Preparing Teenagers for a New Sibling

For some reason, I thought that the older children my children were, the easier it would be for them to accept the arrival of a new sibling. Over the years, I’ve helped my now-teenagers adjust to moves, school changes, and a divorce – and I’ve watched as they made room for their father’s new partner and her young son. I just assumed that my announcing that I was going to expand our family by adopting another child would be met with excitement, or at least a smiling nod of approval. The one thing I’ve learned from nearly two decades of parenting is that I should know better than to assume anything!

Needless to say there has been no “smiling nod of approval,” and definitely no radiant glow of excitement. As I plod through the adoption process, the best way I can describe my teenagers’ reaction is ambivalence. It’s run the gamut from open negativity and hostility (I know, that’s often the resting state of the teenager) to mild amusement to horrified embarrassment. What I’ve learned is that many of the fears and concerns my teenagers are expressing are identical to the feelings often associated with toddlers and younger children told they are expecting a new sibling.

While I don’t have access to the array of cute books I had when preparing the older ones for the “new baby” all those years ago, I have had to make room for these feelings of ambivalence and try to find create ways to prepare them for the inevitable changes in our home.

One of the major ways we’ve processed this evolution of our family is by letting everyone have their say. Having established a family dynamic where each person is allowed and encouraged to express how he or she feels has it’s downside in the teenage years, but it certainly got things out in the open early on in the adoption process. The challenge for me was to actually “hear” what they were trying to say so I knew where to direct my energy. And they definitely had concerns!

Would I pay all my attention to the “new baby” and not have time for them (sound familiar)? Of course as teenagers, they are quite busy and increasingly independent, but they still cling to the idea that as their mother, I belong to them. Even though I have always been a mom who worked outside the home and had other non-parenting interests, they were still concerned that I might forget about them and focus on a “new family.” Just like with younger children, my job is to offer reassurance and show them that I am still involved and concerned for them.

How could they possibly feel the same way about a new sibling as they felt about each other, having grown up together? This was an incredibly complicated and valid concern. I had to acknowledge that it would most likely be quite different, but that didn’t necessarily mean it would be a bad thing. They would be experiencing a different side of sibling attachment. And, for my fourteen-year-old son who has always been the baby and the only boy, his role could change drastically. Of course, I see this as a positive development and an opportunity for growth and evolution, but they see it through the fearful eyes of insecurity over how things will change.

You’re going to expect us to baby-sit! Despite the fact that I explained at the onset that I would be the parent and they would be the “hip, older siblings,” I’ve still had to combat the concern that I will be off and they will be left to baby-sit. I couldn’t figure out how to gently tell them that I couldn’t even count on them to feed the cats on a regular basis, let alone look after a helpless infant, but instead opted for answering their concerns with reassurances. In reality, I imagine that they will certainly bond with this new child and probably naturally take more of a parenting role over time, but by setting boundaries and expectations from the start, I hope to free them up to build their own relationship – without the responsibility.

In general, I find that just like with younger children, we are having lots of strategic conversations, but no matter how much we attempt to prepare, we’ll really have to face the changes as they evolve once the baby arrives. By assuring my teens that I will be as attentive and available as possible and that they now have built-in “escape plans” due to their age and independence, we are starting to at least get to a place where we can anticipate the new baby with more pleasantries and less drama.

The one concern I cannot seem to answer to is the “This is so embarrassing! Why can’t you be like the other mom’s and how could you ruin my life?” I’m not so old and out of touch that I don’t get how this can be embarrassing to a teenager (or three) – but, then again, at the age of forty, the way I wear my hair, dress, speak and breathe are generally rather embarrassing to the teenagers. This is where I practice the fine, yet challenging skill developed by all seasoned parentsâÂ?¦silence.