Official Monster Raving Looney Party’s Wild Willi Beckett Raves for Us
The monster, known as The Official Monster Raving Loony Party, snakes its tendrils across the entire globe, and boasts snarling members with glowing, red eyes and dripping fangs even in the seedy swamps of other countries. The late, great, famed Screamin’ Lord Sutch established the Official Monster Raving Loony Party to oppose the madness he saw in socially defined sanity. Deciding to seek out viable third-party options, I hunted down the party in their draconian lair.
When contacted at the Frankensteinesque O.M.R.L.P. (a mysterious acronym nobody has yet been able to decipher) headquarters deep in the green and pleasant land, the Deputy Leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, the lovely and gracious Ms. Boney Maroney, monstrously agreed to an official interview. Unfortunately, madness prevented Ms. Maroney from replying, so instead I received the following looney message:
“My name is Wild Willi Beckett, and I am Shadow Minister of Mental Health in the OMRLP. Our Deputy Leader, Boney Maroney, has asked me to reply to your e-mail, and I am happy to do so.”
Here are the initial questions and Wild Willi’s replies on behalf of the Official Monster Raving Looney Part.
Kevin Noel Olson: Your party boasts a world-wide Conspiracy of Loonacy to�well�what exactly is the conspiracy about, and without risking arrest yourself, can you name your favorite co-conspirators?
Wild Willi Beckett: How did you find out about the Conspiracy of Lunacy? It’s supposed to be a secret. Four of us planned to meet at an undisclosed destination. It was so undisclosed, none of us knew where it was. It took hours not to find it. Once we hadn’t found it, we got down to business and set up The Conspiracy. It fell down, as there was no one there to catch it. We have learned from our mistakes. Next time it will be different. Next time we will disclose the destination, but only to people who aren’t going there. And people said we weren’t smart.
kno: Perhaps you could elaborate on some of the party’s official stances, including taxes, traffic control, drinking age, and streetlights along abandoned dirt paths through the misty moor?
wwb: You ask about our policies concerning tax, traffic control, drinking age, and street lighting along abandoned dirt paths through the misty moor. Simple. There should be no tax on vehicles driving along abandoned dirt paths through the misty moor if driven by those old enough to drink, during the hours of daylight. After dark, a serious amount of tax should be levied. However, since the paths are abandoned, they will be difficult for tax inspectors to find. Especially since there are no lights.
kno: Recently, the Storsjo Lake Monster of Sweden was removed from the endangered species list there, leaving it open to the same types of hunts that eliminate entire populations of the spotted snipe bird here in the U.S. What drastic steps can the OMRLP take to protect the rights of creatures that are so rare nobody can prove they exist? If we can’t protect non-existent creatures, may we soon be bemoaning the fate of the mythical ‘rational human beings’ and Bigfoot?
wwb: The rarest creature in the British Isles is the honest politician. I have met only one: Screaming Lord Sutch. When asked what attracted him to the idea of becoming a Member of Parliament, he replied: The wages. Sadly, this honest man is no longer with us. Anyone purporting to have sighted an honest politician should contact us immediately. Or possibly see their optometrist.
kno: Since your party allows only Loony people as its members, it must be the most all-embracing political party ever seen in human and monster history. How do you discriminate properly to avoid allowing the sane (who are likely the most crazy of all people) from joining?
wwb: The OMRLP does not limit joining its membership to those who are already Loonies. You have much to understand about matters Loony. Some are born Loony. Some achieve Lunacity. Some have Lunacity thrust upon them. Just join the party. You’ll get the hang of it.
kno: Does the OMRLP object to being taken advantage of for enormous profits-for example, the profit this interviewer is likely to make from exploiting your monstrous nature? (Please take note that if the interviewer makes a large enough profit, he plans to join the OMRPLP to take advantage of further and future exploitational opportunities).
wwb: Does the OMRLP object to being taken advantage of for enormous profit? Yes.
kno: That is the craziest thing I’ve heard you say yet, Wild Willi! All the sane voters for the other political parties seem to love being taken advantage of for enormous profit, since the elect the same profiteering officials into office over and over again. Now on to the next question.
At this moment, an antique wax cylinder of Screamin’ Lord Sutch is playing ‘Scream and Scream Again’. Is this the official anthem of the OMRLP, or is it ‘Monster Rock’?
wwb: We lack such an official anthem. I thank you for bringing this to my attention. I will inform Sledgehammer Stan, leader of The Savages, Lord Sutch’s backing band. He will know what to do.
kno: Are there plans to spread the plague of the OMRLP to other countries, and have you met resistance from the covert government agencies domestic (for you) and abroad (for everyone in countries other than your own)?
wwb: What plague is this? A pandemic? A Loony pandemic would inevitably involve a proliferation of pans. Do we really want this? You tend to have the number of pans you need. More would be excessive. Unless you were a pan collector. What would that be – a teflonophile?
kno: The OMRLP has several Shadow Cabinets of very distinctive and important�cabinetory issues. I find it disturbing that Ms. Boney Maroney does not have a cabinet listed. *interviewer doppelgangers into Barbara Walters* What are you trying to hide, Ms. Maroney?
wwb: A list of the members of the Loony Shadow Cabinet is extremely simple. And extremely long. Every member is a shadow minister for whatever Loony field he or she chooses. So the Cabinet is the whole membership. If that ain’t democracy, I don’t know what is!
kno: The party leader for the OMRLP is currently Alan “Howling Laud” Hope. Do you have anything good to say about him as a possible instant replacement should he come to a tragic accident involving a herd of llamas (not the priest kind) and a pair of salad tongs?
wwb: I assume you mean the possibility of our leader Alan Hope, replacing Tony Blair, should the latter, for whatever reason, be unable to continue in office. This is not such a crazy idea. Under current regulations, should Mr. Blair unexpectedly vacate his seat, the mantle of Acting Leader would automatically fall to one John Prescott. The prospect of Prescott is too awful to contemplate. He should be by-passed and replaced by a man whose girth exceeds his, namely Alan Hope. Alan would have no difficulty running the country, providing it doesn’t start before 11.00 a.m. This is not so lazy as it sounds. Alan Hope works late into the night, every night, overseeing every aspect of Loony policy concerned with large meals and beer. In the mornings, he is exhausted, and needs to be revived by administering large meals and beer. We are extremely lucky to have Alan at the helm. We look to him for help, advice and understanding. And during a famine, we could always eat him. He’d last us months.
kno: Recently, you ran afoul (read: ‘a fowl’) of the law by illegally receiving funds from an evil foreigner from the Isle of Man. How do you receive these allegations of wrong-doing on your and your party’s part?
wwb: We did not run afoul of the law. We received an unsolicited, small donation from a member in the Isle of Man. It was returned, after the Electoral Commission pointed out this was inadmissible, since the Isle of Man is technically not part of the UK. Ok. Fine. It will be after we come to power. We’ll goddam invade.
kno: (addressed to Boney Maroney:) You have mentioned your intention to face-off with Tony Blair in an upcoming election. Is this really a fair fight, or will you be willing to give poor Tony a handicap (but not in the Nancy Kerrigan style)?
wwb: The “face-off” between Boney and Tony (How about that for a duo. Well, Sonny’s dead and Cher can’t last forever. Can she?) took place in May of this year. See website for photo and report.
kno: In all the pictures of Screamin’ Lord Sutch, he is always smiling wickedly. He looks like he was a very gregarious, garrulous, gruesomous, and gorillaous person in life. As a close friend of his during his lifetime, perhaps you can speak to your memories of this intriguing personality.
wwb: The best way to read what people thought about Lord Sutch is to obtain the most recent book about him, written by Graham Sharpe, a journalist who knew him for forty years, and who has included a wealth of anecdotal detail in this excellent work.
kno: Recently, former Canadian Minister of Defence suggested a plan be started to related with extra-terrestrial civilizations. Is is possible for the OMRLP to come up with a plan to communicate with aliens, and do you expect possible future members to come from distant stars (not stars like Tom Cruise)?
wwb: The OMRLP just lives for the day when an alien civilisation sends emissaries from across the Galaxy to select a human for study as a representative of all that makes homo sapiens great. If the space gooks pick one of us Loonies, we’re home and dry.
kno: I sincerely thank you for this unique opportunity to tear apart your clandestinely-wicked and infinitely threatening political party, and would like to leave it open for you to make any official statement concerning the OMRLP or its members you like before this information is presented to the public and destroys your party forever, or until someone pulls the stake out of its heart (but not before the interviewer become an official loony member so he can be vilified along with you!).
wwb: I would like to say, in conclusion, thank you, Kevin, for taking the time to read this. Please be assured of our continuing interest, and remember: if all that Screaming Lord Sutch and the Official Monster Raving Loony Party stands for could be encapsulated in one word, it would be
FUN
B – Loony,
Wild Willi Beckett
kno: Somehow, I thought that one word would be TheOfficialMonsterRavingLooneyParty. You always surprise me! Thanks again, Wild Willi.
