Pugs Aren’t Dogs, but Goblins

Once upon a long time ago, I used to teach English as a second language. One of my clients, with whom I focused on conversation, told me that she wanted to get a dog, but it wasn’t working out very well.

“Why?” I asked.

“I want a pug,” she said in her delightful Russian accent.

“Pugs are great!” I exclaimed.

“Yes, but my boyfriend no like.”

I frowned. “Why not?”

“He says,” she said, “pugs not dog. Goblin!”

I, being a slightly twisted individual, found this to be one of the most hillarious observations ever uttered, and we spent the rest of the day discussing ways in which pugs could be definitively categorized either as dogs or goblins. The verdict, as many of you pug-lovers no doubt are already aware, is that pugs are actually, in fact, goblins.

Here’s why:

1. While all dogs are stinky, any pug enthusiast knows pugs are far stinkier than the average dog. This is not some shortcoming of the part of pugs or their owners. Rather the answer is simple – pugs smell more because they are goblins!

2. Dogs, as we all know, bark. Have you ever heard a pug bark? No. You’ve heard them snuffle, growl, wheeze and even purr, but bark? No. Again: the verdict is clear: goblin!

3. Other dogs in the “ugly zone” such as bulldogs and other wrinkly-faced dogs seem to actually realize they are ugly. Pugs on the other hand have no idea. This must be because instead of seeing themselves as part of the dog kingdom, where they are on the lower end of the attractiveness scale, they see themselves as part of the goblin kingdom, and for goblins, let’s face it, pugs are doing pretty well.

4. As anyone who has ever spent a great deal of time with a pug can attest (or anything who has ever watched Best In Show) pugs will hump anything. And if we learnt anything from Lord of the Rings, it’s that goblins only exist in mass hordes, a state which one must assume derives from humping. Pugs are clearly constantly seeking to breed in the name of goblin world domination.

5. Finally, the eating habits of pugs are particularly grotesque. While all dogs have a tendency for bad behavior in this area (how many people do you know who have a dog that ate the entire yellow pages? Probably at least two), pugs are particularly unrestrained in this regard, rivaling only goats in the inappropriate things on which they are inclined to chew. Let’s face it, some people think goats are satanic, not because of the horns, but because they eat tin cans. Can the pug that tries to eat your desk chair really be that far removed from goblin stock?