Pandas of America, Unite! Tips for Panda Mating Tactics in the Confines of US Zoos

By this point, the news of the panda birth at the Atlanta Zoo is not grasping the collective balls of this nation; at least not in a “Paris Hilton did something wrong” kind of balls-stranglehold way. But it’s not like there isn’t a story here, the young offspring of Lun Lun (female) and Yang Yang was only the fifth American-born panda cub and, of the five, none of have been conceived naturally. In other words, Lun Lun was artificially inseminated with Yang Yang’s semen. This brings up two rousing queries of international interest. One, do we give our pandas those “repeat the same word twice” names (to make them sound more Asian) or do they come that way from China (and, if so, is the national director of panda naming a huge a Duran Duran fan)? And secondly, have you ever thought about the logistics involved with a sentence like “Lun Lun was artificially inseminated with Yang Yang’s semen.” I mean, how do they get it. Yuck. I don’t really want to think about it. Really.

So, needless to say, this whole event got me thinking. Feeling for the guy with the “panda semen extractor” job title, I started to conjure up some tips, tips for panda mating tactics in the confines of US Zoos. Here they areâÂ?¦

-Privacy

I realize the point of a “zoo” is to “display” “animals”, and that “pandas” make for really special “exhibits”, but come onâÂ?¦ Can’t we give these guys some privacy? I fear that I’m infertile (which, by the way, probably isn’t a bad thing for mankind’s sake), though I have no proof to back this up. It’s just a feeling, you know (it’s kind of like the “I am so going to have a dwarf if I can get my wife pregnant” feeling). Anyway, for the sake of this article, let’s say that I’m not infertile. If I had to mate in front of a crowd, I’d have trouble “performing” as well. This is also why I could never be in porn.

-Sexy Music

It is a largely known myth that the sexy music of Barry White does not effect animal mating, especially in zoos. This rumor needs to be dispelled because Barry White’s music has an effect on every kind of animal, regardless of intelligence or lack thereof. And I’m not just talking about the A-list stuff like “Can’t Get Enough of Your Love, Babe”; I’m talking deep cuts. Shit like “Come On in Love”. Believe me people; we need to get these panda bears mating naturally.

-Wine and Oysters

Pandas need aphrodisiacs too. Picture this: Yang Yang comes back to the fake, concrete cave after a long day of eating bamboo and posing for pictures, and Lun Lun is waiting there, maybe in some sexy panda lingerie, with an opened bottle of Chianti and fresh oysters. For dessert, it’s chocolate covered, but the real dessert is Lun Lun herself.

-Porn

There’s got to be some kind of Asian panda porn out there. Asians are the weirdest people ever, in terms of not-so-perverted sexual perversions. It’s like they’re purposely goofy when it comes to sex just to fuck with the Western World’s head (like that whole used panty trade, but that’s another article). Anyway, I’m sure they’ve got some sort of panda porn industry, even if it’s anime. And if they don’t have this stuff we should commission them to make some. Hey, it couldn’t hurt.

-Love

Maybe everyone’s ignoring the most important factor when it comes to conception: love. Perhaps Lun Lun just didn’t love Yang Yang, or vice versa. You can’t force panda love, they’re very picky creatures. Rumor has it that Lun Lun preferred tough guys and Yang Yang was totally Mr. Nice Guy, er, I mean Mr. Nice Panda. This is okay. They just need to find a super sensitive, female panda for Yang, and an “I’m gonna pull your Panda hair” type for Lun. Problem solved.