorry for the Nets. They could’ve waived Vince Carter before he starts throwing games again, AND they would save a lot more money.
Information from The Associated Farce was used in this report.
