Reacting to a Cheating Spouse
It is an all too common fact of life. Spouses and partners cheat. The reasons are many, but the end result is the same. Any trust you had in the person is shot. However, the big question is – How do you react when you learn that a spouse or a partner is cheating? The possibilities are endless. You could turn a blind eye and take the “out of sight, out of mind” approach. You could start cheating yourself. You could confront them in blow out fashion. Or you could even call the show “Cheaters” and see if you could possibly turn your problem into a reality segment. However, many people don’t realize that the incorrect reaction to a cheating spouse or partner can actually cause more problems for you.
Say for instance that you have children with your partner and you learn they are cheating. If you react in anger and initiate a fight, or, as one Texas woman did, run the spouse down with a Lexus, or if you otherwise react irrationally, your relationship with your children could be in jeopardy. Or, say that after you learned of the infidelity, you chose to keep your children from your spouse or partner you could also jeopardize your relationship with the children. You want to make sure that your reaction doesn’t cause problems for you
The goal of this article is to discuss several different avenues for approaching the problem of a cheating spouse or partner.
1. Make sure that the spouse or partner is really cheating.
Often suspicion of a cheating spouse is the first thing that comes to light. This could be in the way of the stereotypical lipstick on the collar or the matchbook with a phone number to Betty from next door whispering what she heard from Jane down the street. This is dangerous information. As terrible as it is to have a cheating spouse or partner, it is almost as bad to have a partner or spouse who easily accepts the conclusion that infidelity has occurred and jumps to conclusions on suspicion alone. If you suspect cheating, you need to be sure before you open a door that can’t be closed. To confirm cheating, pay close attention to your spouse or partner. Look for changes in established patterns. Is your partner paying more attention to their physical appearance? Have they been going to the gym more? Dressing differently? Using new, more progressive, even sexy, grooming styles? Are they having more after hour’s work commitments? Traveling more? Taking phone calls out of your presence? You get the picture. If there are changes then you perhaps should look deeper. Watch cell phone usage, check unfamiliar numbers or odd call times. Look at credit card receipts or excessive cash withdrawals. Even check for excessive miles on their car. There is no one thing that will confirm a cheating spouse, but the more red flags that come up, the more you should dig deeper. The point to remember here is that you want to be observant, but you don’t want to pretend to be an investigator. You can cause more harm than good by playing investigator.
2. Talk to your spouse or partner.
This may sound like a recipe for disaster and if, when you consider this, you don’t think there is a way that you can do it rationally, consider it no further. However, if you are able, you want to consider talking to them. Sometimes a spouse or partner wants to be caught and wants to talk. The reason you consider talking to your spouse or partner after they have cheated is if you want to try to work through the problem. If you do, you need to decide why the spouse or partner did what they did. If you can isolate the reason for the infidelity, then there may be a chance that your relationship can be saved. If this is the way you decide to go, you need to be prepared to consider the assistance of a professional marriage counselor or some other third party to help you through what will be a difficult time in you relationship. Your relationship will need to be rebuilt, but if there was a quality relationship there before, there can be afterwards, but both parties must want to salvage things. However, if you can speak to your spouse or partner, you may be able to end things here.
3. Leave actual confirmation to the experts.
If you feel you have enough information and a sound belief that your spouse is actually cheating, then it is time to call in the professionals. The last thing you want to do is to follow your spouse or partner yourself. You risk being discovered and such a scenario is a power keg ready to blow if there is a confrontation. If you are caught spying on your spouse, you can rest assured that they will stop what they have been doing and you will never be able to establish their infidelity. Hire a professional private investigator to confirm the activity for you. Private Investigators are able to do their job without being discovered and as unbiased third parties they have no stake in the process. Their evidence is admissible in Court without prejudice whereas a spouses or partner’s testimony would not be as credible. Sure you will have to pay them, but they are worth the investment.
4. Consult an attorney.
Once you professionally confirm that your spouse or partner has been cheating, consult a qualified attorney to discuss legal options. If all else has failed, you must proceed legally. An attorney can guide you through the process and discuss options for you as you move forward. Follow their counsel and don’t take matters into your own hands.
5. Talk to someone.
It helps to talk about the problem. Keeping it in will only hurt. Find a friend or support group with whom you can share what you are going through. However, remember you are talking about how you are feeling, what emotions you are experiencing and learning how to cope with the situation. Refrain from bashing your spouse or partner. Everyone will realize they have made a mistake. However, talking only of blame and revenge will never help the situation and will only force you to stay with the situation and will keep you from moving beyond it.
6. Understand that the situation is not your fault.
Unless you said to your spouse or partner, “Cheat, I don’t mind.” The situation is not your fault. It will be painful, you will feel responsible and you will want revenge; however, the manner that you need to approach this problem is with a cool head and an even hand. Don’t dwell on the situation and move on beyond it. If your spouse or partner makes the decision to ruin their relationship, let them deal with the loss. Don’t be pulled onto their sinking ship.
Dealing with this kind of situation is stressful and difficult. However, if you approach it with a plan and understanding of the situation, you will be able to work through it. And remember, turning a blind eye to a cheating spouse or partner is the same as encouraging them to continue what they are doing.
