New Jersey Law Update: Live with Full Service Gas or Die

I live in New Jersey; one of just two states in this great nation that does not allow self service at gas stations (Oregon is the other). What does that mean exactly (and I have to ask this; I’ve met plenty of southerners who don’t understand the concept of full service)?

There is an actual law that prohibits New Jersey drivers from pumping their own gas. Gas stations in New Jersey (and Oregon; I’ve never been but my diligent team of researchers tell me they are the other- New Jersey’s celestial sister of the northwest, if you will) have people who we call “gas station attendants”. I don’t want to come off as racist, but most of these people are Hindu or Muslim (only 30% of them are nice; I’m nothing if not a stereotypist [or stereotyper, I guess there isn’t a word for one who stereotypes- I think there should be]). Sometimes, if you catch them on a good day, they will wash your windshield like a bum in New York (I never know if you’re supposed to tip them for this).

All in all, it’s one of the Garden State’s greatest perks.

Or is it?

Some say this law is archaic; others claim it promotes laziness. It’s true that I didn’t pump gasoline until I was 19 years old; and even then I was forced to do it by my college friends in South Carolina. I found myself holding the nozzle of that pump and staring at that confusing machine; they might’ve well as asked to dissemble an atomic bomb.

Senator Gerry Cardinale wants this to stop; he doesn’t want the privileged youths of New Jersey getting laughed at for not knowing how a gas pump works. And before I comment on that; I’d like to first offer some general thoughts on New Jersey Senator Gerry Cardinale.

I had never heard of this man until I watched a snippet of the Daily Show last night on Comedy Central (and I hardly ever watch the Daily Show). This fact is telling for two points. One, if I did (at least) watch the Daily Show I would (at least) have a clue about the most basic political facts; and, secondly, I am a fairly out of touch nincompoop.

But anyway, I totally hate this Cardinale dude. First of all, he sneaks into office without me knowing and then it turns out he’s stupid enough to go on the Daily Show; essentially making a fool out of himself (and the entire state of New Jersey). I mean, why do these political people still agree to go on the Daily Show? It’s been years now; don’t they know it’s fake? It’s one of the most frustrating (albeit fairly amusing) things for me to watch. Don’t these politicians have children, friends or relatives to let them know that the Daily Show is not a news program; that it airs on Comedy Central?

Shit, I’m getting off track. This article was supposed to be about how much I love full service gas; not Senator Cardinale and the Daily Show.

So, like, I really love full service gas. I really hope they don’t pass a bill that would get rid of it. It’s so nice; you just pull up and roll down your window (you can even buy cigarettes). You don’t even have to move. Usually I recline in my car seat and blast some tunes; it’s almost cathartic.

It’s bad enough that New Jersey has some of the country’s highest gas prices; do you really have to make us pump it too. We’ve gone through enough; keeping gas stations full service, shit, it’s the least they could do.

And let me tell you something; if they do pass some bullshit law then I am fucking moving. Fuck that shit; I’m moving to Oregon.