Search Tips for Adult Adoptees Looking for Birth Parents
I write this tips article for adult adoptees and foster children as I am a strong proponent of “open records.” I believe every person has a birth given right to know who they are and where they and their ancestors come from.
I believe, if states will not pass open records for adult adoptees, then the adoptee has the right to search if they so choose. I do not believe this right should be extended to minors.
I also include foster children because of my own situation. I was placed for adoption at birth but instead ended up in the foster care system until I aged out at age eighteen. I had been totally disconnected from my birth family. Sometimes a foster child’s search can be as difficult as an adoptee’s.
I wish many of the tips I am including here were available to me at the time of my own search. However, despite my limitations, my search was successful.
Before you to decide to begin a search be sure prepare yourself emtonally, mentally and physically for the journey ahead. It could be long and painful and may not produce the results you are looking for.
The tips listed below are not listed by importance, only you can determine which might be important to you and what priority it is given.
TIPS
1. Create a search journal; this will assist you in keep track of the steps you have taken in your search.
2. Discuss the search with your adoptive parentsor foster parents; they may be willing to assist you in your search or be able to provide you with necessary information. Remember to let them know that you love them and your need to search does not nor will not affect your relationship with them. This will hep them to not feel threatened by your need to search.
3. As early in your search as possible, if you have a computer with Internet access; join Adoption and Genealogy newsgroups and/or support groups. They can not only provide resources to search but also moral support during your search process.
4. Create a brief web site with information you already have available to you. Be sure to include a photo of you as a child as well as a recent one. Also be sure to include key words in “meta tags” to help search engines or people who may be looking for you locate you.
5. Locate your Amended Birth Certificate
6. Obtain a copy of your Final decree of Adoption
7. Obtain your Petition to Adopt
8. Contact the Adoption Agency; to obtain non-identifying information. You may also accidentally or on purpose receive information you might not expect.
9. Contact the law firm or attorney who assisted in your adoption; for the same reason as above.
10. Contact your delivery physician; again for the same reason above.
11. File Waiver of Confidentiality with the adoption agency, law firm and courts. This means you will allow information to be released to a birth parent or sibling in the event they are searching for you.
12. Apply for medical records from the hospital where your birth occurred; this you should only do if you have the name of your birth mother. Adoption should not be mentioned as you may find this avenue immediately closed to you.
13. Attempt to retrieve your original Birth Certificate ( pre-adoption ); you probably won’t receive it but you have nothing to lose by requesting it.
14. Formally petition the court to open your adoption records; to receive identifying information the court will a reason. An example would be a medical reason to know and contact. Unfortunately this has not proven very successful but again an avenue to try.
15. Register with the International Soundex Reunion Registry ( ISSR ); also if your state in which you were adopted has a Adoption Registry be sure to register with it. This allows the registry to release information if family is looking for you.
16. Check both County and State records for marriage or divorce records for either birth parent; if you know the names of your birth parent this will be a very useful tool, especially if your birth parents were in fact at one time married.
17. Learn about the adoption laws for your state; ignorance of the law is not an acceptable excuse.
18. Check county or state death records for birth parents and both grandparents; this record will include who provided the information on the certificate as well as the funeral home involved. The funeral home could provide you names, addresses and possibly phone numbers of survivor. Requesting my paternal grandfather’s death certificate on a hunch that he was deceased is what unlocked all the doors for me in the search for my birth mother.
19. Send for a copy of Where to Write for Birth, Marriage, Divorce, and Death Records available from: Superintendent of Documents, U.S. Government Printing Office, Washington, D.C., 20402.
20. Write to Adoption Regulation Unit to access your adoption records.
21. Order copy of The Guide to Genealogical Records in the National Archives from: The National Archives, Washington, D.C. 20408. You will also want to check the tips I provide for genealogical research as some of them could be useful to you.
22. Find maps for the area where you are searching.
23. Create a profile of the hometowns or regions where each of your birth parents is said to have been from.
24. Create a list of all the libraries in your area and the areas where you are focusing your search. They will be a good source for finding obituaries for family members who may be deceased. The obituaries will list survivors which may lead you to your birth family.
25. Check local newspapers from where you were born for birth announcements.
26. Check local newspapers from the area where your birth parents were born for their birth announcements Check local newspapers for wedding,& engagement announcements for your birth parents.
27. Check in old city directories to try to locate your birth parents or other relatives. I tracked my maternal grandfather for over thirty years using this resource. When he suddenly disappeared is when I decided to request a death certificate from the state.
28. Check in city directories to match an occupation to a name. Some older city directories actually listed companies where people worked. Finding out where my paternal grandfather had one time worked led me to my birth father’s sister and eventually to my birth father.
29. Cross reference city directory information year by year.
30. Check in city directories to locate old addresses of birth parents & possible neighbors. Former neighbors of a birth parent may be able to tell you where they might be now.
31. Check phone books & national telephone directory discs for birth relatives.
32. List yourself in the telephone directory of your area where you were born, and in the area where you live now. An unlisted number could lead to a dead end for someone who might be searching for you.
33. Locate all churches of the faith of your birth parents in the area where they were living at the time of your birth & now.
34. Check any possible surnames against a book of name deviations.
35. Check local churches in the area where you were born for any baptismal, marriage or death records.
36. Check local churches in areas where.you believe your birth parents may have resided for their own baptismal, marriage, or death records.
37. Join a local or national search & support organization, and sign up in their registry if they maintain one. Support of others during the very stressful search process will prove invaluable to you and they may also be able to provide tips and clues for you to use.
38. Create your own library of search & reunion books.
39. Advertise in adoption search magazines. Be sure to list your “birth name” if you know it as well as your “adoptive name.”
40. Advertise in newspapers where you believe your birth parents may now reside.
41. Order a copy of How to Locate Anyone Who Is or Has Been in the Military 1-800-937-2133.
42. Contact old neighbors for forwarding addresses and other possible information.
43. Visit old neighborhoods in person to locate past acquaintances of your birth parents.
44. Check with former employers about possible forwarding addresses of birth parents.
45. Check old high school & college yearbooks in the areas of your search.
46. Check with high school or college reunion chairman about the current address of a birth parent or request a list of entire class.
47. Contact a private investigator or consultant; this I suggest only if all else leads to a dead end. Investigate any investigator before hiring them.
48. Request from the court that finalized your adoption the appointment of a Court Investigator. The investigator will attempt their best to locate a birth parent or sibling. However, they will only be able to provide non-identifying information directly to you. They will ask you to write a letter to the person found without identifying information. All communication will be through the CI. Only if the person found agrees to have contact made can the CI then assist in a reunion or the exchange of identifying information.
49. Leave no stone unturned…you never know where you might find the gold nugget of information you have been looking for!
If you are successful in your search and wish for a reunion I strongly suggest you consider the following prior to agreeing to one:
1. Think about the reasons you want to reunite with your parent, child or sibling.
2. Remember, they have a family and so do you. You can’t turn the clock back or expect to fill the role that you have not played all these years. You are adults, strangers with genetic ties, coming together to build a relationship. Be realistic about the role that you feel you can play in their life and vice versa.
3. You must go into the reunion with realistic expectancies, not fanciful hopes.
4. If you make someone out to be perfect, you are guaranteed to be disappointed. People get hurt when they have unrealistic expectations, and those expectancies are dashed. These unrealistic expectancies can set you up for failure. It is not what happens in people’s lives that upsets them, it’s whether or not what happens in their lives is what they expected that upsets them. Don’t allow yourself to think that everything in your life will suddenly be resolved overnight once you reunite, or you will be let down.
5. A reunion is an event, but the relationship is a process that needs time to unfold. You have to really work to build a relationship and you have to be patient. Start out with the goal of finding something that is comfortable for everybody, and don’t put any pressure on yourself.
6. Allow a natural evolution of things to take place. Like all relationships, expect your relationship with the person you have reunited to go up and down. Your best chance for having a good relationship long term is to take it slow and move at a measured pace. This is a marathon and not a sprint. Be patient and let it unfold naturally, so that it will be lasting. You don’t want to do anything that would cause this coming together to separate you again.
Might I make one final suggestion. If you find your birth parents, child ir sibling and a reunion is planned here is an idea for a gift. Make a book which might include pictures, any news articles of accomplishments and possibly a letter why you searched and are happy a find has been made.
When I met my Birth Mother for the first time I gave her a red rose for each of the thirty-six years of the life she had given me. When I departed her hotel suite that first night I gave her a book and it included several of the above. I gave it to her at the end of that first day so she might share it in private. When I met her the next morning she greeted me with tears, a hug and a thank you. Despite how our relationship ened twelve years later I believe that book is something she treasured for the rest of her life. She passed away in October 2001.
This guide of tips does not guarentee success. It is a tool and not an all inclusive one at that.
I hope you will find it useful and I further hope your journey will in the end meet your goal.
If the search for your immediate birth family sparks an interest for you to learn more of your heritage you may wish to go into genealogical research. I will be completing an article on that subject soon.
