NBA Europe to Introduce Murbasketderball in 2007
Sources from the National Baskball Association report that their European buffer league, NBA-Europe, will employ the use of wheelchairs next season. The move corresponds to the NBA’s attempt to make the game more enticing for everyone, not just those freaks born with a pituatary disorder and size 9 men’s feet.
“Basketball, ever since George Mikan arrived on the scene, has been the province of the BIG MAN,” said an NBA lackey. “Meanwhile, 93% of the lay people who play the game are dwarves in comparison.”
The NBA’s decision was made immediately after a bunch of their executives watched the popular cult documentary, “Murderball,” a film depicting the lives of a handful of quarrelsome quadriplegics who competed as Team USA in the 2004 Paralympic competition for wheelchair rugby. The executives were so moved by the film they decided to incorporate the underlying “Murderball” and Paralympic philosophies that “everyone is special” into the official rules for their European buffer league.
“The point is. If the NBA does not change its rules, less and less average-sized kids will chance playing the game because they know there will be no pay-off at the other end,” said another one of the NBA executives, grabbing the microphone away from the other executive. “Meanwhile, some pygmy from the outbacks of Australia won’t thing twice about playing soccer, or rugby, or baseball, because height isn’t the deciding factor relative to having a successful, and lucrative, career.”
“As is, we are finding that the only kids in Europe who are playing hoops in grade school are US Army, Navy, Air Force brats, illegal aliens, emigre’s from the U.S.,” the now-perspiring and slightly agitated executive continued. “And a few kids from Croatia who can’t find any decent pick-up games in the playgrounds in their home country. I’m not saying that Shaq has most to do with this is, but I am saying that the current center for the Miami Heat is 97% responsible for scaring kids away from even thinking about playing hoops.”
The diminutive executive, a 4′ 6″ white guy from Idaho, now frothing at the mouth, could not be stopped.
“All kids see are highlights of NBA superstars sailing two feet over the rim, tomahawking rim-rattling dunk shots,” he barked. “But, the truth is that those of us who fall within the normal percentile height-wise can’t even touch the bottom of the net from the top rung of a step-ladder. So, instead, we turn to soccer, or baseball, or drugs, sometimes pimping, and, on a rare occassion, migrant labor!”
After calming down, the NBA executive added that the remainder of the NBA Europe rules would stay the same except for the implementation of a wider, six-foot hoop that will now stand three feet off the ground.
“Well,” the lackey concluded, revealing the NBA’s other motive: to vanquish all other sports worldwide. “We didn’t want to lose the allure of the dunk shot, and we wanted to make the game more appealing to the blind.”
“Basketball, ever since George Mikan arrived on the scene, has been the province of the BIG MAN,” said an NBA lackey. “Meanwhile, 93% of the lay people who play the game are dwarves in comparison.”
The NBA’s decision was made immediately after a bunch of their executives watched the popular cult documentary, “Murderball,” a film depicting the lives of a handful of quarrelsome quadriplegics who competed as Team USA in the 2004 Paralympic competition for wheelchair rugby. The executives were so moved by the film they decided to incorporate the underlying “Murderball” and Paralympic philosophies that “everyone is special” into the official rules for their European buffer league.
“The point is. If the NBA does not change its rules, less and less average-sized kids will chance playing the game because they know there will be no pay-off at the other end,” said another one of the NBA executives, grabbing the microphone away from the other executive. “Meanwhile, some pygmy from the outbacks of Australia won’t thing twice about playing soccer, or rugby, or baseball, because height isn’t the deciding factor relative to having a successful, and lucrative, career.”
“As is, we are finding that the only kids in Europe who are playing hoops in grade school are US Army, Navy, Air Force brats, illegal aliens, emigre’s from the U.S.,” the now-perspiring and slightly agitated executive continued. “And a few kids from Croatia who can’t find any decent pick-up games in the playgrounds in their home country. I’m not saying that Shaq has most to do with this is, but I am saying that the current center for the Miami Heat is 97% responsible for scaring kids away from even thinking about playing hoops.”
The diminutive executive, a 4′ 6″ white guy from Idaho, now frothing at the mouth, could not be stopped.
“All kids see are highlights of NBA superstars sailing two feet over the rim, tomahawking rim-rattling dunk shots,” he barked. “But, the truth is that those of us who fall within the normal percentile height-wise can’t even touch the bottom of the net from the top rung of a step-ladder. So, instead, we turn to soccer, or baseball, or drugs, sometimes pimping, and, on a rare occassion, migrant labor!”
After calming down, the NBA executive added that the remainder of the NBA Europe rules would stay the same except for the implementation of a wider, six-foot hoop that will now stand three feet off the ground.
“Well,” the lackey concluded, revealing the NBA’s other motive: to vanquish all other sports worldwide. “We didn’t want to lose the allure of the dunk shot, and we wanted to make the game more appealing to the blind.”
