Quaker’s Ranch Flavored Quakes: An Earthquake of Flavor

Quaker’s Ranch Flavored Quakes are miniaturized versions of the Quaker company’s rice patties. They are about the size of Chips Ahoy cookies and they are profoundly delicious. I dig most of the flavors but my favorite Quaker Quakes are the ranch ones. They are so flavorful, it seems like they were rolled on one of those car manufacturer conveyor belts and sprayed from every angle with high powered paint guns full of ranch syrup. They’re yummy.

These Quakes are also really good for you (in theory). I don’t know how they do it, but 16 pieces (AKA: Quakes or chips, as they’re also known) are only 50 calories- or roughly, the caloric content of one Chips Ahoy cookie.

It actually kind of scares me. How can something that I find so tasty be so low in calories? I mean, they’re also filling. I usually don’t eat more than ten at a time. I would understand it better if they tasted like cardboard (as one might expect) but they don’t, they are scumscious. So what gives?

I’m kind of scared about this actually. I feel that I’m going to wake up to a CNN report along the lines ofâÂ?¦ “The people at Quaker Oats have recalled all of their Ranch Flavored Quakes from grocery stores across the country. It turns out that the chemicals used to create the super tasty ranch flavoring are actually deadly. If you’ve consumed any of Quaker’s Ranch Flavored Quakes, well, you’re screwed. You’re probably going to die in like two weeks.”

Okay, I was just trying to be funny (ha ha). That’s not going to happen. But that’s how good these little Quakes are, you know. It’s like they’re too good. I keep waiting for some news report that will make them inedible (for me anyway). For instance, I read something recently that shocked me about corn. It turns out non-organic corn will make you infertile or something (I don’t know, I threw the magazine in the garbage before I finished reading- that kind of shit frightens the hell out of me).

But look at me, I’m being silly. Is this a product review or a conspiracy theory (rimshot!)? The best thing about Quaker’s Ranch Flavored Quakes (other than the flavor, which I hope I’ve described a little bit) is the lightness. These Quakes are literally weightless (in theory). But they’re chewy, so they fill you up. A good marketing tagline would read, “Chewy yet weightlessâÂ?¦a filling snack that won’t make you fat, Quaker’s QuakesâÂ?¦now available in Ranch.”

For as long as I can remember I’ve loved the flavor of ranch. I pretty much like any flavor named after architectural adjectives (though I can’t think of any other than ranch- skyscraper would be a good name for a flavor). However, I hate light or diet ranch products (for instance, light ranch dressing). So it’s even more shocking I enjoy these Quakes as much as I do (because of their lack of calories, I associate them with the so-called “light” or “diet” foods). My enjoyment of this product is one of the greatest mysteries of my life, it’s that simple. And I lead a very mysterious life.