Notes from the Counselor on Four Types of Behavior
When she had her first children following the Second World War many of the influences on behavior were very much environmental. Even the environment influenced the degrees of nurture that might be involved. Her first four children experienced a world free of the influence of television but heavy with the influence of tradition.
Fathers worked and mothers raised the children. There were no self help books and proximity determined if other family members provided support.
She was not located physically close to either side of the family, making her the matriarch.
In those days she cooked, cleaned, planned, washed, swept and performed anything that was needed at home. She made the children’s clothes and knitted their mittens.
The boys were given “boy” chores and the girl got “girl” chores. Younger boys or willing older ones were permitted to learn some “girl” things like cooking and washing dishes, but it wasn’t expected.
The religious communities were far more active in people’s daily lives, where she lived, so what you wore and how you wore it were very important.
It wasn’t till the first four of her children were somewhat grown up that she had the opportunity to return to college and study the issues about behavior.
Prior to that time she had to depend on what she had learned at Oak Grove, a finishing school she had attended where she learned fencing, skiing and how to run a home.
These are the notes of Dr. Muriel R. McKenney, the Counselor, on Four Styles of Behavior:
“Not long ago the statement “Stand up for yourself,” was intended for boys, as was “Don’t cry,” and “Be a Man.” Heaven forbid that a son would grow up to be a wimp, meaning a kind, considerate, and giving person who may at times be moved to tears.
On the other hand, girls were taught to be ladylike with all that implies to ensure that they would grow up to be compliant, subservient ladies. It was important that they knew enough to stay in their place; otherwise, they could be considered bold, brazen, pushy women or worse.
At the time this behavior seemed so right. Then came the Women’s Liberation Movement and nothing has been the same since. We are in the process of experiencing a major perceptual shift concerning the roles of men and women, and change we must.
One of the greatest stumbling-blocks seemed to be women’s lack of ability to assert themselves effectively, therefore, to be taken seriously. They need to know how they could be heard without appearing aggressive. Where was the line between aggression and assertion?
In response, assertiveness training classes sprang up all over the place, as women began going back to school and entering the job market big time. Generally, women are taught that:
There are Four Styles of Behavior.
1. Non-Assertive
Characteristics include: not expressing feelings, needs, ideas, and opinions; ignoring one’s own rights and allowing others to also; indirect, inhibited, and self-denying communication. ; avoiding conflict and/or confrontation. ; allowing others to make one’s choices. ; feeling nervous, anxious, depressed, bitter.
2. Aggressive (direct)
Characteristics include: expressing your need, felling, etc. at the expense of others. ; standing up for your rights while ignoring the rights of others. ; intention to win at all costs. ; dominating and/or humiliating others. ; using “you” statements (blaming). ; feeling angry, self-righteous. ; later frustrated, guilty and alone.
3. Aggressive (indirect)
Characteristics include: appearing to be non-assertive but actually using trickery, seduction, or manipulation to win at all costs. ; emotional dishonesty. ; denial of responsibility. ; often leaving others feeling angry and taken advantage of later.
4. Assertive
Characteristics include: expression of honest feelings, needs, opinions, and ideas. ; standing up for one’s own rights without violating the rights of others. ; awareness of and responsibility for one’s own choices. ; feeling confident and not guilty. ; using “I” statements (taking responsibility).
An assertive communication is honest, direct, appropriate to the situation.”
Thus end the notes of The Counselor.
In the 1960’s, The Counselor returned to college. The younger four of her boys were still at home and progressing through the schools.
In this period all the rules were in flux. The changes greatly influenced her thinking. Many things her older four had had as limits placed on them by society were being removed. Both the Civil Rights and the Women’s Rights Movements greatly influenced her thinking.
What she hoped her children who were still at home would accomplish was much more concrete than her older children.
The older ones were expected to reach the ripe old age of eighteen and go off into the world armed with a high school diploma. Her daughter was expected to marry, though she did go to college for a year prior to that happening.
Her younger children were expected to go to college and make a real difference.
Through all the years as a mother, a working mother, a college student, a doctoral student and a wife, she always nurtured those near her; even those who may at times not deserved it.
In her articles she tried to share the information she had gleaned from years of experience and study so that others would better understand themselves and thus make better decisions.
Even now in her current battle with Alzheimer’s, she is quick to see when someone’s behavior indicates the need for a little smile or a hug.
