New Rules for Deer and Elk Hunting Season!
From Vermont to California, there have always been three traditional hunting seasons: archery, muzzleloader, followed by high-power rifle season. Unfortunately, the deer and elk stand absolutely defenseless against this array of artillery.
Forced to live off the land by just their instincts and lightning-fast reactions, wildlife is helpless against these man-made weapons of mass destruction. So, to rectify the problem the US Fish and Wildlife Service has agreed to replace the three conventional hunting seasons this year with fairer, more humane seasons meant to “level the playing field” for deer and elk. What I’m talking about, of course, is the institution of wrestling season, primitive weapons season followed by knife fighting season.
Wrestling Season�
Amateur and professional wrestling is the life-blood of all young men from high school age to adulthood. So, it only makes sense that it should be integrated into the great American pastime: deer and elk hunting.
Wrestling season will even out the contest between even the best hunters and the hunted. Playing by the rules of the wilderness, the deer and elk stand to win at least an occasional contest against man. Instead of high-powered weapons, hunters will have to stalk and bring down their prey through a number of legal “take down moves” such as the Atomic Drop, Antler Smash, Flying Arm Scissor, Jawbreaker, Hoof Drop, Mat Slam, Reverse Neck Snap, Argentine Pile Driver, Body Slam, Full Nelson and the Leg Scissor Takedown. While it’s true that few deer and elk are as yet schooled against these maneuvers, they can still flee into the brush until they’ve had time to become coached in the new techniques. Hunters participating in wrestling season will be required to wear traditional, camouflaged competitive wrestling shorts, boots, kneepads and headgear.
Wrestling season will also create an entirely new cottage industry. Wilderness wrestling schools will start popping up all over the country, replacing obsolete gun shops and rifle ranges. Instead of relying on the cowardly skill of a clean shot from 75 yards, hunters will need to learn the importance of sneaking up on their prey, muscling them to the ground using a Full Nelson. Of course, with the new regulations will come the necessity for Wilderness Umpires. Wilderness Umpires, employees of the USDA Forest Service, will prowl the outback, counting down “mat pins” and resolving disputes between the hunter and the hunted.
If wilderness wrestling season catches on, you may even see other styles proliferate, such as Greco-Wilderness wrestling, Wilderness Judo wrestling, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Wilderness wrestling and of course, Wilderness Sumo wrestling.
Primitive Weapons Season�
During primitive weapons season, hunters will be restricted to using weapons whose origin was prior to the 17th century. These include spears, blowguns, rocks, sticks, morning stars, nail bats, punji sticks, torches, bolas, chakras, atlatls, meteor hammers, quarterstaffs, catapults, ballistas and slingshots. If the hunters so desire, they may also build elaborate forts, surrounded by moats in an attempt to lure their prey under a veil of boiling oil.
Primitive weapons season is aimed at bringing back the festive mood of the Middle Ages: when warriors sought deer and elk for food instead of trophies. And just to maintain the authentic flavor of the season, hunters will be required to wear full suits of armor, normal helmets, breastplates, knight gauntlets and chain mail. Horses and ATV’s are not allowed during primitive weapons season; all hunts are to be conducted on foot.
Knife Fighting Season�
What orphan, juvenile delinquent or young buck doesn’t love a good knife fight? In an effort to bring the wilderness to the masses, this year the Department of Wildlife has added the excitement of knife fighting to deer and elk hunting season.
During knife fighting season, hunters will be required to stalk their prey on foot, goading them into confrontations using a series of taunts and insults. Tactics include making defamatory remarks about the deer’s mother, their ethnic heritage and who their doe has been sleeping around with.
During knife fight season, just about anything with a blade is allowed. That includes axes, box cutters, daggers, rondels, long swords, pizza cutters, machetes and disposable razors. Knife fights may be conducted one-on-one or in gangs of hunters against bucks. A minimum of 3 participants on each side is required for a legal, gang knife fight.
As a true aficionado of the wilderness experience, it’s wonderful to know that this year man and wildlife will finally get on as equals, just as they did so many years ago. So grab your spears and nunchuks; it’s hunting season!
