Product Review: Stella Artois and Chili’s Awesome Blossom
Digging In
Hmm, the beer is pretty good, though I will admit it is my 4th in a row, and I am fast becoming drunk. In fact, you look like you have an honest face, so let me tell you the truth: this wasn’t an article, this is just what I was doing anyways. Shhhh. Anyways, let me give you some history of these products.
Stella Artois is a Belgian beer, a fine product that tastes pretty good and definitely will get you hammied if that is your goal. And if you are drinking beer and that isn’t your goal… who are you? Why are you drinking beer? You know it only makes you thirstier, right?
On to this Awesome Blossom. In case you are not from America and do not know what Chili’s is, it is a restaurant of middle to low likability that serves mostly American food. What sets them apart, however, is their Awesome Blossom, which is pieces of fried onion that seem to be glued together to somehow form a super onion that is covered in the saltiest batter of all time. As I tear away strips of onion from the “mother husk”, I am reminded of the time I was starving in the woods and had to pull a squirrel apart with my bare hands to eat it. That was probably to most blood I’ve ever had on my face… but it’s never to late to break a record (Ahem, ladies….).
UPDATE: I am beginning to feel sick from the Awesome Blossom, its too salty for it’s own damn good. It seriously tastes like a fisherman’s crotch: mildly warm, moist, and accidentally covered in sea salt. This disgusting accompaniment of fat free ranch dressing isn’t helping either.
UPDATE…PART 2:Stella Artois has really started to kick in. This is truly a fine, fine reflection of Belgian brewmastery. It was recommended to me by a very kind, though rather pushy, Belgian man named Pater while on a trip through the country. While we got drunk together, I declined an invitation to snuggle him on his antique bunkbed, which really set him off. I wound up sleeping in the barn, next to a mule whose rectum was suspiciously dilated.
UPDATE: Three Ninja’s Kick Back
Well, I keep taking breaks to go drink more Stella Artois. At this point, I am really not feeling good about these inferior onion crisps. To be honest, I have never even heard of an onion crisp. Only onion rings. I m not sure what Chili’s is trying to prove with this blossom of salty batter but all that it’s shown me is that it suckers you in for serious dehydration, which, when combined with Stella Artois, makes for an angry drunk.
My roommate just learned this the hard way. She passed through asking me what I was doing awake and on the computer in my underwear. I threw a nearby kleenex box at her and said “same thing you are doing with your clit ring out, you fucking whore: relaxing!”.
Yeah, she’s only been here a day or two, and I immediately knew that was a bad move. I can hear her whimpering in the next room as I type this. I mean I suppose I am completely free to go in there to comfort her… but I feel obligated to finish this article. I am a proffesional. BRB, need more Artois.
UPDATE: 4-play
Back. On the way past my new roommates door I screamed “I’m sorry….sorry that you are such a fucking crybaby!”. Then I opened it and she told me to get out. In response, I simply pulled out my dick and bared my teeth at her. I don’t know what the hell came over me, because then I just apologized and tripped on my own boots trying to leave.
I am getting tired from being so drunk and full of salt. It’s time to end this, I promise I will post again tomorrow, much longer, bigger, BETTER. Then again, never take a drunk’s word for it. So in conclusion: Awesome Blossom is only good if you need something salty to keep sleet off of your driveway in the wintertime, but it makes a terrible food. Stella Artois is just wonderful, unless you have heriditary alcoholism, in which case your life may go to shit upon drinking it. Hey though, sometimes you just need to get a little drunk.
