Rabbit Growth Hormone Rocks the Track and Field World
The IAA began to suspect foul play after several athletes began shattering records and then rapidly thumping their feet on the ground in excitement. Three weeks ago, an anonymous informant sent a syringe with an unknown substance and three carrot stubs to the head of the Track and Field Federation. The substance was immediately sent for testing and was found to be the new drug, RGH.
Experts point to Rabbit Growth Hormone as the only plausible explanation for the recent “jump” in broken records. Last month, Richard Broderick broke the world long jump record by more than 58 yards. Just one day later, the triple jump record was shattered by Broderick’s main rival, Mario Liopart, who’s total jump was an astounding 1.3 miles.
“We figured there was something suspicious when people started clearing the equivalent of 17 story buildings in the pole vault, but we never had proof until now,” explained the Track and Field spokesman George McManus. Other abnormalities were detected as well. A surprisingly large amount of the female athletes have given birth during this expo, some of them multiple times. Biologists have commented that this speed of reproduction is uncommon given the gestation period for humans.
Blood tests from the last year have been sent to labs for testing that can reveal any presence of RGH. Since the testing began, almost half of all tests have been positive, including Mario Liopart’s sample after his 1.3 mile triple jump. “After the test was positive yesterday, we broke into his room at the Expo and noticed 10 empty shaving cream cans in his room, along with 7 used razor blades on his floor,” investigator James revealed. “He was obviously trying to shave off his adorable bunny tail.”
When asked about the test results Mario dismissed them. “Look, what I did out there was from hard work and determination, I have never, ever, taken RGH or any other performance enhancing drug.” Mario then reached into his car and pulled what looked like a bag full of carrots out from the passenger seat, before hopping into his house.
Many athletes contend that they have never heard of RGH and don’t know of anyone using it. However, when pressured to comment on this controversial subject, most of the athletes responded with, “What’s up, Doc?” and continued to call the IAA “a bunch of maroons.”
Some researchers think that the athletes are only hurting themselves in the long run. “Our studies are showing that long term exposure to RGH may result in a dependency on vitamin B for eyesight retention,” explained Dr. Leroy Germane. “Additionally, most people in our study became skittish around other humans and had unsustainable ear growth that collapsed their cartilage.” Former slugger Jose Canseco counters such reports, claiming that, “RGH is being used by every person alive today. I am sure of it and will live to 180 years old. I also only drink from a suspended bottle with a metal spout and don’t find anything wrong with that.”
Four deaths have been connected to RGH overdoses since the investigation started. Three of these deaths result from uncontrollable ear infections, and another was from suffocation after an unnamed high jumper leapt out of the earth’s atmosphere. His performance, however, was disqualified due to new rules requiring landing to occur within one hour of take off.
The World Listening Championship (WLC) is also investigating the possible exploitation of RGH by its participants. However, anonymous sources have informed us that EGH, or Elephant Growth Hormone, has already replaced RGH as their preferred drug. “Elephants have bigger ears than rabbits. It’s a fact,” explained an anonymous professional listener, who has won the WLC for five consecutive years.
