Raising a Child with Reactive Attachment Disorder

There was once a little girl who could illustrate a poignant visage of childhood; almond shaped eyes and black pig tails. Her father once wrote that she was outwardly beautiful, pleasant, convincing and charming, but unreachable, untrustworthy, distant, and full of rage but didn’t know why.

Now she knows but it was an arduous, painful, and exhausting journey; one that may never be completed but is more comfortable to travel than before.

This little girl was born into a troubled family, more her mother’s fault than anyone else’s and at four months of age she was left; abandoned and subsequently moved from home to home; five homes in all by the time she was two and a half. There was never one adult who was constant with attention, although her needs appeared to be met, and that little girl soon learned that adults could not be trusted – that they were the enemy, and most of all, dangerous to her well being.

She loved other little children, and felt especially protective of animals and younger kids whom she empathized with and doted upon. They were part of her world, but adults weren’t – they were merely wolves in sheep’s clothing, and while some could be nice, they represented fear and uncertainty. It was best to keep them at arms distant and she didâÂ?¦but she never knew why and most little ones don’tâÂ?¦.

She remembered a little boy who was older than her and took care of her. He could be trusted because he was little, like her, and she felt his love because he was consistent and non-threatening.

It was the foster father who scared her and she would often get out of bed in the middle of the night and sleep under the bed with her dolls and stuffed animals so he wouldn’t find her.

She began to like her foster mother because she was pleasant to look at, kind, and spoke to her in a nice tone of voice, but then, one day, she disappeared and the little girl was moved again – torn from her foster mother and the boy she grew to love.

She remembers the first time she saw her new parents. They were friendly, but strangers nonetheless, and their size made her feel vulnerable and she knew she was because she had no place where she belonged; even in her new home where everyone looked different and she knew that she had no history with them. Yes, she knew this at two and a half because she had an impeccable memory and was very in tune with her surroundings.

She liked strangers because they weren’t ominous, but she feared adults closest to her because her very life was in their hands and she knew it, and she was aware that she couldn’t protect herself from them because she was so very little.

As time went by her petulance was met with misunderstanding and she was alienated further, and eventually abused, both physically and emotionally, and years later abandoned for good, which exacerbated the problem. You see, back then there was little awareness as to what this little girl’s problem was so there was no intervention, and no help.

What this little girl had was RAD: Reactive Attachment Disorder; a psychological and neurological disorder that occurs during the first two years of life when a child does not attach and bond properly to their primary caregiver because of extended separation from a caregiver, neglect, abuse, or having had multiple caregivers in the first two years of life.

Attachment develops when a child is consistently comforted and cared for, making the child feel safe, secure, and loved. When this care is disrupted, a child develops rage, and that strong emotion is borne from fear and the consequence of that is suffering – for both the child and her family who are unable to understand since RAD is not a common disorder.

Anger is a familiar emotion to a neglected child and anger feels powerful, while sadness feels weak. Basically, anger is the weapon of choice because it is the first emotion learned and the hardest one to control. The abysmal consequence is that the child does not learn cause and effect and has a hard time forming relationships with others, which can continue into adulthood and since this problem is so severe and yet so misunderstood, oftentimes people react to it in ways that aggravate the problem, instead of helping to heal it. In other words, some people react to the child, reinforcing the child’s belief that adults are bad.

The little girl I’m writing about didn’t meet all the criteria for a RAD diagnosis and I believe not all RAD children will, because, while this little girl had many of the symptoms, she knew how to love and she felt empathy from an early age and she was protective of those smaller than herself, as well as animals because they needed care themselves.

However, as this little girl grew she couldn’t accept hugs or feelings of closeness or connection with those in her immediate family because closeness felt uncomfortable and even unnatural and thus something that was insufferable to the child. She wishes she could have been close but couldn’t be, but that didn’t stop her ability to love.

She was able to make friends and to keep them, and also had good relationships with those of the opposite sex, but again, it was because they were her peers – people she could relate to, and adults were still the ones to fear and she learned most were unkind.

Eventually her family disintegrated and she was told she wasn’t welcome or wanted by her mom and then her dad, with whom she felt connected to, and dearly loved, died suddenly, leaving her exposed and more alone than ever.

Time passed and eventually her wounds were treated, and some were healed and no one would guess as to what she had been: A child with RAD.

Unfortunately, there is no ‘right’ way to ‘cure’ a child with RAD, but there are ways to cope and one way won’t be the right way for all families.

Children with RAD often feel very alone in the world, like they don’t belong anywhere or to anyone. Believe me, they want to feel like they’re part of someone and belong in a family. That belonging helps them form a strong identity and not feel so exposed and lonely in a world that has always been menacing to them.

Children with RAD know when they misbehave, but when little, can’t control or understand where their anger is coming from. Most want to be close to their parents, but can’t be so oftentimes they will choose someone to be close in their stead, offering themselves a buffer, but also angering them further because jealousy can erupt.

Explain to a child with RAD that, “yes, I would imagine you are feeling very hurt, alone, and angry right now,” instead of punishing the child for emotions they can’t control, or lecturing them, or worse, lashing out at them.

I believe the strongest form of help to a child with RAD is to empathize as best you can and to be consistent.

A child with RAD will attempt to push you away because they don’t believe that they’re deserving of love, even though they desperately want it. Do not smother the child or make the child feel uncomfortable by holding them. They are frightened of that and it causes them to close off. Instead, give the child some space and let them know you understand that they must be feeling very upset.

This is contrary to what parents know, and are taught, but children with RAD aren’t ‘normal.’ They will never react the same way an attached child will and have to be treated differently.

These children do not always believe that they’re right and everyone else is wrong, even when they manipulate. They just want to be heard and to feel as if someone cares enough to attempt to understand where they’re coming from.

It takes a strong and patient person with a heart full of unconditional love to raise a child with RAD, but believe me, if a child with RAD knows they’re loved, they will love in return and where one child might take their parents for granted, a child with RAD will be grateful, even when they don’t always show it, because they feel it, but can’t express their gratitude due to their apprehension.

The worst thing someone can do to a child with RAD is to prove their belief that all adults are cruel and not to be trusted. Further abuse or abandonment of a child with RAD will only feed their anger and intensify their pain and as troubled as these kids appear, they are still worthy of love, and many of them grow up and overcome their problems, so keep hope alive because she’s there.

Thankfully, today, there are support groups and resources available to network families of children with RAD, and even adults who have attachment disorders and there is a heightened sense of awareness regarding this disorder, offering more hope than ever before.