Online Dating Profile Translator

After having the dubious pleasure of surfing the offerings at online dating sites, I’ve found that what the profiles say often bears little resemblance to reality. However, there are some common threads woven among the lies. To save millions of you the trouble it took for me to gain this information, I’m going to share it with you in this ‘dictionary’ of online dating terminology.

“Looking for my soul mate, or one & only”
No, they’re not looking for a soul mate; they’re looking to get laid, period. If they are genuinely looking for their “one & only”, they’re probably a stalker; you should have a lawyer on retainer for the restraining order you’re going to need.

“Can I see your picture?”
This really means “Can I see your tits?”

“A few extra pounds”
Careful with this. Anyone admitting to having a ‘few extra pounds’ knows they’ve got a few more than that. You’ll find yourself having lunch with a close relative of Jabba the Hut (complete with drool).

“Outgoing, attractive and fit”
This translates to “I’m all that, and you’d better be too, or you won’t get the time of day from me”. It can also mean they don’t own a mirror and their friends are far too polite to tell them the truth.

“Old-fashioned, traditional values”
Ooooh, doesn’t that sound quaint? What this suggests is a person who still believes in outdated stereotypes, which is fine if you’re into slowly suffocating. It can also imply a person who hasn’t changed their hair, makeup, glasses, or style since high school.

“Seeking someone down-to-earth”
Umm, no. They’re seeking someone whose knees will be hitting the dirt in total adoration and acquiescence, with their tits chained to the stove the rest of the time.

“Likes to leave love notes”
The ‘love notes’ they promise will be in the form of pornographic emails and instant messaging.

“No profile written”
Not giving a description can still say volumes about a person. It can mean: a) they aren’t intelligent enough to string more than two words together to make a sentence; b) they are so boring and uninteresting, even they can’t think of anything to say about themselves; or c) they are deceased.

“Annual Income: Prefer Not to Say”
Hey, if you were looking to score, would you tell the world that you’re on social assistance? Of course not. This profile option response indicates they’re either loaded (doubtful), or the only date they can afford is the Golden Arch drive through (probable).

The bottom line here kids is that online dating can be a useful tool, but go into it with your eyes wide open and a healthy level of suspicion. If it sounds too good to be true, chances are that it is.