Parenting After Divorce
Our children, the innocent victims, are affected in many ways due to divorce. Children who experience parental divorce exhibit more conduct problems, more symptoms of psychological maladjustment, lower academic achievement, more social difficulties and poorer self-concepts. Adults that experienced parental adults as children score lower on a variety of indicators of psychological, interpersonal and socioeconomic well-being. Compared to children in intact families, children whose parents have divorced are much more likely to drop out of school, to engage in premarital sex, and to become pregnant themselves outside of marriage. These children grow up to be adults that have more difficulty developing stable and committed relationships. As adults they find it difficult to trust others, or to trust themselves or their decisions. In their adult relationships they may become needy, clingy dependent partners, always afraid of being abandoned and unloved. Others tend to become withdrawn and unable to establish true intimacy with a partner. They have more of a protective barrier up to prevent others from getting to close, because they fear once someone really gets to know them they will abandon them. Adults who experienced divorce in childhood are at a greater risk of being divorced themselves.
Divorce has a great impact on us all. We need to focus on finding ways to keep our families together. Couples need to be educated, and they need the support of family, friends and the community. Before a couple decides to divorce, they should attempt to restore their marriage. Some suggestions would be counseling, classes on communication, support groups, and for the couple to take an honest look at what divorce would do to the family. Is it in the best interest of the family as a whole? Is it in the best interest of the children?
In reality, sometimes divorce is the best possible solution. It is a personal decision, and sometimes not a mutual one. Regardless, what can we do if we find ourselves facing the prospect of divorce? How do we adjust to life after divorce? Most importantly, how do we still achieve our goal to raise healthy, well-adjusted children in spite of divorce?
One solution is co-parenting. Co-parenting is developing a partnership with your ex-spouse to raise your children together. It may be extremely difficult at first, but there comes a point that you have to learn to deal with your anger, hurt and sadness, or at the very least put it aside for the sake of your children. That does not mean that you put these feelings aside permanently, but that you learn to deal with your ex-spouse in a more productive, positive way. Obviously your marriage did not work out for many reasons and lack of communication was probably one of the reasons. However, you must learn to communicate with each other in regards to your children.
The primary responsibility of co-parenting will belong to the custodial parent. Keep the lines of communication open. Inform the other parent of school performance, problems, doctor visits, etc. The point is to allow the other parent to become as actively involved in the lives of the children as he/she chooses. If having to deal with your ex-spouse in person or over the phone is too painful, or if you need to discuss an issue that you feel may result in unnecessary arguing, write a letter or send an email.
It is not in the child’s best interest to alienate the non-custodial parent from their children. The custodial parent has a responsibility to take the steps necessary to allow them to have the opportunity to foster their own relationship. Even in cases where the children live in separate states and distance plays a factor, there are many options that can be taken to help their relationship with the non-custodial parent thrive. The marriage may have ended, but your responsibilities to your children are life long. You may no longer partners in life, but every effort should be made to be partners in parenting, for the sake of your children.
Divorce is a difficult, life changing event. The last thing you may want to do is keep ties with your ex-spouse, because at times it will bring up past issues, and pain that only time will heal. Take the time to reflect, and to learn from the experience. By working on your own issues, rebuilding your life, and allowing your children experience having the love and support of both their parents, you are teaching them to cope, to deal with life changing crisis, and setting an example of prioritizing the most important aspects of life. The best parent is the parent who can overcome life’s trials and move forward, deal with the issues in a healthy and productive manner, and show by their example the benefits of forgiveness and learning from past mistakes.
Children need to be allowed to have a loving relationship with both parents. Both parents have a right to be actively involved in the lives of their children. Children will always have two biological parents, and will adjust better if they have access to both. It is very important to the child’s adjustment and emotional health. Co-parenting may not work for everyone, and may not be an option for some, but, if possible the benefits to the children are worth giving it a try.
In conclusion, the innocent victims of divorce are our children. Current problems in American society are largely due to divorce. Our children are being raised without the monetary means to provide basic needs, and they lack the love and support necessary from both parents. The affects of divorce on our children are life long. As adult’s they are unable to maintain stable and healthy relationships, in turn continuing a vicious cycle that is a legacy passed on to their children. However, children of divorce can be raised to be healthy, well-adjusted productive members of society if we as parents can learn to put the needs of our children first. If we want this world to be a better place, and we want positive social change, we must begin at home, one family at a time, one child at a time.
