Sailor Jerry’s: A Bottle That’s Worth Its Weight in Booty

Many pirates, such as I, like to wrap their fingers around a cold bottle of booze. Whether the weekend’s arrived or the eastern winds are low, it’s good to kick back over a cold drink; rally up the scallywag crew from their ratholes and pour out for some quick fun on the poop deck. And I’m not barking ’bout no Grog neither, we drink this: Sailor Jerry’s. Sailor Jerry’s and only Sailor Jerry’s.

Why? Because Sailor Jerry’s funny, that’s why. And I’m a funny kind of pirate, ‘specially when I’m drinking… yarrr! Yeah, we get along real well, Jerry and I. Ask any of the scumdogs you see lying around this ship and they’ll all tell ya the same: Jerry’s a friend o’ mine.

See all these skull tattoos? Jerry – the one and only Sailor Jerry – gave those to me. Dat doesn’t mean he helped me earn ’em, though… yarrr!

Aside from his tattoos, he’s got some damn good drink. Tattoos and booze: that’s what Jerry’s all about, and I love him for it. We love him for it, don’t we boys? Yarrr! Drink that and tell me it’s not great rum… then I’ll stick you with my hook.

Did you know it’s 92 proof? Oh, of course you did; you’d better watch what you say on my ship; her name’s the Merry Maiden and she’s got a pretty plank. Now drink.

When we land ashore, I’ll mix you some S.J. with O.J. to get the scurvy out of your system. Yarrr, vitamin C, yarrr. Maybe we’ll buy some sassafras from the local soda jerk, mix you up something that’ll make you sneeze. It’s also quite delectable with Diet Coke and lime. YARRR!

But mixing’s fer landlovers; on the sea, we drink it straight. Sometimes with cheese. But ol’ Jerry’s so smooth, it’s really all you need – straight rum. Jerry told me that, he was a sailor. No, I am not rambling drunkenly.

I thought I told you to drink!

That’s more like it; put some hair on your chest. This is Sailor Jerry’s, so enjoy it.

‘Snot no Captain Morgan’s.

Ask any of these scumdogs and they’ll tell you I know him too, and obviously he ain’t like Jerry. I hate to have to whisper it to you like this but Morgan’s a bit of a shirt lifter, if you know what I mean. Cooks up his rum so he might get the pants off his employees. That’s why he always has that grin, likes to put his leg up on things. I got on his ship just as quick as I got off, yar.
I’ll drink to that. Yeah, Sailor Jerry – he’s a friend o’ mine.