Roommate Conflict: How to Talk to Your College Roommate

I have worked in Residence Life at a collegiate setting for four years and have counseled quite a few students who experience roommate conflict. Sometimes roommates hit it off and become great friends, while other times problems arise quickly. Most roommate conflict can be solved fairly easily by simply talking to your roommate soon after you feel the conflict arise. However, many students find that actually sitting down to talk to a roommate about a problem can be very difficult. Taking time to think about how to talk to your roommate when conflict arises is important so that small things do not get blown out of proportion. It’s important to be aware of expectations for one another as roommates so that you can successfully bring up sensitive issues. It’s also important to know your limitations, including when to seek staff members for help.

How are your expectations?

First, are your expectations of your roommate realistic? Before you bite the bullet to talk to your roommate about the conflict, are you sure it’s worth worrying about? If it is something little that is bothering you because you are feeling stress in other areas of your life try to let it slide. I once had a student come to me who was upset because her roommate had left her socks on the floor for more than 24 hours and she simply could not talk to her roommate about it. The rest of the room was pristine but for some reason the fact that she had left her socks on the floor was her boiling point. When we talked it through, it turned out that she was really directing her stress and anger about a paper she was worrying about toward her roommate. Since her roommate did not have a paper due the following week, she felt that her roommate had ample time to pick up her socks. Sounds a little loony to an objective person but when you are in the situation it’s easy to get bothered by minor annoyances. Try to stay grounded and think about when it’s important to talk to your roommate about conflict. Is it your problem or theirs?

Talk to your roommate about the conflict.

If the problem really is something that is continually bothersome, then it’s important to figure out how to actually talk to your roommate. Find a time when you both can focus on communicating well. It may sound cheesy, but you will need to use “I” statements when you talk to your roommate about a conflict you are having. Perhaps every time you are in the room studying your roommate decides to blast Metallica. You should use an “I” statement that reflects how it makes you feel when they are acting a certain way. Think about how you want to say it ahead of time, instead of just blurting it out. For example:

“I feel like it’s hard for me to work on my paper when you are playing your music so loud, do you think you could turn it down when I am studying?”

You do not want to make accusatory statements since this will only make your roommate feel defensive. Talk to them like you would like to be talked to. Here is an example of what NOT to say:

“You are making me fail my classes because your damn music is on so loud all the time!”

When you use “I” statements you are focusing on your roommate’s behavior and how it affects you. 9 times out of 10 your roommate probably has no idea that what they are doing is bothering you. It’s that 1 other time that behavior is intentional, that you probably will need to talk to a staff member about the conflict.

Use the staff members in your building, they are a resource!

Student and/or professional staff members work on college campuses to help with exactly this sort of thing. Conflict is inevitable and normal, so it’s important to get help if you feel that you cannot talk to your roommate on your own. Some people just feel it is impossible to talk to their roommate about conflict without feeling like attacking them; a third party can help facilitate this process. Be sure to use this resource so that you can continue living peacefully. At most colleges you will find student staff members who can help, usually called RAs (Resident Advisors) and professional staff members, RHDs (Residence Hall Directors). Your conflict may even necessitate a room change.

Roommate conflict can affect every part of your life while in college if you cannot seek a solution. Spend time in the beginning of the year to visit expectations of one another so that it’s easy to talk to your roommate when conflict arises. If you have an open mind and can communicate well, try to talk to your roommate on your own. Roommate conflict is common in college and can be solved in most situations. If not, it is wise to seek help from professional staff members who have experience with conflict situations.