Profiles of Different Visitors to the Office Bathroom: What People Do in the Loo?

When you work in an office, the bathroom can become your refuge from the world. Having worked in an office setting for more than a dozen years, I’ve spent more than my fair share of time in the restroom, and, faced with not much to do but the task at hand, I have noticed a trend in the types of people who use the facilities at work.

The Traveller

This person, normally female, has only been spotted by me (a male) entering and exiting the bathroom. They are known primarily by the distance they’ll walk from their desk to use the restroom. The thinking seems to be that if I use a restroom on a different floor and/or zip code from where my desk is located, nobody will know that I have bodily functions. It’s tough to resist the urge to point at them and say, “I know what you’re doing.”

Buns of Steel

There is nothing like comfortably contemplating how they manage to make TP rolls the size of tree trunks and hearing the sound of Mr. Buns of Steel. This is the guy who you hear rolling out a bit of toilet paper, and then you hear what sounds like someone sanding a knotty two by four. Without getting too gross, beyond contemplating the pain involved, I’ve often wondered what this person eats to make this technique necessary, and further, how it could possibly be effective. If you need to find these guys outside of the restroom, simply look for the person sitting on a donut.

The Wrapper and Blinder

No, this doesn’t refer to a guy who starts beat boxing while in the middle of doing his thing or a guy who emits vapors so bad that you temporarily lose your eyesight. This is actually a guy with OCD so bad that even Howie Mandel thinks he has a problem. They start with the blinding first, covering the electric eye on the toilet with TP. This, of course, protects you from the toilet flushing itself while you’re sitting on it or getting up from it. As everyone knows, a flushing toilet emits billions of little water droplets that could kill you on contact if you don’t take this preventive measure. The person then covers the toilet with 70 pounds of toilet paper, and one of those useless toilet seat covers. (Sidenote: Does anyone ever find it odd that the tell you to drop the center portion in the toilet?) Now you may ask yourself, “How do you know what this person does?” Thankfully, in the interest of anthropology, this charming person leaves his handiwork for the rest of us to clean up. Since the electric eye is covered up, an unsuspecting person who steps into the stall is greeted by what looks like a small Charmin mummy.

OCD Lite

This is the guy who wets a bit of toilet paper or paper towel to give the toilet seat a cursory wipe. This person is brave enough to touch the seat, but they want to at least attempt to make it cleaner by killing germs armed only with 17 drops of tap water.

The Slammer

This person may also have OCD, or severe anger issues. Rather than use their hand or foot to gently set the seat down, they give it a shove that ensures the sound of a slammed toilet seat will echo throughout the building and down the block. This coworker is useful for ending constipation.

Mr. Cellular

This is the person who doesn’t let a little thing like being in the bathroom keep people from reaching him. This person is spotted by his annoying ringtone and the subsequent “Hello???? Nothing……. Nuh uh…….. Uh huh….. Well, I think that…….” The best way of dealing with this person is 48 courtesy flushes.

Typer and Wiper

This person is a related to Mr. Cellular. He’s the guy you hear clicking away at the buttons of the phone, frantically texting away while he tends to other business. I’ve always wondered what this person is saying to the person on the other end. “Guess where I am, LOL!”

Grunty

This is the polar opposite of the Traveller. He doesn’t care who knows he’s in the bathroom. Like Meg Ryan in “When Harry Met Sally”, this guy calls attention to himself through some primal noises that can best be described as profoundly disturbing. The best way to deal with this guy is to applaud when he’s done. That or offer him a hug.

And finally………

Mr. No Hands Wash Guy

Okay, no clever title here. While just about every guy has walked out on occasion without washing his hands, this guy makes it a habit. There are two types. Stealth No Hands Wash Guy will wash his hands when he’s sure people are watching, but if he finishes and sees everyone else is safely behind stalls, he will bolt from the restroom without stopping. Blatant No Hands Wash Guy doesn’t care WHO is watching. In fact, he may even try to fake you out by standing at the sink, coming his hair, straigtening his tie, making himself look pretty, but NEVER touching water.

So be careful out there. Just remember, some idiot writer with too much time on his hands could be paying attention.