Parenting with ADD
If this sounds like your morning, then you, like me, are probably parenting with Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. A lot has been written about children with ADD and ADHD, and how to parent them, but not about how to be a parent yourself with one of these brain states.
I was diagnosed late; my ADD didn’t become an actual problem in my life until I had my first child. As with many women with ADD or ADHD, I was able to manage school, career, and relationships well enough, but the addition of a child all of that went right out the window. Parenting with ADD was the hardest challenge of my life, and one I’m still earning to cope with.
One of the hardest things for a parent with ADD or ADHD can be maintaining consistency. One week a parent may believe praise and a chore schedule is the greatest idea since sliced bread, but the first time the schedule breaks down or runs into problem, that parent is ready to toss the entire system out as a complete failure. That is, of course, a problem of impulsivity, which makes being consistent very difficult. Another serious problem for ADD-ers can be time management. Many of us simply have no internal sense of time passing and so making it to appointments, picking the kids up on time and even judging duration of conversations and punishments can be a real issues. A third major problem can be emotional reactivity. Many ADD-ers are “thin-skinned”, meaning insults and sarcastic comments can inspire an over-reaction (this is especially a problem if you have teenagers). A final problem for parents with ADD can be, of course, distractability. As illustrated in the scenario at the beginning, it is easy for a well-meaning parent to run into massive problems just in the course of an ordinary morning.
Consistency is a major problem for me. I had trouble with it as a teacher, and still struggle with it as a parent. In my family, we often joke about my “chaos aura”, but some days it is no joking matter at all. Unfortunately, many of the coping skills associated with impulsivity are things that if you could do them in the first place, it wouldn’t be a problem. However, taking a step back from a situation in which you want to just “forget it” or “start from scratch” can be the most powerful resource you have. I call this intentionally second-guessing myself. When I feel myself about to make a decision based on frustration and anger, I try to find ways to slow the situation down and give myself some time to cool down and think. My spouse has gotten good at helping me do this by asking questions to help talk me down. This will also work the emotional reactivity, but can be much harder.
Time management is a joke in our family. My spouse, who does not have ADD, is more often late than I am. I tend to be far, far too early for things. I set timers and alarms: my phone reminds me when to pick up the kids, my computer reminds me to start dinner, and I use www.flylady.net to help me organize and remember to do ordinary home tasks, like laundry and the dishes. I also plan out menus for the week so I can make sure the meals I’m making will fit in the time we have for the day (and in our budget). I also use my planner religiouslyâÂ?¦ wellâÂ?¦ mostly. I plan when the kids leave for school, when I will work out (exercise is extremely important for ADD folks), when I plan to do household chores and when I will write. I also don’t get angry at myself if I fall off the schedule. For example, while writing this article, I got distracted in the kitchen and mopped the floor. As soon as I finished, I put myself back at my desk. Obviously, sometimes the issues are a little bigger, especially if you work outside of your home (your boss will probably not be nearly as amused to find you mopping the break roomâÂ?¦), but part of the emotional reactivity is a sense of guilt, shame and anger at being “wrong”.
Medication is a hot topic among ADD-ers. You can try it, but don’t expect it to be a magic bullet. At best, all it will do is make setting up schedules and “normal” behaviors easier – it will not make them happen over night. There is no organization fairy, or parenting fairy who will sprinkle you with magic dust (drat!). I take medication and have found it very helpful, but it has been a long road to find the right ones, and not a road I would wish on anyone. Medication is a very personal choice, and one that should be made in the most informed way possible with help from a doctor.
The most important thing for any parent, ADD or not, is communication. Communicate with your children in ways that are appropriate to their level of understanding and apologize. Model the behavior you want to see, including admitting your wrongs and showing gratitude. Chances are, if you have ADD or ADHD, you will likely have at least one child with ADD as well, so showing that child a person with ADD can lead a happy, successful life can be the best gift you ever give your child.
