Pamela Anderson & Kid Rock: The Wedding Quadondrum Article

I came up with the word “quadondrum” to describe the quad-wedding conundrum currently facing Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. Isn’t that clever of me? When I say quad-wedding, I’m not kidding. Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson are literally getting married four times. The first ceremony will be held in France for some reason, St. Tropez to be exact, and the other three will be held soon thereafter in Detroit, Malibu and Nashville.

This is, by any standard, impressively gaudy. It’s ostentatious on a level that even Liberace could not contend with. Unnecessary is not even a word that could begin to describe these events, and that it is why it is completely and utterly appropriate. It’s almost as if Pam and Kid Rock realize their chances of staying together (forever) are so poor that they’re like, fuck it, let’s throw the biggest wedding celebration that the world has ever seen! I mean, they’re all like, we’ll see you Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale’s cross Atlantic party and double it!

They have truly entered a new plane of celebrity of indulgence. Without even trying, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have become revolutionaries. VH1 is planning a one-hour special to acknowledge this as I type.

Let’s switch gears for a second. I could have sworn that only months, perhaps days, before the announcement of this super-wedding that Pamela had been seen carousing with ex-husband number one and father of her children, Motley Crue’s Tommy Lee.

No matter what happens and no matter how long this Kid Rock-marriage lasts, it could even last eternity, pop culture historians will recognize Tommy Lee as Pamela Anderson’s true love. He’s Marilyn Monroe’s Joe DiMaggio, which makes Kid Rock her Arthur Miller, and when I think about it, that’s not a horrible analogy.

I have to admit it, there’s something about this Kid Rock relationship that jut pisses me off. I mean, seriously, why in the world is Pamela Anderson, our country’s greatest sex symbol, marrying a guy who, by most accounts, is less attractive than me?

Why? Because life is not fair�and I have a tiny, tiny penis.