Ranking the 8 Planets: Now that Pluto’s Out, It’s Time to Do Some Celestial Cleaning

At first, I was terribly sad that Pluto was getting the nix in terms of planetdom. Nine was such a good number; I don’t really know why they had to go changing things. Because, you know, it’s like Billy Joel saidâÂ?¦

“Don’t go changing, to try and please me
You never let me down before
Don’t imagine you’re too familiar
And I don’t see you anymore”

This is exactly how I feel about Pluto. Ever since they downsized its status as a planet, it’s been pretty much dead to me. I hate to admit it because it makes me seem so shallow, but I had to break it off with Pluto. It would have been harder on the kids if we had tried to stick together. And nobody wants to see that.

So I’m single again and I’m really looking for another planet (I’m done with the whole human thing). I’ve decided to rank the remaining eight planets before I make my final decision. This is probably the best way to teach children the new 8-planet schema. And when the technology arrives we’ll worry about arranging them in the proper order (literally). Here goesâÂ?¦

8. Uranus: Why does every kid make the “Your Anus” joke with this planet? It’s so childish, children should know better. But, with that said, I can’t really see myself with a planet named Uranus. What would mom and dad think?

7. Saturn: Saturn is huge. It is the second biggest planet and ‘second biggest’ means there’s one larger (foreshadowing). Plus, what’s with all those rings? Sometimes I think that it’s got something.

6. Venus: They say women are from Venus, but I disagree with that. If women were from Venus than I would be way more attracted to this planet. Although this planet did inspire a kickass song from Bananarama.

5. Mercury: Too small. I don’t think I could ever be with a planet this small. I realize Mercury makes Pluto look like Mr. T in Rocky III, but that’s beside the point. The point is that Mercury makes Pluto look like Osama bin Laden when it comes to kindness. Mercury may reside right next to the sun, but it’s as cold as ice.

4. Earth: You never forget your true love.

3. Neptune: Neptune is a totally awesome, really mature, fun-loving planet, but it’s also the Greek name for the God of the Sea. I’ve never really been with a God, a Goddess-yes, but not a God. I guess there’s a first time for everything.

2. Mars: I think that the most underrated candy bar of all time is the Mars bar. It’s simple, but so elegant. It’s a lot like Mars the planet in that respect.

1. Jupiter: Remember before when I teased you about a planet that was actually bigger than Saturn. Well, this is it: Jupiter. Jupiter is like a million times the size of Pluto and while I used to think that size didn’t matter, I’ve started to change my tune. Just once I would like to know what it’s like to have the biggest planet in the world. And if I have my way with this list, I just might get my wish.