New Life
September 2, 2000
The lead house parent asked Tara at the last minute if she would be willing to have a birth mom with terminal cancer stay in her room with her for a few days so she could place her child for adoption.
How could Tara possibly say no? She’d worry about herself if she did.
Without hesitation Tara agreed and the house parent thanked her profusely.
Tara put a care package together for the birth mom and left her a note to welcome her in case she wasn’t in the room when she checked in.
She couldn’t imagine dying and having to make an adoption decision on top of it. It made Tara appreciate what she had and helped her get out of herself. Instantly she was overcome with such gratitude, realizing that things weren’t that bad after all, no matter how painful the adoption was. She found herself caring about this birth mom and she hadn’t even met her yet.
It was the bond of being a birth mom, too, she guessed.
Later that day the house parent told Tara that the birth mom found a relative to care for her daughter and that she wouldn’t be placing after all. Tara was glad but disappointed a little, too, although she thought it was weird to be disappointed.
But for those brief few hours, she was out of herself and thought about something besides her own pain.
Guess it served its purpose, she figured.
Tara finished what would probably be her last newsletter for Gladney. It was kind of sad.
Another resident had her baby, a girl, and only had to push for 35 minutes. Her dad said she was okay last night but may need support later.
Another resident, age 23, was next.
Tara got depressed the night before but it helped to get out and see the resident who had her baby.
She put up a picture of Veronica and Frank with Mackenzie. It helped to see they were happy and know Mackenzie would be, too.
September 5, 2000
Tara gave her birth mom journal to Gladney’s president after some editing. Typed, it was 12 pages long.
The resident who just had her baby related to Tara now.
Gladney got in a bunch of new residents as they always did in the fall when school started.
Mackenzie was three weeks old that day. Tara was leaving Gladney to get a place of her own again on the 29th.
Gladney’s president’s assistant told Tara once that she’d never wanted a child when she found out she was pregnant with her son some 20 years ago.
Tara remembered an old teacher telling her she’d be a good mom some day.
She saw the doctor that day and was supposed to go back for a follow-up on the 28th for her six-week check-up.
The resident who made Mackenzie’s baby blanket was going to be on “Good Morning America” and “Good Morning Texas” the next day.
She had been having weight fluctuations. When she first became pregnant she lost ten pounds then about three months later gained ten pounds. She was one of the cute girls who had no problem getting the weight off after the baby. Tara chalked it up to her being an active teenager.
That night some of the residents got together and surprised one of the residents who just delivered with a birthday cake. This particular resident hated surprises especially on her birthday and claimed to be shy, though everyone knew that wasn’t true. She was funny, had been in the army, and was tough. But underneath all that toughness was a big heart.
Tara remembered one time she was standing in the kitchen and someone said something odd to this resident. The resident was always great with one-liners.
She looked right at the person who said the odd comment and quipped, “Man, smoke crack on your own time. I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
Tara cracked up.
This night the residents, who were surprising the resident with the cake, hid in a room. But the resident got wind of it and hit out with the house parents in their room.
So began the chase for awhile that night. To everyone’s amusement, the cake traveled all over the dorm, as the residents tried to find the birthday girl, who kept “relocating” from room to room. She was determined not to be given a cake and gifts!
As the night wore on, it became laughable. At one point, the residents gave up after trying several strategies to surprise her and they all settled into the birthday girl’s room, trying to come up with a new plan.
“Man, she’s smart,” one of the residents said, wearily, fixing the icing on the cake.
They all talked for a few minutes until they heard a rustle in the bathroom and the birthday girl emerged from the doorway, scaring them all.
“You all have got to be the stupidest people on earth!” she said, sarcastically, grinning from ear to ear.
They all screamed and laughed hysterically as they made her blow out her candles and open her gifts. Some residents made comments with each gift opened.
Looking around the room at the group, Tara smiled inside.
She never thought she’d say it, but she’d miss these times. This comradery. This union, never to be repeated with any other group she’d ever known or would know in the future.
September 6, 2000
Tara talked to a new resident who was placing her five-year-old little boy for adoption because she was physically abusing him. One of the residents who had placed her three-year-old the year before talked to the resident and Tara was sure it helped her. It seemed to.
The resident who made Mackenzie’s blanket said she really liked watching her stomach jump around and that the baby was becoming so strong. Tonight she made dinner for all 25 residents.
Three more new residents moved in.
The resident who made the blanket was also one who could hang out in a bikini at the pool on campus and think nothing of it.
Tara envied her.
September 7, 2000
Tara found herself not staying up with the residents half the night and watching movies like she did sometimes.
She could feel herself distancing herself, preparing to move out and move on.
September 8, 2000
The resident who made the blanket said she was very excited about meeting her APs again and said they’re so nice. She said she knew they’d give her daughter a good life.
Another resident/friend of Tara’s found out she was going to be induced that Monday and she was very excited. The blanket maker said watching her emotions made her very nervous about her own experience. She only had two months left and said it was very scary.
September 11, 2000
Tara relapsed on her sex addiction twice over the weekend with a guy she’d been with before who lived in another state.
She wasn’t supposed to have sex again until October 15th due to recovering from her surgery.
She found out Mackenzie might be colicky when she got two emails from Veronica.
Tara still wasn’t sleeping or eating and continued to grieve.
One of the residents, who had her baby right after Tara, visited the dorm. She wasn’t doing well either and had gotten back into drugs.
Another resident had her baby.
September 13, 2000
Today was Tara’s ex-husband Mark’s birthday. Her one true love.
Another new resident had her little girl with her and watching her, Tara thought of Mackenzie.
Chelsea offered to let Tara stay with her through the holidays in Florida.
Another resident who had her baby Labor Day weekend moved out.
One resident’s FOB (father of the baby) died in a car accident.
A new resident with terminal cancer was planning to move into Tara’s dorm room as her roommate for a couple of days while she placed her child for adoption.
September 14, 2000
Tara was depressed earlier that day but played with her cat and that helped. Chelsea called and offered again to let her stay with her temporarily but Tara wasn’t going to.
She interviewed for another writing job but they only wanted to pay her $8.50/hour and she had 16 years of journalism experience.
Mackenzie was supposed to go back to the doctor on the 3rd.
September 16-17, 2000
Another slow weekend and a little over a week before Tara was scheduled to leave campus and move in with her new roommate, a girl named Jamie she hardly knew.
Some residents had been staying up late playing cards a lot. One resident had Placement the next day at The Botanical Gardens. This would be her APs first child.
She had been in good spirits and said she felt she made the right decision.
Amy said she was proud of her.
September 18, 2000
One of the residents who had placed in June was having a hard time with her adoption.
Tara talked to her mom who told her she wasn’t real verbal as a baby like Mackenzie was and that she didn’t have a bunch of hair like Mackenzie.
Amy woke up early and finished a blanket for Placement then went to her nursery visit. A resident’s Placement was in the Japanese Tea Gardens which was very pretty, according to the blanket maker. The gardens had ponds with big goldfish and bamboo stalks everywhere.
The Placement took place in a little hut which was a Japanese model of a house.
The APs hadn’t seen the baby until Placement, unlike Tara’s APs. This AP mom started crying tears of joy about the new addition to their lives. The blanket maker said it was so hard not to cry but that it was a very happy time. She said the birth mom was an inspiration.
September 20, 2000
In eight days Tara was leaving after spending eight months at Gladney. She was so excited. Hopefully they’d let her volunteer there later.
She prayed she wouldn’t put her body in danger again.
There was so much she wanted to be and do.
Another resident had her baby recently during the Summer Olympics and had a nursery visit.
A visitor to the center, not knowing the resident was a birth mom, said to her, “Be sure and read him (your son) lots of Tom Sawyer” and the resident almost broke down and cried.
A Gladney employee apologized for the guest’s remarks and the birth mom said “That’s all right, although I did almost break down and cry.”
Her baby had so much hair. There was an old wives’ tale that the residents believed that if the pregnant mom has a lot of heartburn then her baby will have a lot of hair.
September 21, 2000
Tara had gotten two job offers in writing and was leaning towards one for a magazine.
That day she’d gotten her four-week letters, pictures, and a journal of Mackenzie as well as a copy of the Placement tape. Tara copied the letters and journal and sent them to her mom and Chelsea.
Amy didn’t eat right and got sick on the way to the doctor. She’d only gained three pounds in three weeks. She was keeping Mylanta with her at all times for the heartburn.
Pregnant women like and NEED to stay cool. The Texas heat was horrible.
September 25, 2000
On the day that Tara moved out a resident was induced and delivered a little boy, 7 pounds, 10 ounces, and 19 inches long, same as Mackenzie.
September 26, 2000
Tara emailed Mackenzie a card and got one from Veronica. Tara was starting a data entry job the next day since she didn’t get the job at the magazine.
Amy was going home to visit in a few days and was very excited but kind of scared because she was worried about running into the father of her baby. She wanted to show one of her horses in halter at a show but was eight and half months pregnant after all.
September 28, 2000
Tara had therapy that day.
Veronica suggested that Tara, Mackenzie, and her get together twice a year when Mackenzie was a little older and go shopping and out to eat.
Tara was blown away! Veronica got Tara’s journal, pics, and letters and cried.
Tara had been moving stuff all day with her new roommate/significant other. Tara paid to get the water turned back on in the new place.
September 29, 2000
Tara was remembering her childhood – all the good memories: running through sprinklers, the smell of freshly cut grass, watching old “David Letterman” shows in the 80s, how she started cracking her knuckles out of nervousness, good movies, going through codependency treatment, feeling like she couldn’t please her mom, dying to please her dad, the ’94 Winter Olympics, the way her husband used to look at her and how her dad used to leer at her, how her mom scared her, the safety of Chelsea, and blowing Dandelions with her best friend next door.
