Rebuilding a Marriage Following Infidelity
Some couples, however, decide that they can try to work through their marital problems and renew their love in time. This is obviously much more difficult than giving up on the relationship, and most certainly entails a long, hard journey filled with bitter arguments and painful tears. But at the end of that rocky road, you might find that your relationship is stronger than ever, and that you are happier than you have ever been.
Reworking and re-instating a relationship following a major breach of trust is an invitation to examine the most intimate details of a union and find the source of the problem. Typically, infidelity is the result of other deeply rooted psychological issues that prevent a couple from truly becoming close. Maybe a tragic event occurred or one partner is feeling neglected; unless the reason is pure disrespect for the other half of the relationship, meaning can be found through therapy and open conversation.
1. Make sure you are doing what you really want.
Rather than discussing this with your partner, take time for inner reflection. Visit a relative in another state for a few days or move in with a friend until your mind clears. Establish exactly what your motivations are for staying with your partner, and to what lengths you are willing to travel in the interest of rebuilding your marriage.
2. Leave the snide comments at the door.
As you begin the process of talking and sharing and communicating, refrain from slinging insults and snide comments at your partner. He or she knows that you are angry, hurt and upset, and firing nasty comments will only make the process that much more difficult. “Build a bridge instead of digging a dam” as you begin to talk, because healing can only take place once you are past the hurtful stage.
3. Don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.
Questions about the longevity of your spouse’s affair are acceptable because you deserve to know how long this has been happening. You can also ask about where they met and how he or she truly feels about this other person because it will help to clarify the situation. However, spare yourself the heartache and refrain from asking about the details of their affair. You don’t want to know about their sexual encounters or their deceitful rendezvous. It will only serve to force you backward in the healing process.
4. See a therapist.
Many people balk at the mention of therapy, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a professional about your problems. Your spouse may not want to visit a therapist because he or she is worried that blame will be placed and that private concerns will be dragged into the open, but you should seriously consider finding a psychologist or counselor together. I recommend that you schedule both private visits and joint visits in case there are things you would rather discuss alone.
Marriage counselors are available almost anywhere, and general practice psychologists can also be helpful. Choose a therapist with whom you are able to comfortably communicate, and who doesn’t place blame on either of you. Yes, one partner committed infidelity, but there are almost certainly thing that both of you need to work on.
5. Spend time together and apart.
This isn’t a time for spending every moment together, but you should likewise not become estranged from one another. Each person needs time to reflect privately on the marriage and their feelings, but you should also schedule activities together. See movies, go out to dinner, and sit at home and talk. Try to leave the infidelity out of casual conversation, and save your intense discussions for therapy.
6. Leave the children out of it.
Obviously, if you have children together, the situation is further complicated. Chances are your kids know exactly what is going on, even if you haven’t told them. Children are acutely perceptive, especially to the goings-on among parents, so expect that they might have questions. You, your spouse, and possibly your therapist should talk about how to handle that side of the situation, and you might want to bring your children in for sessions with your counselor. No matter how difficult a time you and your spouse are having, your children’s feelings should not be neglected.
If you and your spouse have an argument, do it away from the prying eyes and ears of your children. Don’t ever use them as battering rams, threatening to take them away or to expose the unfaithful partner. Your children don’t deserve to be placed in the middle of your arguments, and you should never use them as bartering devices.
7. Recognize sincerity when you hear it.
This is a time to be completely objective in your views of your partner. When you feel yourself become too emotional, take a moment to collect yourself. Don’t allow your anger or fear to cloud your judgement and hide things that might otherwise be obvious. If your spouse says something and you can tell that it’s sincere, recognize that and validate his or her statement. “Yeah, right,” and “I’m sure,” are not acceptable responses to sincere attempts at apologies or explanations.
Conversely, if you feel that your spouse is being less-then-sincere, call him or her on it, but not sarcastically. Instead of saying, “Yeah, sure you did,” simply say, “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you.” Let that statement be a starting ground for further discussion.
You are approaching a difficult time in your life, but I applaud your decision to try and work it out. With perseverance, bravery, and determination, you and your spouse can rebuild your marriage and discover whatever love you might have lost along the way.
