Pulse: Starring Kristen Bell, Christina Millian, & Ian Somerhalder

Pulse, the latest in a seemingly endless stream of American bastardizations of Japanese horror films, has the stench of co-writer / producer Wes Craven all over it. Kristen Bell (TV’s Veronica Mars) leads a cast filled with forgettable supporting characters from films such as Biker Boyz, Not Another Teen Movie, and Drumline (noticing a pattern?).

With all that acting prowess, you’d expect to find better performances in a retirement home bedroom, and you’d be right. The cast isn’t so much afraid of the unimpressive Powder-esque ghosts as they are afraid that this may very well be the end of their short-lived careers. Even a brief cameo from Chucky himself, Brad Dourif, is completely laughable.

Pulse is a movie that right from the opening credits has a point to make; Rather than tell the dangers of technology and the countless ways we’ve integrated it into our existence with a story about robots or self-aware computers, the filmmakers instead opted to take the ghost route. Pulse takes the worst parts of films like Cry Wolf, The Ring, and The Grudge, and slaps them all together in an hour-and-a-half film so shoddy and snooze-inducing that you, like the ghosts, will be dying to get out of it.

On the up side, Kristen Bell isn’t exactly hard on the eyes, but the many close-ups don’t do much to hide the fact that she gains about 12 pounds every morning in the make-up trailer. The film itself isn’t anything special to look at, although there are a few nifty, yet extremely brief, dream sequences. The rest of the film just comes off as a poor-mans Matrix, cinematography-wise.

The movie moves at an almost action-flick pacing, and gives away far too much far too soon, just like the commercial. Matter of fact, save the $10 and download the trailer for a much less painful experience. The trailer literally gives away the deaths of every single character, and the apocalyptic ending as well, albeit minus the terrible narration which seems to be Kristen Bell doing her worse impersonation of Linda Hamilton from the end of Terminator 2.

Unless you’re a 12-year old flock of girls and you thought Jason X was robbed at the Academy Awards, Pulse is a complete waste of your time. For a much more frightening and worthwhile movie-going experience, Silent Hill or The Descent is waiting for you. Or if you prefer to laugh with a movie, rather than at it, Talladega Nights should still be playing.