Road Trip

Recently, a local media outlet was discussing peaceful Southern Minnesota towns. They described the state as “wholesome” and “peaceful” and the phrase “Minnesota Nice” entered the conversation several times.

In listening to this titillating conversation I was reminded of an experience that I had at a rest stop in Sothern Minnesota not that long ago. I used travel frequently for my job and learned, by trial and error, that Minnesota, usually has fairly decent rest areas. This state’s rest stops are usually clean, fully stocked with toilet paper and well lit. (The top three elements I consider crucial in making my personal hygiene experience a positive one.)

Well it was the middle of a beautiful spring day, when I stopped in the rest area just north of the Iowa border. After completing my “business” I was standing by the vending machines. Having purchased my sixth diet Coke of the day, I was debating between selecting peanut M&M’s or plain M&M’s to complete my lunch. I had decided to go with the peanut M&M’s (for the protein) and was about to put my $1.50 in the machine when a well-dressed middle-aged man approached me.

“Excuse me,” he said. “May I ask you a question?”

Being a seasoned “road warrior” and veteran of at least three business trips, I knew exactly how to handle being approached by a stranger. I eyeballed him carefully before I responded. Yeah, no one was gonna pull a fast one on this woman.

He was a white guy, probably in his fifties, wearing a gray suit, probably from JC Penney’s, with a standard issues executive-wanna-be- red-power-tie. He stood about six feet tall and was balding. He had on black polished wingtips and was carrying a faux leather briefcase. All things considered he looked fairly safe. He looked like someone’s father who was traveling for business.

“Sure.” I responded, smiling and turning away from the vending machine to face him. He was probably going to ask me for the time or for directions to Blue Earth, Minnesota. (Both of which I could have provided with some accuracy.)

Looking at me very seriously, he politely inquired, “OK. I was just wondering if I gave you $20 – cash – could I watch you pee?”

“Uh, no.” I replied as my smile rapidly disappeared. Just my luck -the only pervert in the five-county area and he finds me! God, I am such freak magnet!

We stood there awkwardly facing each other when he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Are you sure? It would be a cash transaction.” (Like, I would take a check or credit card?)

“Um… yeah, I’m sure. No.” I said and turned back to the vending machine.

“OK.” He said and walked off as if he had just asked for and been told the time of day.

A few seconds later, after getting ripped off by the vending machine and spending $3.00 for a bag of peanut M&M’s, I heard a very familiar voice ask another woman “OK. I was just wondering if I gave you $25 – cash – could I watch you pee?”

Rather than stick around to hear his reply, I just shook my head and walked towards my car.

Then it dawned on me – he had offered her $25! Why did she get offered $5 more?!?! What did she have that I didn’t?

Figures that a pervert would try to rip me off -even in Southern Minnesota.